worried about private school cliques

[Seashell83]

Hi parents, I hope I'm posting in the right group on MN. I'm feeling a lot of feels this morning after spending the morning at my DS's school for a lovely Mother's Day breakfast event. For context, DS is an only child and has started Reception at a lovely private boys school.

Now I love the school so far. DS is happy, thriving and always talks about all his friends which is lovely. DS is a very friendly child and as soon as me or DH are at his school, DS is happy to ditch us to play with his friends (he gives them hugs, wants to hold their hands) whereas some boys tend to stick with their parents - I'm happy with this as it show DSs independence and comfort level.

However, I've started to notice that cliques have started to form amongst the parents, which I know is natural, but today I just felt as though none of the mums talked much with me even though I tried to talk to them. I also noticed a few mums getting a little annoyed with my DS who was excited to have breakfast with his friends... and I also overheard a couple of mums arranging play dates at each other's houses (where we have been invited before but not this time).

A lot of the parents seem to come from wealth and live in nice big houses. DH and I are very normal individuals personality-wise (id like to think!), we aren't rich and live in a nice area and in a normal sized house. We don't spend on extravagant things so can afford to send DS to private school.

Im starting to wonder a few things and need you mums to help me snap out of it.

• I am worried because my DS is an only child, will he be over-bearing with his love for his friends to the point they start getting annoyed at him and start leaving him out as they get older
• we aren't rich enough... Will the parents judge us for this
• I feel like I show my insecurity of having only 1 child, being older, earning less and living in a "small house"
• because of this, will parents start leaving us out of social events which in turn will mean they start excluding my DS from get togethers?

Anyone else that has felt like this?

That happened in DDs state primary, some parents will know each other already etc. At state primary it took until Yr1 to get to know other parents.
IMO this is playground politics rather than private school politics.

DD now indy secondary and we are in similar financial position to you. No issues at all but still cliques cos that's the way of the world

Its very early days
A lot of parents will know eachother due to older siblings etc
Of course its school dependent but I doubt your wealth and/or house will matter
Just take it slowly and don't be too pushy and you should be ok

You don’t know how long the mums have known each other and friendship dynamics s you’ve only just started , maybe they are friends outside ? Give it time

how would they know the size of your house ? It’s a bit odd that anyone would make friends based in salary or house size

I went to a new hobby group last night and there are these women who I thought were a bit cold shoulder towards me only sit exclusively together don’t make an effort and made me feel that I may not wish to continue if the group was going to be cliquey… but last night it was obvious they are old friends outside side of the group an they made an effort to be friendly so sometimes it takes time

for a mum to show irritation to another child , either they are very intolerant / rude or your son’s behaviour was not ok , are you too indulgent maybe ?

personally I’d try and pick one of the mums at a time and try to arrange a chilled one to one and get to know them that way

but if non of this works , let it go they are not your tribe

You’re making lots of assumptions and I don’t think most of this is due to it being a private school. My sons went to a private. I am a single parent who was working in a public sector job. My house would fit into the living room of some of my sons’friends houses! My eldest was the only one from his nursery who went to the school and in his class there were some cousins and several children who had come from the same nursery so the mother’s already knew each other a socialised. My son made lots of good friends and I made a good friend with his best friend’s mum but that was it.

it was different with my younger son and he knew someone from his nursery and I happened to work with that child’s mum. It was generally a more sociable class but I never made any long lasting friends. A fair proportion of the boys were only children possibly the only way they could afford private. Consequently both my sons had lots of play date invite in primary because the parents of the only children wanted someone for their sons to play with.

i have to admit I rarely reciprocated as I was working a full on full time job with unsociable shifts so didn’t really have the time/inclination to sort out play dates and it really didn’t affect my sons.

I agree that it's not a private school thing - I found the mum cliques far worse at my son's state primary than at the independent school he moved to in yr 4. I think some groups of parents are just more cliquey than others. Try not to overthink it though, soon enough they're getting more independent and parental influence plays a much smaller part in who's friends with who.

DC went to a state school and it was exactly as you describe. The most stuck up, snootiest parents I've ever met, all from the massive big houses near the school that they'd bought to be in catchment.

Our after school nanny used to comment how friendly the mums were at pick up at my DD’s private school but those at her DC’s state school would ignore her. Fortunately, with time, parents softened and she made some parent friends. Sometimes it takes a certain number of normal, secure individuals to set the tone.

