Sacrificing a bigger house for private education

[Purtyburty]

We are considering sending our two children to private school from age 3 but this would mean sacrificing a bigger house and staying in our 3 bed semi but potentially extending it to get a fourth bedroom. We live in West Yorkshire. We had a play date a couple of weeks ago with somebody who will also be attending that school and after seeing their very large house it made me wonder if that is the norm in private school. The reason I ask is that I worry about comments about wealth and comparison in the future. Does anybody have any experience of this or views? I don’t mean this to be goady as I know we are privileged to be able to send our children to private school but at the same time I wouldn’t want my children to feel in any way inferior amongst their peers. I hope this comes across with the intention that is meant. Thank you.

My dc are in state secondary school.

We live in an extended 4 bedroom semi.

Some of their school friends live in 3 storey, 5 bedroom seafront homes, others in detached sizeable houses in the country and have overseas holiday homes.

They don’t give a shit who lives where! Whether or not there’s a different attitude in privately educated kids, I couldn’t tell you.

I read this over and over again on MN. The differential between those children in state schools is probably far greater than for those in private schools.

Explore why it would bother you
And why you would pass these insecurities onto your kids?
Kids do not care
Maybe some parents will be snobby

Hi. I don’t think forgoing a bigger house is an issue at all, as long as you are happy with where you live.

I would, however, think about whether you will be making lots of other financial sacrifices in order to make private school doable? ie. Working more and seeing children less, less able to save, unable to pay into pensions, reduction in usual quality of life, feeling of financial pressure insidiously creeping in to daily life? If any of these apply, I’m not sure private school would be worth it. I (personally, of course!) feel that children will gain more from more relaxed parents, even if it all feels subconscious.

My kids go to a state school in West Yorkshire. Some of their friends live in massive houses with huge gardens and go on fancy holidays every year, some of them live in tiny flats and have never been abroad. My kids are somewhere in between. It just isn't an issue, I don't see why this would be different in a private school.

We live in a modest house and did private prep. Our 3rd child was teased because of his house and constantly wanted designer clothes and was always wanting "stuff" to keep up with his friends. Since moving to state secondary all of that has gone out of the window. He now appreciates his home and knows he is lucky compared to many, they all mix together and as others have said, no one cares where people live and there is much less pressure on having the right stuff. Have friends using private secondary, they have a nice but modest home and are really struggling to keep up with the affluence and attitude of other pupils in this regard. This gap will only widen with the increase in fees. In my experience therefore, this is something you might come across.

You sound like us 😂 2 kids in private school, West Yorkshire and live in a 3 bed semi. We absolutely love the school and our kids are very happy so we are with our choice. All of the kids have very different background- some very well off (few and far between ) and others are the same as us, and have less
holidays , or none, etc especially the the VAT being added people are open more about budgets and lack of extra income. Don’t stress about it- we’re glad our kids are in the school they are. We love it and the parents there are down to earth. You can walk on the playground in PJs and no one would bat an eyelid!

Private school families come from all sorts of backgrounds. The culture at schools will vary - some are very status conscious, but most are not and there will be plenty of students in smaller homes where school fees have meant compromises in other areas. Our school attracts a wide spectrum of families, and while some are economically oblivious, most are not.

as for the house - children don’t care, or prioritise different things. We live in an older but fairly ‘estately’ home and my children endlessly go on about how jealous they are of a friend in a semi that costs a fraction of ours - it is newer, it is more central, they have a trampoline. They are not wrong. I love my home, but in the eyes of my children it is a decrepit old house in the middle of nowhere that needs endless work.

Our house is very modest and we're in West Yorkshire, we're embarking on state as were allocated a very good school unexpectedly but the catchment includes insane houses so I'm sure it's an "issue" for state school too.

Will probably revisit private later down the road and the secondaries seem very diverse (if not in wealth) so I'm sure there will be many different types of families.

I try to be satisfied with what we have, it is more than most of the world could dream of. If a couple of million dropped into my lap of course I'd make different decisions, but if we don't do private schooling that money will be used for investing anyway so not on keeping up with the Jones.

