Which would you choose?

[minkersmum]

House A- Old cottage in rural/semi-isolated area of natural beauty. On edge of forest. Lovely cottage, huge garden. Tiny rural schools with good reputation. Woodburner central heating. No friends or family nearby. 3 buses a day and none on a Sunday! Nearest swimming pool, supermarket etc 25 miles away. Low crime rate so low insurance etc

House B- Average looking bungalow with average garden in good neighbourhood (suburbia!). Schools with good reputation. Pool, supermarket etc within a few miles. Good public transport. Friends and family nearby. Closer to a major city so more crime etc

We are a married couple with dc age 5, 7 and 10. What would you pick. A or B?

Do you feel like this all the time OP or is it worse at this time of year? Just asking cause I often find Jan/Feb hard going esp since dcs are all at school. This year I've been mega busy and it's been loads better. The summer is pretty idyllic though, eg in last year's hot spell the dcs were swimming in the river every night.

I would try and improve things were you are first. I suspect I would always dislike Jan and Feb tbh. One thing I learned from making a big move is that you as a person don't change as a result. It can be hard to separate out what's the location and what's everything else I think. I look back at the big move we made and do wonder if we should have considered less drastic changes - if that makes sense?

shoe I do think that winter in general is when I am most likely to feel like I want to move. Despite coping with the constant stove stoking whilst the dc were babies/toddlers I still find it a pita. My dh spends so much time chopping wood and sometimes it feels like all I do is stoke the fire! I love the stove, I love a fire but the novelty soon wears thin when it is a constant necessity.

In the summer we actually often plan to be away for most of the holidays (by house swapping) because I find it even harder here during summer hols. No one to meet up with and when dh is at work I find it hard to find something to entertain the dc. It is basically ALL forest and water here so whilst you can have some great adventures it can also be very lonely even for the dc. Fortunately they have each other. Somedays they will play nicely and other days they want to kill each other!!

Actually being remote, being miles from shops etc dosn't stress me half as much as the lack of people. When I think about my lovely house and the beautiful area we live I love it, when I think what to do with the dc on days off school I struggle. We do go places (mostly around an hour and a half away- Beach, wildlife park, castles, ) but it is a long drive and again having company would be so much more enjoyable for me and for the dc.

Maybe I should start a find me a house thread.....

A for me. I love living the rural life. Sure it's inconvenient driving DCs everywhere but the gorgeous walks, lovely garden & the utter peace make up for it.

could you get a job at the local school? sounds more to be about a life coaching issue than a house issue... where do you see yourself in five years time when the dc are that much older and more independent? are you happy walking dogs and seeing no one? can you book yourself some sessiosn witha life coach? would moving make you happier?

but if you have the choice right now then i would go for the friends and family and everything close by.

We have the choice based on dh's job. He works closer to house B. He travels and stays away a couple of nights a week.

It is more about having friends around to do things with.

I suppose another option would be to invite friends to stay more often. House A has been quite small until recently but with a new extension we can have people to stay more comfortably. It is a nice area to holiday in and maybe my friends would enjoy a free holiday!

See I live semi rurally close to a small town and its very social with facilities only 10 mins away. Absolutely everything I could need.

Is there a compromise between house A and B? I would hate to live in suburbia.

tartan give me an example of semi rural. Everything I show my dh that has more than half a dozen houses he calls it suburbia! I would prefer enough folk nearby so the dc have other kids to play with.

Suburbs all the way. I live on edge of a small town & we know a fair few people who live in isolated cottages. My idea of Hell. I'd start climbing the walls after about 3 hours. Surrounded by countryside most of which is monotonous & off limits. If you'd love it, you wouldn't even hesitate, that's how you know it's not for you.

Ah, seen update; but what do your kids think? What would they like? Mine only like what they know, so would fiercely resist change.

Ah if you don't like it in summer as well as winter then that's trickier.

What about your dcs' school friends? Is meeting up with them in the holidays an option?

Dc don't want to move. Despite their being so young they would not be impressed but only because they don't know any other life. When we moved here my oldest two were 3 and 1. The youngest was born here.
Interestingly my ds talks about his 'favourite holiday' being the cottage we stayed in that had children next door that called for them most days.

School friends are few. It's a lovely little school but there are only 28 kids in total. Ds has two friends only one of them is in his year the other is older and will move on to secondary after summer.
Dd has no friends her age. There is only her in her year. My other dd is one of 3 in her year.

Playdates do happen but its the odd day after school. Weekends you rarely see anyone other than at activities like Rugby etc.

shoe the only good thing about summer is that this area is very popular with holiday makers so we can easily be elsewhere at no expense. This is a big positive for us as money is tight but this affords us lovely holidays!

Move to house B. You are clearly missing having people nearby, and once you have moved I think your dc will also enjoy having friends within walking distance.

We live in a small village 20 minutes drive from a small city. Our village has a shop, butcher, school, pubs, cafe, GP, etc. Our dc have lots of friends in the village and in the next couple of villages, and there are buses every hour into the city. The village primary is lovely, a proper "village" school, but it does have 30 children per year so there are lots of options for friendship groups.

