How do you compromise on family home?

[MagersfonteinLugg]

When one of you wants to buy a sprawling Victorian house with 'a face', high ceilings and big overgrown garden, and the other wants to live in a modern innocuous box on a cramped cul de sac/estate with thin walls and no character?

Our house is Edwardian, high ceilings etc, it is difficult to heat and our bill is 2K per annum even though we don't have it on that much. There is always a job need doing. my friend bought a Taylor Wimpey place on a nearby estate, it has no soul, one house is like the next and the next so I wouldn't swap and parking is a nightmare, each property has one alloc space and evry home has at least two cars

I love character houses - and a cramped cul de sac doesn't sound good. But like the others said, you really need to think about the quality your family life living in the house, not just the immediate aeshetic appeal to you of the house itself.

It's stating the obvious, but the location probably determines the quality of your life more than anything. Your journey to work, to school, to shops and every day facilities. The quality of that school and facilities. The people around you that you will mix with. The view both from your house and as you walk locally. The noise or traffic fumes.

Then the garden and the house itself but not just what it looks like. The size of the garden, how private it is, how mature it is, the view. The size and layout of the house.

When we bought our house I was adamant that I wanted a pretty house. Now I think I would consider houses that I more or less ruled out then. Not cramped estates, but large 60s/70s houses on large plots. We got the pretty house and it's worked out fine, mainly because the location couldn't be better and the garden is lovely. But it isn't huge and the layout is odd, so we are still planning on spending more money on it. I suspect we could have got just as good space and location (though possibly not garden) for a lot less money if I had been more flexible on aesthetics.

What does DP think are the downsides of the Victorian - are they about location/space/cost or does he just not like old houses?

I think sometimes you have to give it time and make the compromise to find what's right for both of you and to allow both to take ownership.

We used to live in a large Victorian semi and did so for 20 years. It was an absolute money pit although it was a happy family home. It cost a fortune to make it compatible with modern life. We bought it with both our heads and our hearts but more our heads. When our children were nearly grown we decided it was time to rethink and we were planning to spend large amounts of the year away from home as we semi-retired (DH's plan). DH decided we needed a very modern town house in a gated development and we bought one and refurbed mid 90s to 21st Century living.

I was never so sure but my head told me it wouldn't be a mistake. DH was insistent this was the way. Having lived in it for a year, DH wasn't happy, found it anti-septic, hated the gated nature of the development, hated the pokey modern terraced garden.

We are under offer and hope to exchange on a 50s house in a few weeks which we both fell in love with the minute we drew up outside.

Sometimes it takes a little while to end up where your heart needs to take you but in the meantime some very happy compromises can be made. I always knew he wouldn't like it but there was no point arguing; he had to get there on his own and I know him well enough to know he would.

Ha ha we had this, and indeed compromised on a 1930s semi!

To be fair, it took us a long time to find anywhere. In the meantime (we had sold previous house) we rented the dream Victorian terrace cottage on the dream roman street. I (Victorian lover) hated it. Small, pokey, no hallway, tiny kitchen. I positively led the parade into 1930s semi land after 7 months :)

I'm in a 1970's ugly house and I do every time I walk up the front path. But that said, this is where I want to live and this is what we could afford where we wanted to live.

I think you have to do what pps have said. A list with both lots of non-negotiables, which shouldn't include style of house, more location, garden or not, number of bedrooms, transport links etc. There will probably be remarkably few houses that tick those boxes!

And there is a whole world of housing between Victorian and modern box - there will be somewhere you both like, if you are both open.

I live in a new build and it's warm and comfortable to live in. It's semi detached and we never get any noise from next door..so the walls are not that thin.
We are house hunting at the moment and looking at Victorian properties too (moving for secondary schools) and they all seem small (the ones we can afford anyway), difficult dimensions and a lot are dark and cold with tiny yards rather than gardens and when I come back home to my modern house it always seems lighter, airier and just more comfortable to live in.
I do like the look of period properties though. But new builds are not that bad tbh.

I am moving today from a pretty Victorian to an 'ugly' 1960s estate townhouse. Everything foe location, schools and an extra bedroom. I don't feel excited but I have a gut feeling that it is going to be ok. Ideally I would love 1930s look, but they only have a very small 3rd bedroom, and it simply would not suit out needs. I keep telling myself that this is not a mistake and we can move back to a period house once DC are in a good secondary. At the worst, only 4 years to go...

I think I will also get those pangs when my friends will start comparing my old and new houses, but hopelly it will pay off!

meadow that's reminded me...when we bought our 30s semi, we dismissed out of hand the 70s detacheds down the road as ugly. 10 years later our lives & tastes have changed and now when I drive past I think "oooh lovely clean lines!" or "what a lovely plot" - I've nosed around loads of them on right move and with hindsight can see they'd have been so much better for our family than our current home - not least for having decent sized 3rd (and 4th!) bedroom.

I think I can guess which side you are, OP

FWIW we bought the 'character' house and I love it. But it really does eat money. We've spent tens of thousands on renovations already and have only just scratched the surface. If you're stretched for cash, and/or don't have the bandwidth to project manage contractors, then get the innocuous box.

