Moving in year 5 to a new school- need advice on how to settle in

[Notsurewhyorwhere]

I would love some thoughts please or even just a listening ear from anyone who moved their kid in year 5.

We moved our DD to a new private school in year 5 as she was being bullied (probably mildly) but the previous private school didn’t really help. I didn’t want to really as we’d been there since reception and wanted to go all the way through and I was settled with my other two kids (we moved her from co-Ed to single sex which isn’t something I buy into).

The new school is smaller so the intake in year 5 is tiny. All the other kids know each other. They’ve been friendly enough but of course they’re already in groups. some aren’t particularly friendly and do deliberately ostracise her in clubs. The parents are fine but they have their own groups. It’s not unwelcoming but I hadn’t realised how hard settling in within this year would be.

The other new girls seem to have settled in a bit easier. I know it’s easy to observe but my daughter says they’re already sitting with small groups whereas she is flitting around still.

My daughter is social but really wants to make close friends and finds it very up and down. I’m social too but find it hard to constantly support her emotions. I am not enjoying not being part of the school but I can accept it. I feel at a loss as to how to help a new child settle, beyond asking for play dates and waiting to be prioritised. The school seems to think she’s doing well.

I just wanted to hear from other parents who settled their kids in a new school in year 5. I’m a bit tired hearing glowing stories of how well moves have gone. I feel like maybe it’s the kid, maybe school is just that little harder for some etc. I suspect year 5 is just a really awkward year to move.

just needed to share and hear- thanks

It’s tough - I don’t have a magic one on this just wanted to sympathise as it can be hard and not as fast settling

We moved DD school mid-way through year 4 and honestly it has taken time for her to find her tribe (that seemed to help the idea that not immediately settling / finding your group is ok) - now start of year 6 would say it’s much better. Year 4 and 5 there was a lot of drama (hormones?) and other DC at school talking lots about having “BFF” so she felt on the outside

We spent quite a bit of effort on finding clubs out of school to give her other opportunities to socialise and not put all the eggs in the school basket

I have taught in a private school and in your situation, I would try and organise a few play dates. A lot depends on your daughter's personality- her resilience levels. As a pp said,do other social groups for your dd.

In addition to the above I'd just keep reiterating how well she's doing and that it's early days.

Recent research says co-ed benefits boys but single sex is better for girls. So it's not a bad idea for her!

Thank you.
i have reached out for play dates and old school friends (not sure the latter is such a good idea early on).
what clubs do you do out of school?

I do have a follow on - do I tell the school of kids are deliberately ignoring her? She’s in a few after school clubs and in one of these a group of year 5 girls refuse to pair up with her which means she’s stuck with younger kids to play with. I accept it as ‘just life’…

Thank you. How much would engage the school on the ups and downs of her settling in? Given the history of bullying and how much I was constantly involved in the last school, I’m a bit unclear if I update the school on her emotional state or just leave it.

Just wanted to send a bit of solidarity as I could have written this, OP. DD9 started at a new, small private school this year and is having a similarly difficult time. She's had a playdate with a girl from her class (instigated by the other girl) but she has always found friendships hard (likely ND) and told me tonight that she feels lonely in her class. Luckily she is maintaining her couple of close friendships from her previous school.

I'm also at a loss as to how best to support her. I've been sitting here wondering whether to email her teacher, or leave it a bit longer. This stuff is hard!

Clubs I suppose it really varies on the DC themselves out of school - art has been good as calming and they do it and chat along, my DD here is less sporty, the school also runs a bunch of after school things which the DC pick so that also brings them closer to more people they get along with (it’s quite a big school - 6 classes in each primary year so your setup may be different)

For school I’ve had some discussions about the tone of DC discussions (being exclusionary around BFF) and also they set her up with the pastoral care for a couple of sessions - which, not sure if it helped but at least another familiar adult to chat with. Also flagged to the teacher that she hadn’t found her tribe and found the teacher open to mixing groups during activities and keeping track of that to give more opportunity not just the same pairs etc. Seems fine to have a “settling meeting” with the teacher to explore what they are seeing as well

Thank you - yes I try the tribe thing too. I think year 4 and 5 is def very challenging

Agree. Thank you for sharing. I came from a much friendlier and bigger school so you had other options… it’s hard as I don’t want to be all over it with the school and truthfully I can hardly force relationships!

I wish you the best this term with the settling. It’s def not easy.

Can she go back to her old school? It sounds rather out of the fat and into the fire

What do you mean low level bullying?

Have you dealt with the reasons why she was getting bullied - and I do not mean this as victim blaming but we can help our children to develop strategies to deal with bullying behaviour, even if it isn't directed towards the bully but directed at building our child's self worth.
Bullying leaves a mark and this then can be replicated in a new situation, has the new school got intervention support to help her deal with her feelings?

One final thought building on what a PP mentioned - my eldest definitely had it harder to make friends - she seemed to find some of the “American Girl” series books useful that talk about friendships and worries etc all on Amazon