Help Please 🙏 Dilemma

[Sacredy]

Hi, my DD was awarded a double scholarship and 100% bursary to her current school. She’s a weekly boarder and has nearly completed year 9.
She is utterly miserable. Each half term we hope it will get better but it hasn’t. Room shares with disruptive students with suicidal thoughts and previous expulsions are just one example.
It is too far away for DD to be a day student.
DD is adamant she can’t continue but feels so awful that she’s wasting her scholarship and bursary.
I am mostly concerned about her mental health and know that this can’t continue any longer. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Prior to senior school she had the same scholarship and bursary at a local prep school. Thank you for reading.

Have you explored with her what could change at school that would make her feel happier? Eg, changing rooms etc. If yes, talk to the school. If there’s nothing that she can bring to mind that would positively affect her experience then I think you have to take her out. The messaging that she has to continue despite being adamant that she can’t could seriously damage her long term mental health and your relationship with her, of course.
A horrible situation for her particularly with the guilt of wasting the bursary.
Are there other good schools more local to you she could look at? Good luck

Thank you so much for your reply. It made me cry. I have spoken to the housemaster on numerous occasions regarding room shares and the answer is that they have to rotate (between 6girls) every half term so that they all bond. This has been unimaginably stressful.
I know what I have to do which is to take her out. Thank you so much for your kind reply.

She needs to leave, her mental health is the most important thing.

Do you feel like she’s wasting her bursary? If so, explore that as it might keep her thinking she is too. She ISN’T, she should not live somewhere that is causing her to have suicidal thoughts!

My DH was miserable at boarding school and he wasn’t taken out, but his parents went to great lengths to fix it, and things got a little better. He has spent a lot of his adult life recovering from that experience and says now that he should have been taken out but he had the feeling that he couldn’t “quit” and it would be good for him to “overcome it”.

Put her in a day school near you - there must be one that is suitable if she was at a day school near home before.

Thank you. Just to note it is not DD that has suicidal thoughts but girls who she has had to share with. I know what I have to do. Remove her. Thank you again.

A horrible situation for you too, OP! Rotating every half term sounds bonkers to me! To my mind, how can you ever feel settled and work through the ‘storming’ part of building a team (to put it in to corporate jargon!) when you know in a matter of week’s it will change again. I don’t know what’s typical in boarding schools but raises questions for sure. Where’s her certainty, her continuity, her feelings of autonomy with that approach?

The school clearly think your DD is exceptional so am sure they will be very sad to see her leave but the fact they haven’t listened to her and you and the fact there seem to be other girls with well being concerns might mean a move is for the best regardless of your DD’s feelings anyway.
Your DD is clearly so academically bright she’ll thrive in that department going forward but it’s her well being that needs to be protected at all costs.

DearMartha, I have not posted on mumsnet before so not even sure how to reply to messages! Your replies have been such a great support.

You have to tell the school that you are removing your DD, despite the scholarship and bursary, and why. If the rooming is the only reason she can’t cope (I don’t mean to imply that it’s not a good enough reason, but if she enjoys the rest of school, lessons, activities, friendships) then it’s a pretty damming statement to say this one thing that you (the school) won’t address is so appalling that she would give up everything else to make it stop.

However, is there any element where you think that your DD just doesn’t gel with boarding? Appreciate the roommates’ issues are problematic, but if they were ok would she still want to leave and this is a cover? She needs to be honest if the problem is actually that boarding simply isn’t for her. There’s no shame in that.

I'm a big supporter of boarding school for the right kid in the right situation, and my DCs board. This situation sounds mad, switching around every half term, and I'm not surprised it's not working for your DD! How on earth do they think boarders at other schools "bond" when they're in double rooms or even singles that don't change all year?!

I'm assuming the housemaster is unwilling to change the rooming process despite you asking a number of times so all you can do is withdraw your DD and make it clear that this is the reason why. I think that also indicates how they would react in future if something else went wrong - zero flexibility.

I think the bursary is making her feel like she needs to stick out an untenable situation longer than she should. Bursaries are not free money, if that helps her thought process - they're merely a door that opens, but if you can't take advantage of what's on the other side of the door, there's no value whatsoever to the bursary to that child. It's like someone giving you a very expensive present that you can't use, is costing you a fortune, and you think is ugly.

I’m so glad. Sending strength!

You are absolutely right thank you so much for the door and gift explanation. It has really helped me to know what has to be done. Thank you again.

The problem is that she can’t stand the boarding situation and that will not change. She does like the school but is unable to attend as a day girl as we are too far away. Thank you for your reply.

I've no idea how this could work in this situation but I live in a town with a youth academy sports team, and boys often board with local families if they live far away. If she likes the school is there anywhere else she could live as a day pupil? E.g. with a relative, the school may have a bus network which stretches wide if they also have day pupils.

Or is there a different flexi boarding set up she could access which moves her out of this particular room share situation? She'd be doing more traveling back and forth from home but it might be feasible. Depends if you're 90 minutes aware or 5 hours!

Dear Wirdle, thanks very much for your thoughts and ideas. Unfortunately, this isn’t an option and they won’t offer any flexibility!

Have you tried escalating your concerns to the pastoral Deputy Head (or equivalent role) if your housemaster isn’t coming up with better solutions?I taught in a boarding school and was a tutor in a boarding house and we would never have just let a situation drift on with someone as unhappy as your daughter sounds. Whoever is the pastoral line manager of the housemaster/ mistress team should be involved if things are at this stage.

I would also observe that some children just didn’t get on with boarding - it’s a long and tiring day with constant exposure to your peer group and some children just find that emotionally draining I think, even in the best managed school in the world. I saw it most in them in the evenings/ around bedtime when I was often struck by how young they still looked in their pyjamas - and how tired. It’s categorically not a failure on your daughter’s part if she doesn’t get on with boarding, bursary or no bursary.

my only other thought is whether you could rent somewhere nearer the school or even just get an air b n b for a couple of nights midweek to break the week up a bit and see if that helps? Even just to get to the end of this school year.

I’m sure what matters most is that she feels you are listening to her concerns and trying to help her, I’m sure you’ll find the best outcome for her.

I think you are doing the right thing.

I had a pupil last year who won a scholarship in the subject I taught them to a top senior school. They were so excited and I was so sure they would continue to fly there as they did at our prep school. They have been miserable as a boarder. Doesn't mind the school at all and was doing well but could not cope being there full time. Mental health and attitude both took a nose dive. Family has withdrawn them to homeschool.online school and they are now like a completely different child - happy, relaxed, positive ... so worth doing, even though it seemed like such a shame on paper.

UPDATE! Thank you all for your advice and words of wisdom. I have secured a place at a day school 7 miles from home. There was one place left! They immediately honoured DD’s academic scholarship and invited us to apply for a bursary! The HM also waived the entrance exams saying that DD’s last report spoke for itself and no need to add further pressure on DD.
I am blown away and so relieved. DD is excited! Thanks again to all of you. 😊😘

Absolutely fantastic news! Well done! What a result! You can all enjoy your summer and relax now. Thanks for the update.

Great update! Well done, OP!

So relieved to hear this. Your DD sounds exceptionally bright & stoical & just the sort the new school will love to have on board. Well done for being proactive & listening to your child.