Will we ever agree on our final house?

[mummyneedschocolate]

My DH & I are in rented accommodation, having sold our house so, in theory should be well set to buy our final house. But I'm feeling increasingly depressed by our searching as it has become very clear to me that our priorities are completely different. I'm very keen on the location - not too far from school, ammenities, bus routes etc etc. He'd be willing to forget all of that to get a much bigger house & garden, miles from anywhere. We have 3 DC & he has said that, beyond them having a bedroom each, he does not think their needs should be taken into consideration - I completely disagree. I don't know where we go from here. We have been looking for the past 6 months & there has been nothing suitable...

Gosh, you are really at extremes. How old are your children?

If you are able to talk about it amicably, I think you should talk as much as possible and both write down absolutely everything you want from a house. Write down your ideal house features and your minimum requirements. Go and see as many houses as possible, even unsuitable ones, to get ideas. Keep talking and one or both of you may shift your positions.

We house-hunted for over a year to find the place we have now, and we both love it. Yet we both compromised - I wanted an extra room, DP would have a loved a garage, and he also ruled out this location - until he saw the house. Sometimes you just have to see the right house and love it, and the list of requirements suddenly becomes more flexible.

Remember that you can move again, so you could buy a house that's handy for school and amenities now, and think about something more remote when they've left home.

Also, if you get the right kind of house and garden, you can extend and that can be a much cheaper way of getting more space.

Hmm. Being cynical, it sounds to me like he is focusing on the dream of living in a "status" house (ie bigger) and of living in a rural idyll, whereas you are focusing on the reality of day to day life.

Have you talked to him about what the realities of everyday life would be like if you go with his option? Eg need to drive to get a pint of milk... few friends or potential babysitters nearby... need to drive the kids everywhere ... dcs getting bored once they are older... etc?

Remind him also that the DCs needs are not just for the DCs, they are for you too... unhappy DCs usually equals unhappy parents...

Of course, I may be being unfair to him, maybe he has lots of really good reasons for wanting to live somewhere bigger & more rural. Has he given you his reasons?

Totally agree with minipie in that I think your priorities are much more sensible!

Could you rent for 6 months in his dream house to show him the reality of it?

Thanks for the advice. My DC are 9, 6 & 2. I supppose I'm just getting very fed up with how long its taking as finding a house in the right location seems so difficult. I have been through the usual arguements about convenience etc along with descriptions of the realities of what my daily commute to school would be like so I think I've given him a realistic picture of how I see our life, which has failed to convince him, & I've given up. He looks very far off & tells me they'll all have left home not far from now but, even when I'm in my 60s, I still don't want to live in the middle of nowhere. I think he is definately motivated by having a 'show house' & wants to impress his friends/colleagues. The house he grew up in was quite like that. We're trying to see as many houses as possible, but even that's tough when you've 3 kids in tow/to arrange babysitting of!

When they are older and going out on their own more you will definitely find the accessible house easier. I was helping my parents find a house nearer to us last year. On the one day I had a hospital appointment and couldn't go with them my step dad convinced my mum to venture a bit further out to get a bigger more showy house. It is near nothing at all and even though they are getting on a bit they have hated it and found it very isolating and have put it on teh market last month!

I feel for you - for the last ten years we lived in a beautiful 'showy' type house in the middle of nowhere, it meant driving to everything - now we have moved to the edge of a small town to a very nice but more 'average' type house - my life is so much better but DH stares wistfully out into the distance where you can just about see the countryside .

It's tough - not sure if this helps much - I humour him along by saying when (if) we retire we can move again ..........

Can you rent even week or two in rural holiday let. Get him to do the daily school run and then see what he has got to say!?!