Think we've made a big mistake

[Itscoldouthere]

So we did it moved out of London just after Christmas.

We've bought a wreck to do up an hour from London.

I think we've made a big mistake, I feel overwhelmed and lonely, I miss my old life.

I know I need to 'get a grip' as we have to make this work, but I feel really fragile and pathetic.

I know my friends thought we were mad to do it in the first place but we went ahead regardless.

I feel like we've lost so much in this move and wish we hadn't done it

If you have made a mistake, it doesn't have to be permanent. Give yourself a target of how long you need to stay, and reassess then.
But if you're lonely, you need to work on a way to meet people. Have you looked into clubs? Mumsnet local?
More helpful people along soon, I hope.
Are you here? I live about an hour from London and it's boring. No pubs within a mile and shops shut in Sundays.

Oh no. Think of some positives? Fresh air... Bigger garden... Out of the rat race? Poor you.

Can you find a bit of your old life there? First thing I will so when we move is find an antiques shop and a decent indie coffee shop. Then the world will be right I hope.

Good luck

Maybe take a bit of time to just accept how you feel, big changes shock us even ifhey end up being positive. Think how many people wobble after marriage or starting a family or setting up a business.

You may be right, this could be an error, or you may be wrong. Oly time will tell.

Could you say to yourself 'for six months I am going to focus on looking after myself and making the best of each day' and reassess then?

You are nrealistic to think you will be 'happy' from day one in a new place, but that doesn't mean you have to be unhappy. It is all so new. Be kind to yourself - of course you feel fragile, you have just leapt out of your comfort zone! If this ends up being your forever home or a stepping stone or you return, don't be ashamed, think how brave and amazing you are to try something new.

I think your feelings are very understandable. Try to respect them, be kind to yourself and don't panic.

Look at it this way. The worst that can happen is you realise you don't like it and move back to London. Ok it will have cost you several thousands but I still think its worth it to have at least tried. If you had stayed in London, you would have always thought 'what if'. It's not the end of the world.

I too are moving to a new area, tripling my journey to London ( it currently takes me 25mins door to door). I do worry that it's near DH family so he already has a support network in place but I will need to build a new one. while I get on with them on the odd weekend visit, I worry it might be strained being so near them. But then Im also excited about the move, outstanding school down the road, trendy cafes to make friends, I have a lovely garden( grew in flats in east London) and all that fresh air. It will be worth it!

You knew when you moved to a new location, you would have a different life. Try picturing yourself in the house all done up and leading the life you idealised. Do you see yourself happy? If it is just the soul-destroying Dyi that is the problem, and you think if the house was done all up you'd feel differently.... Take a look at finances and see what you can do quicker and all at once. Do one or two rooms up completely (instead of sensibly doing a particular task throughout the house all at once) so that you have a refuge from the building / decorating works. Makes a huge difference, psychologically.

Thank you all for your kind comments.

I know I'm being pathetic, but I didn't think I would feel like this.

I'd become very tired of London after living there for 26 years, but I had obviously taken much of it for granted.

I thought I was bored with being surrounded by PLUs the yummy mummy set, I thought I'd become lazy and shallow.

That's why we decided to break away do something different, I hadn't realised I was just a follower really.

Part of me is freaked as I know we could not go back, we couldn't buy our house again and I think financially we are going to be worse off in the long run.

Yes when done the house is going to be lovely, but it seems such a long way off.

I know I need to take it day by day it's just been a bit of a shock to admit that I'm feeling depressed, I'm the stoic type you see, I don't like to open up to my real feelings but so far this process has made me feel rather useless.

I'm sure part of it is timing, the excitement and drama of the move is well over and the reality is now just everyday life, the same as it is for everyone.

But it feels a bit like a hard lesson so far, be careful what you wish for as change doesn't come easy.

OP - I relate. 12 years ago we left Edinburgh and bought an attractive but wrecked cottage 45 mins away by car.
I was so excited by the move, but once we were settled in I became very 'homesick'. I felt lonely and isolated and felt we had made a dreadful mistake.
We sold up a year and a half later and moved back to Edinburgh.

Here's the thing though....after a further six years in Edinburgh, we decided to move out again, as we had more children by then, and couldn't afford the sort of property we wanted in the city.

We have now been living in a far more rural location for four years and I wouldn't change it for the world. I love it here...have made loads of friends, and the kids are so well catered for. It's brilliant.