Not just a private school thing sadly. When my oldest started in Reception at state school one of the other mums quickly identified from the new parents whom she thought was either a) wealthy or b) influential and invited them all for dinner at hers.
Most people saw through it and thought she was a bit of an idiot but she was definitely trying to create a clique of parents she thought would be useful to her.
Having said that though it is nice to have a group of school parent friends. I would go to any whole class events and see if you click with any of the other parents and then follow up with a play date/coffee etc to get to know them better

My DS is an only child, I'm a single mum, definitely not wealthy, and DS is on a scholarship.

He used to hug his friends aged 4, which they eventually got annoyed with, and he soon learned not to.

The mums tended to fall into different natural groups - those who were sahms, those who lived within a stone's throw of the school, those with pony-mad Dds, those who had careers and didn't have much time, those who became the backbone of the PTA.

All you can do is be yourself, live your life and be friendly and open.

It’s “just” school - it doesn’t need to be the focus of your entire life. It’s nice if you find some friends on the same wavelength, but don’t expect it to fill a gaping hole in your lives.

Play dates in the early years are controlled by parents, as the kids grow up they start to choose their own friends. This isn’t a private school thing, it’s just a school thing.

Our state primary was extremely cliquey.

Either recognise that this is your own insecurity speaking and work on it, or move him to a state school chosen because the majority of other parents have exactly your social-economic profile.

Why can’t women form friendship groups without it being ‘clique’? There are so many threads on here about this topic like people think they are entitled to other women’s friendships just because they had a child at the same time and if they are not included (which is different to being excluded) then the other women as mean ‘cliques’.

As for your son being overbearing that may be the case - some kids are. But be wary of pathologising him being an only child for this personality trait, my eldest was still an only when he started reception and a fair few of his friends still are, and they were/are not overbearing in any way. The most overbearing child in his class back then had two siblings 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have to say it does sound like you have a bit of a chip on your shoulder about not being as wealthy as some of the other families at the school, so you need to either get over that - I’m sure you are not the only family scrimping and saving to afford private school - or move him to a state school where you might feel less insecure as this insecurity is likely to rub off on your son eventually.

At the end of the day, many of these people are actually paying money specifically to keep their offspring from being exposed to the "wrong" kind of children - even if they don't say that out loud. Of course people like that are going to be cliquey snobs!

Though parents' cliques happen in state schools too of course.

I’ve quoted your OP in full because so much of it resonates with me. It is undeniably true that state schools have cliques but private school cliques are in a class of their own so to speak and I think it is very much to do with wealth and Mums having high flying careers where they have learned to do the social kiss to a T. And also which children play in the ‘A’ team for rugby. If your child is academic, that doesn’t count. With private schools, it’s all about the sports.

So if you’re ‘just’ a normal Mum with normal wealth and a normal home and your child doesn’t fit the mould and what’s more it’s your only child (so there isn’t an alternative set of parents in another class), I think you would very much feel it. Although these mums are generally quite friendly one on one, I feel less uncomfortable with them socially anyhow because the fact is that we are quite different in our backgrounds and the way we spend our lives. Like you, I too am an older mum, but I don’t think this is the real issue - it’s just anotherstick I use to beat myself with for failing to fit into one of these tight groupings.

I have adopted the mindset that I am in my own tribe and if other people want to join me there then they are very welcome. But I don’t need to be in anyone else’s tribe. Things do change especially when you are currently in year one. Many of the mums will go back to work and friends will come along. Hang on in there!

It’s one of the most amusing fallacies on here among private school parents, that bullies, the obnoxious, dysfunctional and disruptive do not exist at private schools. Unless of course by the ‘wrong’ type of child, they mean ‘poor’.

Op, you will find as many different personalities amongst parents at a private school as you would at a state school, at a concert, in the civil service or whatever.
Groups of people don’t have specific characteristics - there’s good and bad and everything in between in people wherever you go.
However, I appreciate that although stereotyping is generally disapproved of on mumsnet, private school parents and students are an exception to this and any old insults are acceptable.
No, you will not be judged for not being ‘rich enough’. Our house is small and scruffy - grandparents paid our DCs’ school fees - and that wasn’t an issue. In fact, there’s no central heating in the upstairs bedrooms and the DC’s’ friends loved having a lot fire in their bedroom.