Up to now all my grown up houses have been old. 200 yr old converted pub - tiny, no storage, but warm as the ceilings were so low. 1900's granite detached - huge, again little storage, ongoing maintenance work and neighbours houses being snapped up and turned into student flats. Victorian terraced, neighbour noise drove me barmy on both sides, little parking, ancient plumbing. 1930's end of terrace (rented) fucking horrendous! The heating bills were mental as the owner, a cross eyed builder, had holes in walls, ceilings, doors. Nasty. And finally a 1970's extended detached, also rented, DP wants to buy it but I have reservations, too many dislikes although the location is ideal. It's cosy but no sun in the garden due to neighbours conservatories, kitchen is in an 80s time warp, all the decor needs ripped out and the boiler replaced.

The clue is in Family Home. Would your DC rather live on the estate with safe cul de sacs to ride bikes around, all their (potential) friends and a playing field nearby - or a lovely original house where they have to be escorted everywhere.

If the location's good, go for the character house, but think about the lifestyle.

The thing is, it all depends on the house. If a Victorian house was large, fully modernised, well insulated etc then I'd go for it. Similarly, I'd only go for a new build if it was very well designed and completely fit for purpose, not a soulless, cramped box.

It was too diffficult for us to find such a house and so we've ended up building our home (hint: buy a mid century house on a large plot, the possibilities are endless). At last, we will live in a house that will both look how we want it to, as well as being suited to our needs, in our preferred location in London. But it's taken a long time to get here.

Location is definitely the thing, far better to compromise on style of house but be in the right location for your family's needs.

That said, we've only ever owned period houses (Victorian, Georgian and Tudor) and neither DH nor I could contemplate buying anything newer than 1930s. Yes, they're moneypits (our 3500 sq ft Victorian detached that was formerly four flats was a pig to heat and decorating took forever) and yes, they can take over your life but for us at least we've learned so much from the extremely gratifying restoration process that we wouldn't have it any other way.

I just think it's not for everyone - different people have very different priorities (and yes, sometimes I wish we'd spent more free time on holidays than searching reclamation yards for treasures) - and some people can learn to adapt to any style of house (and make it lovely and homely) whereas we are period house people who would feel like fish out of water in anything else.......

I'm just glad DH and I agree on this or else he'd definitely be for the chop, lol!

I've lived in Victorian terrace in London, Edwardian detached, and now back to small Victorian detached cottage. I have really tried to get excited about a newish house but just can't. I would go for the victorian all the way - love their layouts, room sizes etc. Have an AGA in the kitchen - that will keep you warm.

Why don't you write down a prioritised list of what you want and will use from a home outside of the actual house tussle (location, how stretched you're prepared to be financially, time you're prepared to spend on DIY projects, sensitivity to noise, sensitivity to cold, time you'll spend in the garden) and then decide. It sounds a bit emotive at the moment :)

wyldstile facelifts to the front of houses can do wonders, have a google.

Depends what works. How is the space in each? Is it brand new? There is a lot to be said for a box fresh house with spanking new kitchen and bathroom. I would live in one.

Personally don't like Victorian that much.. Prefer Edwardian, arts and crafts even better. My dream home is a 30s modernist or 70s house with all original features. I live in a 30s house though. It's quite nice.

I think location first then consider what you get for your money.

Some really interesting replies
When I said Victorian what I actually meant was a house that was at least 40 years old, so that it would at the very least have walls that could handle a nail.
I have spent 12 years living in a new build block house on a cul de sac with a park. I NEVER want to live on a Close, Drive, Croft, Lane, etc.
We went to look at a house today that DH loved. It had the garage, the study, the ensure to master bedroom, the low maintenance matchbox size garden and the utility room. They are his priorities.
I was fine till I realised that not only was the garden overlooked by every angle but so was the lounge dining room kitchen etc. no wonder they spent so much on blinds.... It was like living in a goldfish bowl.
Every house I suggest he dismisses, every house He likes I hate.

I think your marriage is more important than your house, so go for a compromise. See if you can find character in something more modern.

I've done Victorian and now I'm sick of it. Ridiculous layouts with huge amounts of wasted space, constant issues with damp, roofs, planning permission denials, heat loss. Some fixable - at a price!

I vowed my next house will be newer. But even whilst looking round houses, I was STILL drawn to period properties. My artistic eye loves them whilst my practical side doesn't. Anyway, dh loved the newer one, so I said put a lower offer in and we'll see - and we got it! It took me a while to get me head around it, but I'm really excited now.

I am excited to have a garage. I am excited to have off street parking. I am excited to have less maintenance (small garden which I hope I can manage as opposed to current one), and an easier life with a house that 'works' in terms of space and layout. The storage in it is amazing. For the amount of space, the price is great. I will see how it turns out, but yes, it is possible to compromise on something which works for everyone.

Ok, if you've done the other for 12 years, it's time for a change! Go for 70's and building work.