House in dp's name (long)

[Namechanger98765]

A bit of back story: dp and I have been together around 5 years. Very committed but as yet no dcs and not married (partly due to his health problems). He has recently lost his job (due to the health problems) and had a big payout so "we" have decided to buy a house. It would be bought outright with his money (i only have about 20 grand savings) but a lot of my salary would inevitably be spent on decoration, new kitchen etc)

We had a conversation last night for the first time about whose name the house would be in and he says just his. I really don't know what to think about this. On the one hand it is obviously his money and because of his health he is very dependent on this money for his own financial security in the event of a split. On the other hand I will be putting in a lot of my time and money into our home and there would be no way to get that back if we split.

If im honest a lot of the hurt i feel is down to how unromantic it seems. I don't support him financially but in the last few years I feel like I have given him enormous emotional and practical support through his illness. I had a vision that this would be "our" home and now I feel like I'll just be a lodger.

I hope the above made sense. I'd be really grateful if anyone could help give some perspective on this.

Thanks x

I think you have to separate finance and romance here. I agree with drawn up document giving say 80/20 split or whatever is appropriate. No way should you invest your £20K in a house that you have no entitlement to.

I agree, he's trying to have it both ways.

He can afford to buy outright but not pay the bills. In other words, he can't afford to buy outright. He could, for example, afford to buy half the house and then use the other half of his settlement to fund living costs, improvements and a share of bills. You could then buy the other half via a mortgage.

Alternatively, he could buy somewhere else (perhaps somewhere unsuitable for him to live in) where there is a good rental income to be had, and use that as his monthly income - this is what my DH does (albeit partly due to circumstances outside our control rather than through choice, i.e. it's a property we can't sell). He still has his capital but the two of you are then on a more even footing in terms of buying a place together and paying for its upkeep.

So in his mind, this house represents his long term security, where is yours coming from?

Is your dp temporarily unemployed or permanently unemployable? Because I would be happy to help my partner of 5 years through a rough patch by taking on bills if I could. This should not eat into your savings goals though. If it does, then he needs to find a property that he can afford. How much will you save each month by moving in with him?

You would be very naive to pay most of the bills.

If you weren't there he would have to pay The bills himself and if he can't afford to do this as he's putting all his money into the purchase then he is taking advantage of you and you are effectively subsidising his lifestyle to your own detriment. He pays no bills - win for him. You have no security - lose for you. Both ways he is quids in and you are losing.

What KatieKaye said.

My FIL got burned putting his cash into DP's house to extend it. She now has a much bigger property which has doubled in size and price and when they split up he could only afford a small 2 bed flat. He had much more cash coming in throughout their relationship so he paid for cars, expensive holidays etc as well. Meanwhile she has kept ownership of the one thing to increase in value and he has nothing to show for it all.

If it's his house then let him pay for any renovations. Split the bills, protect yourself financially and don't feel bad about it.

I would almost certainly pay for minor decorations and the majority if the bills because I am the only one working.

Err... no.

You are working, and he is not working.

He just got a massive payout that should be used to cover his expenses.

He can't put all his money into a house for himself and then expect you to support him.

Like tribpot says, if he can't afford his bills if he buys this house outright, then he can't afford to buy the house outright.

He needs to see a good independent financial adviser about what he should do with this big lump sum.

But he is not destitute and he has no business expecting you to support him financially while he keeps all his money to himself.

OP may be happy to pay bills - especiallY if the situation is temporary - as she is better off with no rent. It really depends on the figures involved. In London where rent can easily eat up £1000 monthly + half the bills, she could be better off with all bills and no rent. Only she knows the figures and how temporary the situation is.

Why don't you pay him a rent from which he can make his contribution to the household expenses, including holidays and such, and the upkeep of the property. Look on rightmove for similar properties for rent, and agree to pay him half.

Don't pay anything towards the decoration or upkeep of the property (beyond the normal cleaning and gardening that a tenant would do). Obviously, you may want to buy furniture, but be clear on what is yours, I.e. dont buy jointly, and buy things that will be suitable to go in other properties (so don't pay for a built in kitchen, or wardrobes, for example).

He doesn't want to merge your finances, and so you need to ensure that you keep them very seperate, to protect your own interests.

You could continue to save, and invest in another property or other investment, to give you financial security in the future. (e.g. He might die, or you might split up, so you don't want to be totally financially reliant on him.)

You do need to seperate the practical from the romantic. You need to remember that marriage is a practical contract, designed to financially protect the partners, and the children of the marriage. It's also romantic, because the partners show they care enough about each other to afford
this protection to each other.

(Disclaimer - there are other ways to achieve this financial protection. But marriage is the simplest, and hardest to undo.)

Maybe he doesn't want her to pay rent as this would have legal implications, not least of which could involve him paying tax on it?

OP,you need your own solicitor and he needs a solicitor. I know that sounds expensive but it won't be too much given what's at stake. I don't think he wants to see the house as "ours", I think it sounds like he wants you to help him pay for "mine".

