Relocating - adjusting, making friends, putting down roots etc

[mahonga]

We are about to put our house on the market and plan to relocate from N Yorkshire to Kent as DH has landed his dream job in London. We will be moving to a rural village and have one DS (4) who should get a place at the local primary school (undersubscribed). We will have family about 35 mins away, but have no friends there.

Having spent the weekend viewing houses and feeling positive about the move, we're now back home and are (predictably!) getting cold feet, not least because we have literally rebuilt our current house brick by brick, and designed it to be our forever home (never expecting to move), so have so much invested in it emotionally and financially....

But aside from that, my current wibble is about getting settled and making friends and I was wondering if anyone here had done similar and had any experience/advice to share?

How do you go about making friends and putting down roots in a new area? I work from home, so won't see anyone socially through that. I expect I can make a number of 'superficial' friends (smile and wave and stop for a chat when I see them in the village) though the school gate/PTA/playdates but I worry it will be impossible to make 'barbecue' friends (i.e. families we would meet up with socially at weekends) and this is quite important to us as our DS will be our only child.

Would love to hear how other people have found relocating from a social and 'fitting in' point of view.

I so know what you mean about superficial friends v barbeque friends! We made a similar move to you just over a year ago. I am very pleased to say that we have already had at least four barbeques with friends over, and all very natural and casual.[bugrin]

I don't know what advice to give though. We have moved a couple of times previoiusly for DH's job, and previously we have felt like we were banging our heads against a wall, with big signs over our heads reading 'Desperate to make friends.'[buconfused]

Something just clicked with our current move, though it has been painful getting to where we are now. We initially moved into rented and were house hunting for 8 months, so I didn't feel I could really commit to a local community.

When we bought this house it clicked straight away. Several people from the village came over in the first week with welcome cards and gifts. We found that the neighbours worked at the same place as us and had children in the same nursery, and others in the village have similar professions.

We organised a house warming / Christmas party on a Sunday afternoon and invited everyone from the village who we had met so far, e.g. the people from the village shop, the lady from the church newsletter, etc! Perhaps people came out of curiosity? Who knows? But combined with a few work friends, people we knew from the area before we moved, and the odd random Mumsnetter [buwink] it was a lovely party and we now feel a real part of the village.

For example, when me and DH were down with a horrible flu, a couple with teenage children heard about it and rang up offering to look after the kids one Saturday so we could have a rest and spend a quiet day in bed with the papers!

You could say it's luck? A good village helps. We go to the monthly breakfast in the village hall, and the odd kids' event at the church. My gut feeling is that we have finally found the house and the location we want our kids to grow up in, and it shows in how happy and settled we are, which changes the way people respond to us. That's just a theory though! I look foward to seeing what others say, and wish you all the best.

We have recently made a similar kind of move - moved from a house that we had spent a lot of time & money getting how we liked as thought we'd never move, and an area where we had lots of friends with young children who we hd known for 12+ yrs (been to each others weddings, christenings etc). We are now in a small village with close friends about 20mins away. We moved about 2 mths ago, and I have to say that it is pretty hard making new friends. I have met a few lovely people who have gone out of their way to make me feel welcome, through church and school (DS1 is in reception), so I'm hoping these will turn into proper friendships. I have been quite homesick at times, as I am not a particularly outgoing person, so find it difficult to strike up conversations with complete strangers. But it is definitely getting better. Our street is having a party for the Queen's jubilee, so that will help us get to know our neighbours. I have also been to invited to join a book club in the village, so I'm hoping that will also help me make friends.

I like the idea of a housewarming/open house, as we haven't really seen much of our neighbours since moving in, so it would be a way of inviting them all over with no pressure.

Good luck with your move. It will be hard, but if it will potentially improve the quality of your life (eg better schools, bigger house, more money etc) then it should be worth it.

Thanks everyone! Joining/setting up a book club is a great idea. And a housewarming/open house party. I guess the key is to look friendly and approachable, at all times, and make the most of any openings that present (I'm pretty lazy about doing that where I am now).

We did similar a couple of years ago.

I remember having an awful "middle of the night" moment while we were embroiled in moving that if anything happened I would know no one who I could ring up in the event of an emergency involving DH or the kids. Now I have about 5 or 6 people that I would feel comfortbale about ringing.

I had the luxury of having 6 months off (had no job when we moved) to get to know the area. I did everything I could to get to know people - helped out at school, joined a singing group (hadn't sung for years), joined the PTA, offered people lifts to school etc. Having primary age kids helps as we have made quite a few friends through their activities e.g. football, gym. We don't do church but can see that would be a good way of meeting people.

When we finally bought a house (spent time renting) we found our neighbours very friendly and we invitied them all to a housewarming. We have done several things with them since e.g. royal wedding street party.

We have made quite a few friends although not the same as in our last house - this is mainly because in our last house our DCs were babies and I made loads of friends during 3 years of being a SAHM. I have managed to barge my way into a book group and we have done about as many Sunday lunches etc with people as we did in our old house.

Going back to work has been good and bad - I haven't really consolidated friendships to the "pop in for coffee level" but I have made some good friends through work.