I like being in a rural area but certainly wouldn't want to be any more rural than we are. And I like the fact that we can drive to cinema, theatre etc within 20 minutes. If we had to move from here and the choice was between very rural isolated house or suburban house I would choose suburban every time.

B for now. A when the kids leave home and you retire!

Is there anything you could do in your community like volunteering? Befriending schemes for elderly isolated people? Anything through the school?
Just a slightly different approach might make you feel more connected with the people in the area

Hello, sorry for not replying individually to people who have suggested volunteering etc.

To answer this, at school they don't have parent helpers. It has been like this for as long as people can remember despite the other rural schools nearby having parents in often. We have discussed this at pta meetings and they always talk of starting something but similar to the situation with 'coffee' it is never a regular relaxed thing. It would be very formal 'could you please come and help the children with their sewing project three weeks on Monday for one hour 10am-11am'

I know all the teachers (all 3 of them!!) and whilst I am happy to do this it won't change how i feel about the place.

Sorry if this seems like drip feeding too but it is the relaxed familiarity with friends and family I miss most. House B (where i lived before) at nursery drop off/pick up there were at least 3 or 4 mums I knew well enough, just from meeting there, that I could say 'fancy a walk to the park, fancy a coffee at mine, want to come to mine for lunch etc'. Even after 6 years here this just doesnt happen. It definitely is worse now the dc are all at school. When they were little it was easier becuase we got out to toddler group and had coffee there with other mums. These Mums have all either moved away, have gone back to work or are the 'complex' mums (lots of people with mental health problems here due to the area being isolated, either they come to get away from it all or perhaps their mental health goes down hill due to the isolation/ I don't know. Whatever the reason the incidence of mh problems in the area is high.)

I do volunteer at an animal rescue place walking dogs occasionally but it is definitely more enjoyable when my friend can manage too. Also it is a 50 mile round trip again due to where we live.

I don't know. I think i am looking for something that perhaps doesnt really exist here. It is something hard to articulate. The warmth, the openess of ordinary working class folk perhaps. Folk that can see the funny side of life, can laugh at the trials of parenthood rather than pretend all is rosey. I need real people around me. If I could describe what it feels like to live here i would say it is like going to Church. Everyone is very polite and proper. One woman hates another woman because her child is bullying her child to the point she doesnt want to go to school yet they still politely discuss the best victoria sponge recipe at the school gates. In contrast to at house B where everything is out in the open even if that means a few cross words.

I don't know, perhaps they are more civilised here. Is that what they'd call it. It just feels false. Pretentious.

And on the other end of the spectrum if someone here is having a hard time no one wants to get involved. Everyone minds their own business. To the extreme that when my friend (who has since moved away) lost her dh and had a very young baby at the time, no one came to the house to see that she was ok, apart from the postman, She said he was her lifeline. How fucking tragic is that.

I know, i know, RUN!!! Run like the wind!!! I would tell anyone else MOVE!! But on the surface it is all so beautiful and idyllic it is hard to leave. Even for my friend, even now she tells me leaving here was hard. The area is beautiful and she misses it.

Jesus... is it too early for wine? I have a feeling I/You may need it!!!

life's too short to live in isolation like that. You don't sound happy at all. Your children will not find it so idyllic when teenagers and will, in all likelihood, thank you for moving (when older to express such things!)

Beautiful surroundings feed some people's souls but it doesn't sound like you're one of them (neither am I). Its a difficult decision but I think you should be house hunting not soul searching.

I'd definitely move as soon as you can, you need to recognise that you're unhappy there despite the natural beauty of the area. I live in a town that is mostly pretty ugly near some dodgy areas but I love it, people are real here and we have great friends. Go where your community is, I don't believe that can ever be the wrong decision. It sounds like your children would also really benefit from more friends and moving before your eldest applies to secondary would be good timing. B, b, b!

Wow Minkersmum this is so timely for me. We could be in the same teeny village. I realised how bad it was today-after 4 months here- I was out this am walking the babies, passed a woman in the road who had some the same age - and she lives 2 doors down and knew who I was and who i was blooming renting from and had never knocked or anything! It has got me thinking - i've been ignoring it and trying to just get on- We go to the preschool, the playground, the playgroups- where I was from anyone new would be welcomed in. Here- well, it's just not like that. I felt awful today realising I have to organise my little girls birthday and thought we've only been invited to one here. Seeing her talking so much to the RSPCA man who came round and calling him her friend- because she doesn't have anyone else to have play dates with. Remembered that on the day the nursery was closed the teacher hasn't told us in advance and then said - oh - all the others have gone to the zoo.
Hmmm. We are just reaching the end of the process of buying equivalent of your house a. Hmmmm I know I have lived in isolated places in my time, but if a community is this unwelcoming, then I am not sure I want to commit any more time. How much more time to give it? How much more effort from oneself to get involved? When to cut losses and go for b? I can see your dilemma, OP! If I'd done 6 yrs already, def cut losses and try B. you can always move back to A x good luck

I think the truth is that you've done A, it suited primary school children and was a sufficient change for your first move. Now the time has come, both for you and your children (and your dh who won't have to stay away anymore) for you to make the move closer to town.