CFS is chronic fatigue isn't it? I'm interested to know how that has generated what I assume is an occupational disease related payout from what you say in your OP. Are you sure he's telling you the truth here? Or is it critical illness cover? Either way he needs to stop thinking of it as a lump sum and start thinking of it as all the money he has - he needs to think about living costs as well as capital purchase costs.

I also note what you say about a wedding not being possible because 'family Christmases' cause him so much difficulty AND the fact that the proposed family home is to be in his name with you bearing the running costs and I know exactly what I think about this. Run, don't walk, away OP.

OP I only have this to say and I make no apologies for it:

Don't be daft! What kind of a relationship is this?

God forbids, but what happens if your own health suddenly takes a turn for the worse? Is he going to look after you with his windfall?

I've seen and heard enough here. Take your money and run! There'll be someone out there who'll give you half a house if not the whole house and still let you keep your own money.

If he is incapacitated to the extent that would generate this sort of payout, he's probably been getting a level of physical and emotional support from the OP that has vastly improved his lifestyle, and has vastly limited hers. As well as paying for the food shopping , she's probably also the one who goes to the shops, cooks and cleans up the mess. Every meal, every day.

In her position I think it'd be odd not to wonder what his thinking and intentions are. OP you must protect yourself.

I second the fact he can't afford the house on his own, he needs money to live off. If he can't see this, it's cause he hasn't thought this out long term, he needs to look at how he's going to fund his future care without relying on you.

Otherwise you could be responsible for bills, living costs, car, and his care......not a situation which you both should take lightly. You need to look at getting a smaller house and he contributed the same in living costs as you.

He can't afford the house if he needs someone's income to pay the majority of the bills.

I would continue living separately.

I'm sorry - I don't think I have explained myself very well.

We have done a lot of thinking about finances/budgeting spreadsheets etc and he has sooken to a financial advisor. He will not be putting all if his money into the house, but will have a substantial chunk left over which will mainly be invested and also spent on some of our day to day living. It makes complete FINANCIAL sense for him to do this so he can get good long term returns while my salary is spent on the more day to day things. What I am only just realising however is that it does put me in a vulnerable position and I am grateful to you lot for pointing it out. I honestly believe that his intentions are entirely good. He wants to maximise both of our (and our potential family's) financial security in the long term. That said, you are right that I need to protect myself and make sure I am not pouring my cash away leaving myself high and dry in the horrible event that we split.

Are you thinking of having a family with him?

Yes - eventually!

And if course a financial advisor would suggest he invests his money while you spend yours. You'd get different advice if they were advising you.

It makes complete FINANCIAL sense for him to do this so he can get good long term returns while my salary is spent on the more day to day things.

It certainly makes financial sense for him to be the one getting all theong term returns while your salary is spent "day to day".

It doesn't say much for him that he's in favour of merged finances when it comes to your salary, but not when in comes to his payout.

There is no reason why your salary can't be put away for long term returns while he covers all your living expenses from his payout.

Or he could put some of the long-term investments in your name only.

It's weird how so many men have a knack for getting all the valuable assets in their name while women spend theirs on "day to day" stuff and then end up with nothing.

This is the kind of arrangement
You make when your married and have children together, at least if you were married you would be protected. As it is you would enc up
With nothing if you split up.

I hope you can acess individual financial advice just so you protect your substantial savings and your income too.

It makes complete FINANCIAL sense for him to do this so he can get good long term returns while my salary is spent on the more day to day things.

It would make complete financial sense if you were both the intended beneficiaries of the plan. But you aren't. His financial advisor quite correctly gave him financial advice (and not relationship advice) as a single person, not part of a couple. Because being an unmarried couple is the same as not being a couple when it comes to matters such as these. I'm mystified as to why you think this plan represents the best bet for your long term financial security when in reality it offers the worst.

So now you need to think like a single person too - not because anyone thinks you should become one, but because for financial and legal purposes you are one. It would be very foolish to be supporting someone else in a house they own, whilst not at least building up your own long term financial security elsewhere.

Given his desire to protect this asset, you should talk to him about the implications of marriage and whether he would intend to use a pre-nup to ensure you had no claim on the house - or at least minimise your claim on the current capital, in the event of divorce. It's understandable that he is being cautious with this money given his earning potential is compromised. But you need to be cautious with your money too.

As Bathtime says you really need to separate financial over romance.

Live in the real world people do get divorced, people do split up. Having been through a divorce myself and being shafted by my ex (another story) you need to look after yourself and your partner need to look after himself.

You keeo your money to invest however you like. Let him buy a house in his name and you pay him rent as a lodger. The money you pay him he can them use for bills etc and any improvements he would like to make to the property. If and when you commit, get a pre nup that says you are entitled to a share in any rise in the value of the property.

I have a pre nup with 2nd husband, even though I brought less to the relationship than my husband (he owned 4 houses when we met, I only had 1). He moved in with me into my house and paid me rent as a lodger. We then brought a property together each putting in the same amount, however I kept my old house and rented it out. When we married a pre nup was drawn up ring fencing what each of us brought into the marriage. Everything acquired since the marriage is split 50/50. Not romantic, but realistic.