The only thing that is different this time is my attitude.

think of a lovely summer in the country. if we ever actually get moved to our wreck I'll be telling myself the summer will be wonderful.

OP - I also moved from London to countryside a year ago. We moved out to near where DP grew up so he has family / friends locally but I had never even been here until we moved here, and we are now even further from my family who are up north. When we moved out I didn't have a single friend here and didn't even know the way to the shop / station / gym without using sat nav!

However, I have made a massive effort. I joined the gym, started horse riding again (having not ridden since my teenage years), invited a woman my age I met randomly round out for coffee, started cycling to take advantage of the gorgeous countryside on our doorstep, I have even got really into gardening which I never thought would happen!! Now my days are full and I am busy and never lonely.

There are negatives of course, like not seeing my friends in London as much, but my true friends have made the effort to come and stay and love coming to stay in the countryside. Some friends have been reluctant to leave London to come and visit, forcing me to re- evaluate those friendships which has made me feel sad at times. I also go into London once every three weeks on a Saturday to meet friends (any more is too hard, as I commute on weekdays and don't want to spend my whole life on trains!).

I also keep telling myself it is only a matter of time before more of my friends leave London as we enter our 30's and people start families.

My advice would be to be positive, make a real effort and do everything in your power to meet people, enjoy life, get involved. If you're still hating it after a year then move back to London and at least you'll know you gave it 100%.

Good luck.

Ps whereabouts are you? You might be near me as we are 1 hour from London

Also keep reminding yourself of why you left London - it may be that you are looking back with rose-tinted glasses on. Tomorrow when I am sitting in my beautiful garden In the peace and quiet (hopefully we are getting sunshine tomorrow) I definitely won't be regretting leaving London one bit!

Okay, you've posted in the right place. We can help you both with moral support and with practical advice.

When you say you've got a wreck, what do you mean? What are your current tasks?

Do you have at least one room that is okay that you can retreat to?

If it comes to it, you can always simply treat it as a project, try and bash through the key jobs, sell it and return to London, having ticked off 'do up a wreck in the country' from your 'Life Experiences' list.

Also how old are you? I was one of the first of my friendship group to leave London, however my friends are all getting to that getting married / having kids age and over the last year a lot of them have started to talk about moving out of London too, to get bigger houses, more space to raise kids etc. so although for the time being my friends are mainly London based I think that will change over the next few years so London won't feel like the centre of the universe anymore

I sympathise OP. we moved to the country. I felt isolated and alone. Sank into a bit of a depression. I missed my friends and the pace of my old life. We sold up and moved back to London and I'm so happy. On days that I get bogged down with the traffic and the noise I just remember the silence...sorry. That's probably what you don't need to hear. But I guess ask yourself whether it is a passing thing or whether you have actually made a mistake. If so, and it's just money to fix it ('just' money) - do it. Life is too short!!!

My friend described this as the "three to six month itch". All the moving excitement is over, some old "friends" often stop bothering to call (the ones who really count will keep in touch, though less frequently) and there are no "proper" close friendships yet as it's just too new. It's incredibly isolating. Give yourself a time limit and then really assess, say another three months in, and be dead honest with your DP about how this is. It may well be that things will improve...and if not at least you know you have tried. Second the idea of having a "retreat room" that you do up first so at least one room is lovely.

More interesting comments all very good at getting me through this difficult phase.

I have teenage DC's so some of the reason for feeling isolated is I've already done the whole primary school, PTA bonding thing and I was very much part of a community.

It's not something that is easily replicated at secondary school, but part of the move was for the DCs and allowing them to go to a really special school, but we live half an hour away and the children come from a wide distance to go there, so I don't think I will make lots of friends from school (but hopefully a few).

Some of the reason for the move was thinking I could not imagine being in London for another 5 years whilst the DCs were at school.

I have lovely friends in London and still see then quite often perhaps that's why I feel the loss.

Today felt much better as the sun was shining and we went to visit a lovely small town and gallery, not close to me but it was a lovely drive through country lane without any traffic, something I am really enjoying.

Re the house, well the whole thing needs decoration, all windows need refurbishment, new bathrooms, kitchen and we are extending into the barn so its quite major and will probably take up to year or so to do.

DP was meant to be doing at least 50% of work from home but at the moment he is 100% in London so that has made things more difficult as some days I do not speak to anyone (except the dog!).

