Do we need help with this anxiety?

[Hildabeast]

My DD4 due to start in reception in september is beside herself after her recent visit to school. Not sleeping, clinging to me and begging not to be left at school. It's killing me. She doesn't know anybody as she went to nursery and missed out on playgroup because I couldn't pick her up at midday. Feel awful about this. I was the only mum left in the room with my little one and she cleaved to be terrified. I am so worried that it will ruin the summer and seems to be getting worse. dreading the second visit. Have tried talking to the school but obviously they say it is normal for some kids, but has anyone out there got any ideas about easing this anxiety especially at night?

Poor little thing. Does she understand that there is two months before she'll go? So she'll be a lot bigger!

I guess, the more you talk to her the more she'll be reassured. Get the other dc involved?

Thanks adair. my first and only one she is. She likes the IDEA of school and the uniform etc but is literally going into meltdown and veers from clinging to me to being angry and shouty, which I guess is all about trying to cope. I think it brings up issues for me too as I was a very anxious child.

Oh bless her what a shame.

After the second visit if she is still very distressed speak to the teachers. They WILL have dealt with this before and will have lots of ideas
I have no practical advice really as my DS was gagging to go

The only tiny thing is that if she is picking up on your anxiety, could her dad take her to the next settling session instead? Is he more boyuant and likely to inspire more confidence in her?

Oh and dont let it ruin the summer- 2 months is an absolute lifetime for her, so just dont mention it

Aahhhh, I read DD4 as being your fourth child!

My first is due to start in January too (sob). I'm sure there are books out there. I would probably do some games where you pretend to go into school (with dollies) and start doing 'routines' - they'll be the same as nursery more or less I imagine. And then in the 'games of school, say 'ooh, look now I am going to go downstairs and have a cup of tea while you are at school - how exciting!! BYE! see you soon!!' then go back in a few mins. So kinda rewiring her brain that it's ok....
No idea if that would work but worth a try?

Re anxiety at night- dd has some fairies that 'look after her' and we ask them to try and protect her from nightmares. Sometimes they get distracted and we have to talk to them in the morning , but she still has confidence in them...

Oh yes, and saying 'ooh, what did you do at school while I was downstairs?'

Not sure about avoiding it. Maybe, if you think her anxieties have been dealt with.

Just before my dd started pre-school she had a bit of a wobble that I was leaving her there (not left her before) - I brought a book which basically talked abuout everything they'd do there and basically what fun it would be. It really did the trick with my dd (but to fair she wasn't that over anxious about it). But it might help ?

Try to talk to some of the other mums and arrange a play date or two over the summer. Not everyone will have gone to the playgroup.

The child who screamed for a long time on his first day at school (when my DS started), was the third in his family. I now often see him walking to the local grammmar, and looking so confident I find it hard to believe.

Just do read her lots of stories about going to school. Play schools. Go to sociable places over the summer, and don't feel guilty it isn't because she went to nursery, she may just be one of those people who hates change.

And always remember she won't be like this at 18.

some great advice already given - we were allowed to take pictures of the staff and classroom activities on the induction/pre-visit day and looked at the pictures over the holidays before ds started nursery (he was almost 4) and doing the same for reception now ('wow - thats great, a big sandpit etc etc) also arranged a couple of playdates beforehand which really helped as he had a little pal to sit next to on the first few days and play with.
we read janet/alan ahlberg(sp?) book 'starting school' which was good.
I disagree about talking about it lots - its still two months away which is a long time in a toddlers life. perhaps, drive by nearer the time/walk the route and point out the new school. my ds wobbled for a couple of days (and he is extremely clingy) but coped much better than I thought. The teachers basically said to me to trust them, they had years of dealing with this issue - and they were right!!

Maybe don't go on and on about it but really, I wouldn't AVOID the topic. If she wants to talk about it and is expressing anxiety, I'd want to deal with that personally (and maybe right now, as the anxiety is so high - with a game/books etc as discussed - or maybe later with a breezy comment and hug).

Actually I agree with you Adair

I didn't mean totally avoid the subject just not make it a big deal or go on a lot about it, just keep it part of the conversation occasionally, but as you say in a very bright and breezy/ passing comment way

My DD was like this, and I will not lie, but the first 2-3 months were hell!

But that said, she now loves it and cant wait to get to school each morning

I would speak to the teachers, trust me they have been there, and done it, lots and lots of times.

My DD's teachers are fantasic as is the school, so really counting my blessings. They have a buddy system, who are year 3 - year 6 children especially chosen to look after the reception kids during playtimes and help them out as and when they need it.

Building up to going to school, I wouldnt make an issue out of it, but allow her to talk about it too.

Also, I know it is going to be hard, but when the time comes try to remain firm, but supportive. A few times I had to leave my DD in floods of tears, which broke my heart, but its the old thing of being cruel to be kind. I had to walk away, and I admit to having a few tears myself, but its all part of growing up. She would come bouncing out of school at the end of the day, but then in tears again the following morning!

I wish you all the best of luck in the world x

Oh thanks, it is good to hear all your advice. i have talked to my husband about taking her next time and thank goodness she went to bed a little better tonight. I am taking all everyone said on board and really appreciate it.