What a load of presumptious nonsense! 'If your child is academic, that doesn’t count. With private schools, it’s all about the sports.' Couldn't be further from the truth infact more the opposite. Academics count for much in private schools but with a good balance of sport too and its not sport alone in the list of extra curriculars. Not every private school dc is 'sporty', but most dc find something they are good at, and ALL are celebrated! Sport, Music, Art, Drama, something more niche? you can add it to the list.
By far, the snottiest school mums i ever met where in the state sector. That doesn't mean every state school mum is snooty they call come in their varieties.

The parents in DS1’s year at the state school he attended briefly were mostly lovely. In DS2’s year there was a proper queen bee parent with an army of adoring followers. I think though that she’d have been the queen bee regardless of which type of school her child was at.

DS went through private school from 4yrs old to sixth form. Huge variety of parents and yes cliques develop but ultimately the children do eventually pick their fiends. We are a fairly average ( wealth wise) professional family, DS’s best friend has always been one of the wealthiest, but understated child. His parents could see how their friendship brought him out of his shell and that our family values were not money orientated. They are now at different unis but still maintain a strong friendship.

He has other similar strong friendships. We have never tried to influence his choice of friends and he has discovered which ones are genuine and which aren’t. Sadly, the boy who lived closest was always discouraged from developing a friendship, DS was “not suitable”. Despite the boys DM’s influence, he spent a lot of time with DS who helped him academically.

As a result DS has a strong network of friends, they are all home for Easter. He spent Monday evening with two of them, Tuesday watching football with another two and is playing golf with a bigger group on Friday.
They are a lovely group and many have stopped with us after nights out. DS actually has his “own” room at a couple of his friend’s houses. DS has never felt embarrassed at bringing his friends to his house ( a very modest 3 bed detached) which says a lot about both his friends and him.

One thing that helped DS was playing sport both at school and out of school. He is still close with some of his rugby mates. Unfortunately the team broke up as a result of the pandemic. He still sees a number of them when out and about as well as friends he’s made playing cricket.

Interestingly the clique children end up with fewer friends and often lack the skills to make friends by themselves because mum has always done the work for them. I love the fact that DS has the ability and confidence to makes friends without an introduction. He has learned not to judge a book by its cover and never writes someone off without giving them a chance. He shares a flat with 9 others currently all strangers when they moved in. One individual was not popular from the start but DS stayed on the fence and now is happy to be in his company. He was frequently asked to “buddy” new pupils at school to help them when they started, he didn’t always develop a friendship with them but helped them find a friendship group. I think that it has helped him tremendously.

Perhaps your child’s private school is different to my child’s then. What I have said is true for my child’s school, where the less sporty children have been referred to as ‘less competent’ by parent spectators. Try saying that about a child who is less academic. And where if a child plays in the A team then they invite only other kids who play in the A team.

I moved my daughter from a cliquey state school to an independent in year 3. The parents in her current class are all both parents working so have less time to socialise but are more down to earth. I also have a very social only child. I look outside school for her friendships as her current school has children coming from quite far. She does girl guiding and has made local friends there. We also socialise in school holidays with the children of my university friends/ old colleagues etc. I think your difficulty is that you have an only child so are much more available for socialising than most children with siblings, I’d suggest signing him up for some after school activities. My DD makes friends at these - swimming lessons etc,

Anecdote represents a single experience and not always the broader reality. You've posted as if you are an authority on what goes on across the entire private school sector when actually, you couldn't be more wrong. Your school is an anomaly. Even the schools that are known for being more relaxed and non selective, rate academics!

Infact, most indy's that perform notably well at sports also take academics very seriously and the students are celebrated for their academic achievements - subject competitions, you can tell by the million medals they wear proudly on their uniforms, differentiation in uniforms to highlight academic prowess, & at my dc school (yrs ago!) - different coloured shoes!!! 'Academic scholars', are viewed with reverence like awe it's actually quite funny.

One of the key strengths of private schools is that whatever you are good at is celebrated which really builds self esteem & confidence in students.
Your school sounds very unusual, but also, just because some ignorant parents made silly comments by the sidelines doesn't represent the school's overall ethos. Most indy's will grab a very academic dc with both hands with promises of scholarships etc.

Yep. But as with the OP I’m talking about parental cliques, not the ethos from the school’s POV. And as I said before, that is how they operate in my child’s private school, not how they operate in yours. Nevertheless, sport is a big thing in most private schools, what with having twice the amount of sport that a mainstream state school would provide, whereas the academic subjects are on a part timewise with state schools.