Is prep school a good idea for my unhappy son?

[OneDayIWillLearn]

My son is 8 and in year 3 in a state primary school. He is pretty bright but he has never really enjoyed school - we’ve had better and worse periods but he’s never liked it and doesn’t like going. He doesn’t find it that easy to make friends and he isn’t sporty or physically that confident. He reads a lot by himself and likes history, science, maths, drawing/ art but isn’t a very keen writer. He seems to have gone under the radar quite a lot at school and has developed quite a low opinion of his abilities and himself - which I of course try to counteract but it seems hard to shake. He is generally happy at home and gets on well with us and his cousins/ grandparents etc

We have just moved house and as part of the move he has moved to a smaller village primary school. In his old class he was in a class of 32 whereas the new one is 23 (mixture of year 3/4). He has been there 4 weeks and has actually made a friend in his words. I thought the smaller class/ school might be better for him but he’s still really unhappy about going to school and this week was in tears most mornings about it which was hard to see. We’ve talked a lot with him about coping strategies and the school are being supportive but he just seems to dread going.

There is the option of a small, non selective private school fairly nearby which has a prep school as well as the senior school. The whole school is only 250 pupils and I think the prep school must be no more than 40-50 (I’ve booked a tour next week so will find out).

We can afford it but it would of course be another big expensive and we are not made of money by any means! But it would be well worth it if it made him happier about school.

What I’m wondering though if the prep school is going to be just another school he isn’t very happy going to. I know it’s hard to answer this but has anyone else had a similar experience with their child being unhappy/ low self-esteem at primary school and things improving with a move to prep school?? My hope would be the more nurturing environment would feel more manageable for him and the (even smaller!!) class sizes etc would help build up his confidence in himself.

But I feel it’s a big risk if we move him and take on the added expense and it’s no better than what we’ve got now - plus another unsettling move of school for him.

School seems far too small overall - 250 total from prep to senior, so from 5-18 or from 8-18? Doesn't sound like it will be economically viable, quite apart from the too small pool of friends for your child. I'd avoid any small private schools now - for lots it'll only take a few pupils leaving to go under.

I’d be worried the school is too small to be economically viable. Also, I know you know him best of course but is small really the way to go? I would have thought a larger school would mean a better chance of finding boys with similar interests. And if you’re thinking private and he’s bright and loves maths and science then perhaps he’d thrive in a selective school that has lots of other academic boys. You know him best though! If you think this school is a good fit and you’ve poked through their accounts to be confident it isn’t on the verge of collapse then perhaps he could do a taster day before you make any decisions?

At this age and in a non-selective prep school your son's academic ability will be even less valued. I'd try to expand his interests if possible - get him to try new sports / hobbies / find opportunities to make friends outside of school.

Yes it’s 250 5-18. It’s always been that kind of size but yes the financial side does worry me! Where’s the best place to sleuth accounts?

It wouldn’t be my first choice of school on paper to be honest though I’ll reserve judgement until I’ve looked round in person.

There are two other independents with prep schools which would be sort of possible - one is 40 mins drive and one 45 mins (whereas the one I am mainly thinking of is 18 mins)….though they do all have buses, but seems a lot of travelling per day on top of a longer school day? One is 375 and one 400 (5-18) so also small, and neither is academically selective in prep school, nominally in senior but pretty mixed ability. It’s quite a rural area so that’s the lot!!

But you are making me think maybe it’s not the solution….

Companies House and the Charity Commission if the school is a charity. The Charity Commission have good graphics to show the financial data, which is a bit easier than wading through the accounts on Companies House.

Would be concerned about financial stability tbh. Small indy schools are the ones feeling the brunt of the VAT + business rates increases. The majority of the 18 to close since January have been these types of schools.

my child is in a class of less than 10 kids. It’s awful for friendships. I’m removing him at the end of the academic year. Just don’t do it

I'm not sure that a prep school would make much of a difference with the problems he is having. If he has made a friend at his new school that's a good start. I think you need to give it longer so he can settle in.

I just wanted to say thanks to you all for commenting, it gave me some very useful perspective! I was thinking of the positives of better relationships with teachers but the smaller friendship group pool is a really good point. As is the question of financial stability.

I think I’m still going to do a bit more research on it as an option, not least because it might be one to consider for secondary, but at least if we wait until then the VaT changes will have had some time to bed in. And if I really don’t like the place then I can stop thinking of it as an option!

And yes I think getting him into some more extracurricular options is a good plan. I haven’t really had time to do that since we moved and didn't want to overload him but I think it could help with the friends side of things too.

A few random thoughts about hobbies - karate rather than football/team sports? What about something like Pokémon card game? There are places to play all over the place. Sounds like you might need to think a bit wider for activities/interests?

Usually I'd say yes, because our experience of prep has been a world away from the 'outstanding' primary he was at, they've really nurtured him as an individual, there are 80+ clubs a week so plenty for every interest whether it's book group, robotics, fencing, horse riding, lego or whatever, and he's found a lot more respect as a person at the prep whereas at primary he was a child to be brought into line (as they all were viewed it seemed, despite him being chronically shy and afraid). However, this doesn't sound like it would offer that range of options for your son and he'd still be in a very small pond and not overly likely to find his people. Most prep schools offer taster days where your child goes and spends a day in school to see how they like it, would that be an option? Is there another prep nearby that might be able to offer a bit more? Like others have said I'd be very concerned about the viability at that size and definately worth looking carefully at the accounts.

I’ve had an unhappy son at the same age. He sounds really similar to yours.
I don’t think he has given it longer enough at the new school and there is a risk that he will feel a failure if he moves again .
What worked for us was to talk to the teacher and ask for their help to suggest kind children with nice parents and similar interests . The teacher ( year 3) paired him up for activities with a child who she thought he would get on with, and I organised play dates by texting the nice mums , introducing myself and explaining that the teacher thought our kids would get on and would they like to come for a coffee and bring the child to play. He soon had a few more friends. Great advice also to find out what other local kids like - Pokémon go is fun, computer/ tech club , cubs / beavers. Marshall arts and swimming are good for self confidence

My other boy got to 11 in a small school ( 11 boys in his year) . It made it much harder to find his tribe . He is so much happier at a bigger school which is academic where he has found like minded children for friends. Smaller is not always a good idea particularly for juniors onwards .

@OneDayIWillLearn This thread just came up on MN for me - sorry not to have replied at the time.
My son sounds just like yours - big reader, bit lazy about writing, not sporty/physically confident. Started off at a state primary (30 kids in the class) and was bored witless - it actually sent him backwards and he hated going. Moved to a pre-prep for a little while which was better in some ways but it wasn’t the right one for him - it was a bit hot-housey and he was the only new boy in his year. But then he went to a prep in Y4 and it was a great success. Lots of reasons why (if you DM me I can tell you what to look out for) but as you say, close comms with all the teachers is really important. That is one of the biggest differences I found between state and private. Plus, in general, classroom behaviour is a lot better. At his old school it was the naughty ones (and teacher’s pet girls) who got all the attention and it was too easy for other boys to disappear under the radar.