I think the dynamics will vary school to school and area by area. I also think a lot of preps will have ‘monied’ parents as people would generally prioritise secondary if not going all through. You’ve got to be properly committed to the cause/financially very solid to start private education in reception.

It's fairly normal for families in our prep to be raising dcs in flats -we are in London so they still cost a fair bit, and they are premium flats (eg conversions in prime London areas or in upmarket developments). But it means there's not much snobbery about houses at all. Our school doesn't attract old money types and I don't know anyone who lives in a country estate style home. The kids are kind and it wouldn't be an issue.

Personally I think private schools are a waste of money during primary years. During secondary yes I think it’s worth it

It won't be an issue at primary, but it could be at secondary, particularly if there are other sacrifices you need to make e.g. they can't go on the expensive trip/have designer clothes/certain experiences.

I'd consider saving on primary and having a bit more spare cash for secondary when it matters more.

My kids are at a London private and there's a big range of wealth brackets. The school has a good bursary scheme - as a result you might get an investment banker's kid who lives in a 20 bed mansion sitting next to a kid who is from a 'rough' estate. The kids/parents just get on with it and everyone is non-judgemental - I don't notice any snobbery really.

What I would say is that this polarity will only get worse in years to come. Fees are utterly astronomical already, particularly with the VAT and will only go up year on year. My kids are close to finishing school, but if I was just starting out, there's NO WAY I would be thinking about private from three. Find an area with great state schools or grammars, tutor if needs be, and maybe think about private for years 7-11....

I think it depends on the school.

We live in a small 3 bed semi. DC at a private school where the typical parent is a doctor, a university professor or a senior person in a local business. We have a modest bursary. There is no snobbishness and no difficulty with being less wealthy than some. I can imagine it might be an issue at a posher kind of private school. It was very much the right choice for us.

Depends where you live. I live in a grammar school area and primary is v much prioritised.

We did exactly that, 1 DD who started independent secondary school 2 years ago ie Yr 7.
All our friends who chose state also upgraded their houses/cars etc but we are in a small 3 bed semi.
Don't regret it all and none of DDs friends look down on her/us, in fact ours is the house they all congregate at.
Her school is a rural NE indy so broad range of income types and she isn't out of place at all.
For us, her education + happiness at school is more important than having a bigger house.

Depends on the school and even the year. but you’d be surprised how many people like you are there.

We have normal jobs (teacher and charity worker), but thanks to a wonderful family member , our kids are in private. the eldest is fine. There are some Uber wealthy families and some families similar to ours and the kids aren’t bothered either way. Some of the richest parents are absolutely awful but I don’t mix with them. And there are going to be people you don’t like in any social group!

The youngest does seem more aware of the disparity when I pick up in my 10 year old Golf and he sees friends going home in brand new sports cars, or they’re taking about half term in Dubai and we went camping in Wales, but all the parents in his year are lovely so he regularly has play dates in mansions and the mansion kids come to ours with no comments so far.

You’ll find your people if this is what you decide is right for you and your family .

We’ve done it. Stayed in our first home (3 bed semi) and educated dd privately from y1 upwards. No regrets and no judgement from other parents/kids at schoool.

One thing that can be a little tricky with children in private, if you are at the lower end of the wealth spectrum, is school holidays - as lots of families aren't around, or go to second homes...

But this isn't everyone by any stretch. Plus as kids get older they often get invited to second homes, or their mates want to spend less time on family holidays anyway!

There are two types of private school parent OP, the ones like you who have to make sacrifices and the ones like your friend who don’t.

I had a friend whose parents got divorced when she was at private school and she always said it was horrible being the kid in the old car with the small house and without the holidays. So the kids do notice.

It’s a difficult one

I have a very large house and children in independent school- however my circumstances are changing and now I am contemplating getting a very small house and continuing on fees vs a medium house, state school and not having to work full time to be there more for the children

I believe kids need space to study and to unwind… more than houses, I think it makes a big difference when you are able to spend time with your children after school etc so I feel it’s a balance of everything.

if I go down state school route - I would get weekly tutors to ensure they remain in the top sets to filter out any disruptive behaviour.