I need to get out there and find some things I enjoy doing outside of the home and try and make some new contacts.

Thanks again it's really helping.

OK, I think part of the problem (and I'm judging entirely from myself and DH's experience here) may be that you've got somewhat unrealistic expectations of how long it actually takes to do up a dilapidated house.

I remember spending our first wedding anniversary in a pub, making a list of all the work that needed doing, and DH looking at me and saying 'have we made a terrible mistake?'

We also cheerily thought that maybe it would take a year (okay, actually I think we were so stupid we thought it would take six months) for two people who already work more than full time to project manage a house restoration.

We are now 4 years on. We have got loads of things wrong, learnt a lot, and developed new skills. We have also climbed on scaffolding at night in a storm to fix tarpaulins over a hole in a wall. We have nearly finished fixing all the structural problems that we are aware of, repaired all the exterior woodwork, have done bathrooms (all except a little bit of painting I need to finish), have done the kitchen, and have decorated three rooms, one of which then was ripped apart again for the structural repairs, and 2 of which were damaged in the structural repairs. So that's 4 years, and the only finished rooms are 2 bathrooms and 1 kitchen.

I recommend making a list of everything that needs doing, no matter how small, and then ticking it off as you get through it. Keep all your lists, as there is nothing more cheering in 4 years time than looking at an old list and thinking 'yes, we got all of those done'.

In terms of 'needs decoration' - could you just zip round and re-paint some of the rooms when the kids are at school? I did that temporarily with a couple of the worst rooms, and found it does give it a lift.

GrendelsMum - god that makes me feel even worse thinking it might take that long.

At the moment I would just like to cut and run but it would be too much of a financial loss as we would probably have to sell at auction as I don't know if many people would be able to get a mortgage on the house.

So realistically we are stuck.

I just wish I could stop feeling sick and sad all the time, it's getting me worried as I'm now starting to dread the DCs going back to school as I will be all alone again.

It's the feeling of being trapped that's getting to me. I didn't know where you live can make you feel like this as its nervier happened to me before, a classic case of you live and learn.

Dancingroundthemaypole- how did you manage to go back did you have to buy in a different area or at a different price by the time you went back?

Whereabouts is the house?
You're giving me second thoughts as we're keenly looking into moving from central London partly to give our DC fresher air and space. (Could we buy your house?!)
Had you lived / grown up in the country?

And don't feel down about selling without trying as we are looking to buy and the market looks strong? Eg a house (most beautiful house I've seen on sale but needing tons work) we saw last week was selling at a third over the (already high) asking price. That was in Gloucestershire.

I would give it more time, as you've said try to invest time in doing things in the area and reassess but I really hope you'll settle. So much of feeling settled to me is in having a community and that, for us anyway, has taken time to establish in London

Not being funny, but if you come to think you are heading towards proper depression, make sure you see a GP sooner rather than later.

Was thinking the same, breeze.

It actually turned out ok. We did the house up and made a profit and got a larger house in a nicer area as a result in London. We had to stay and renovate with the idea of selling. Took a little over a year, but was absolutely the right idea.

And looking on the bright side, we know london is for us. Had we never left, I'd always wonder. I feel content, settled and like I'm finally in the right place. I don't have that feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. Deep down, I knew it wasn't for me even though I tried to convince myself otherwise. I would second advice re talking to dr re depression. I wish I had done that earlier.

My parents did this several years ago. They moved from East London to Essex with 2 of my sisters and my brother. They said it took them a good year/18 months to feel settled there and like it was home. Now (6 years on) they can't imagine being back in London and can't wait to get back to their home when they come here.

It's a huge change and can take a while to get used to. You've been in the new place around 6 months. Could you give yourself a certain amount of time before considering a move back. I'm trying to get a move to be with my family, but I do feel a little anxious about moving out of London because it's all I've ever known.

Good luck.

There is a real payoff to forcing yourself to go out and chat to someone every day. Go and meet your neighbours, join things in the village even if they are things you would never have thought of previously. Regularly use the same shops and supermarkets, you'll find people recognise you and ask after you.

In short you need to stop being 'a Londoner' if you are going to settle properly. I found I got v.friendly with the timber merchants when we did up our house, they send me Christmas cards!

But, I do agree with Breeze it does sound like you need to go and chat with your gp. It really isn't healthy to rely on your dh for all conversation. You sound lovely (if really down) and I am sure you will soon find friends.