excluding just the classmate with special needs from party invitations is NOT ok.

[lingle]

Kind of amazing that this needs to be said really isn't it?

But have a look on the special needs board and you'll see regular threads popping up from parents whose children are routinely the only one - or the only girl/boy - excluded from invitations.

It doesn't matter if you think the child wouldn't enjoy it or couldn't access it - let the parent judge that - send the invitation anyway. If the child has behavioural problems and the invitation is accepted, I think you should ask the parent to stay at the party.

But Maryz - how can parents KNOW that? Seriously. If your 6 yr old tells you that that child is "naughty" or they don't usually play with her or whatever, how can a parent, who doesn't know this child, deduce that the child in question has SN? They can't. Obviously no parent can go into school and ask the teacher, so what can they do? And the "invite all the boys/all the girls/no more than half the class" rule is just silly.

FWIW, I don't imagine I will ever be in this position myself, as I am never going to do the whole class (or even half the class, for that matter) party thing, but whilst I do try to empathise with parents of children with SN (and I am a teacher, so I do have experience of teaching children, albeit older ones, with SN, and have seen how vile children can be to other chidren they consider a bit "different"), I fail to see how you can expect parents to KNOW which children are SN and which aren't, and to make decisions based on that.

And you're right - they may well care more when they're older.

I do see what you mean, and I agree with you. I've never understood the "invite the whole class" mentality anyway, and have always assumed that it comes from the parent rather than the child (hence my first response to this thread)

Excluding a child purely because of SN is deplorable.

Excluding a child purely because of SN is deplorable

was the OP.

No one was suggesting that a child should be invited just because they have SN. That would be stupid. And it also doesn't happen.

ah dunno, the DS girl in my class got invited to most parties - me to none!

from that entirely scientific sample of one class about 25 years ago.....

i wonder if it is really true of SEN kids as such, or maybe Mumsnetters kids in general are less likely to be invited, being, as they are, the children of net-addicted mothers rather than those that work the school run with confidence?

hopes everyone notes slightly tongue-in-cheekness of proposition

Ds loves a party and is honestly no harder work than any other four year old though he can't join in the games very well.

He is sweet and gentle but will struggle to make friends cos of his poor social skills and I wouldn't mind a "pity" invitation so long as it is tactfully done. Not saying people should feel obliged or that I feel somehow entitled as ds has SEN - just saying it would be an act of kindness.

With ds all social interactions are stage managed to a degree anyway.

What about, in the situation I was in at DS1's birthday party this year...He wanted a karate party, which had maximum numbers of 30. He has 32 children in his class...I had been refusing for 2 years, but said OK this year (partly because I knew one of his friends was on holiday and another had a wedding), but in some situations, it is just not possible to invite more than 30 children (most halls/playcentres/party venues locally only allow 30 dc's). What do you do if the class is larger than 30? Now I personally (having 2 SN dc's) wouldn't leave someone out because of their SN, but DS2 was unable to access the karate party DS1 had due to his hypermobility syndrome/hypotonia/chronic asthma combo...does that mean DS1 shouldn't be allowed to have the party HE wanted for his birthday?

Thanks lingle for starting this thread.

And YES, it happens a lot, i have had people come up to me and say 'i havn't invited your dd as i thought she would not be able to cope with the noise', yes dd might not be able to cope but without even giving her the chance to cope then what hope does she have?

We also get parents that go out of their way to make sure my dd's can go and enjoy themselves (by keeping music down etc..).

what is a ds girl?
a dear son girl?

Hence the refusing for 2 years...But if you are paying £100 for 30 children and you'll still pay £100 for 16, why would you only invite 16? And he doesn't really have any friends that aren't in his class...But he wouldn't have had that party if I hadn't known about the 2 that were away.

Another thread in chat today from the mother of a child who was the only one excluded from a pre-school party.

It is not ok to do this.

The worst thing is when parents exclude a minority of children, but make a really showy invitation (e.g. balloon/toy/sweet attached) and hand it out at school gates/give it to the teacher to hand out. I have experienced this in a reception class.

Of course all the invitees want to play with the balloon or whatever (What a charming and creative themed invitation - what a clever mummy!!!), and other children wonder what they have done wrong.

To be fair, I have only seen this happen once or twice. I think sometimes people just get caught up in their and their child's own loveliness.

How can you be so sure that this has happened? Do your local parents of the invited children or birthday child go around loudly commenting on how "everyone" but X was invited? Did you happen to attend a soft play place one afternoon to find everyone your child knows from that year except them invited (this did happen to DH & DS, once)? Do the party parents pull you aside with a fatuous apology about why your child not invited?

I think that by MN standards DC are invited to rather few parties, btw, typically 2-3 a year, so there could be loads of all-the-class-going-except-them parties that I don't know about (but then, how would I know about it?)