My advice is just to take every chance you get to be socialble and don't write off things you don't normally do as being unlikely to be a good source of friends. If you can slow down on your work for a bit around the time of the move that will help. If you have a particular interest try joining a group that does it. You do have to make an effort but generally I think everyone understands the position of being a new comer and is happy to be friendly.

How about having a baby - mother and baby groups always good for bonding. (Or you could get a puppy instead ...)

Oh my apologies OP - have just read your comment re DS being only child. My sincerest apologies if my last post was insensitive.

I did this 14 months ago - it has been okay. I think the thing is to throw yourself into things - people keep saying to me "oh I forget you weren't here last year" as it must seem like I have been here for ages now! Have DC helps - get involved in things - join committees and the like.

I agree about not writing off people and things - you need to keep an open mind and not be too picky initially

I also had a mini project to scrub up and look groomed - silly I know but it made me more confident and hopefully someone that others would want to chat to!!

I guess being realistic is the key. I have lots of new acquaintances and people I could chat to in the street and have over for a coffee with their kids, but no true friends yet.

Advertise on MN local and set up a meetup?

I moved two years ago. We didn't move far, so I still have my old friends nearby but I was keen to settle here and make friends ... And I have ,

The key thing I found is that you have got to make the first move. People rarely stop and said hello to me first, but I found them really responsive when I said hi first!

I got involved in the school's PTA and that really helped as it helped me know mums in the playground and feel more confident (even if they mostly weren't the people I became friends with).

I also made a real effort to smile and talk to everyone in the playground. I tried to remember names and details (that's really hard for me!) and before you know it, I had found a group of mums I regularly spend time with - some now, I would call real friends and we socialise just as adults.

The Other things I found helped was to offer to share lifts for parties and the like (being remote, I found people rely on each other an awful lot more, so offering to help gets you talking to people).

From the first week, DD invited the local girls over for playdates. When we didn't know who they were, we put little cards through the doors (mums weren't at the school gates). But that soon got me talking to them.

And finally, after a while when I felt I knew enough people, I kicked DH out for the night and had a mum's night. Whereby I just invited the mums over for a glass of wine.

Two years on, I feel more settled here than I did in my last house (in a large town) of 8 years. Love the village (it's very friendly) and I'll never leave here.

Good luck, hope you find your village as equally as welcoming.

If it's a village, and you're not totally allergic to organised religion, you COULD check out the local church? Of course it might not be to your taste, but village churches usually have to be all things to all people and are therefore more accommodating theologically and socially than urban churches. Well that's what I've found anyway.

I'm in the same boat, but moving in the opposite direction, from Essex to the North.

I can see the village will be a lovely place to grow up, the schools are tons better, so I feel positive about the move... but... I won't know anybody, and that does scare me.
Here I bump into people I know on most trips out of the house.

I'll hang around and keep reading this thread too!

What everyone else says! Only thing to add is not to expect it to happen overnight: we've been here just over two years, and now we are really good friends with our neighbours and some parents we know through DS's school, but it took a little while (ie almost two years).

Good luck

agnesf not insensitive at all! Another baby really would be the way to go - we moved to where we are now when I was pregnant and all our barbecue friends are those we met through the NCT. But it's not going to happen so I'll work on convincing DH to get a new puppy instead!

Really good tips and ideas here, thank you. I had considered the Church angle - we're not especially religious but I know it's often the centre of village life so a good place to start.

I got chatting to our new neighbours when we moved to a region neither of us was familiar with. Most people in our street were easy to talk to so it's been a breeze from that point of view.

We love our new house, area, school etc. Everything is near to hand, no need for car except for big food shop once a week. So that's all good...

I did a bit research online about the village I live in and found that they have a 'residents association' so I joined the FB page for that, and then went along to one of the meetings just last month, actually. Really enjoyed it, and had a chance to chat to others in my local area. It's a good way to find out what's happening in your area and to meet new people. I found out there's also a gala day through going to this meeting. I probably would not have known about this if I'd not went along to the meeting.

Get involved with what's going on in your area, it's the best way to meet others.

I moved to Kent many years ago when my husband got a job there. I started a new job teaching about 30 miles from where we lived. I liked my colleagues but no one every invited me to their home or suggested social activities even though I was new to the area and 500 miles from home and family, that was a cultural change to me! I was young, my husband worked 60+ hour weeks. However, I made good and lasting friends through a church group, with others who had moved to the area too. In my last move I also found the best group to make friends with were the fellow incomers! Volunteering helps everyone make friends whether you move somewhere new or not. But now we are still close to the group of 6 or so that we made friends with and they continue to make a great stopping off point for our European jaunts! I wish you well.

A dog is actually a very good ice breaker you will for sure get talking to other dog walkers!

Go to toddler groups or join PTA etc. I made some of my closest friends doing that & now are like extended family living in the village! Stop & say hello to people especially with similar age kids & bite the bullet and invite them for coffee. I would have never have had done this pre kids but do glad I did when my DS was a baby. Good luck

Become a school governor?