Being bullied about private education.

[Momdeguerre]

Please may I ask for some advice?

I have two DS, 23 months and 10 weeks so school is a little way off yet, however, I am having huge difficulties with my PIL and particularly SIL regarding our plans to educate the boys.

I went to a private school and enjoyed it, as did DH. We have looked at the possibility of sending our DC to my husbands old school which is very near but, realistically, I just can't see how we will manage the finances without having to make drastic changes to our lives E.g re-mortgage or sell, work away from home, move house etc Even then I think we would still struggle to cover just the basic fees.

SIL has her two boys at this school. She and her DH don't earn much more but have used equity/loans etc to finance the fees but I have no idea how they will manage long term.

Anyway, I like our village school. Ofsted was good, walking distance from home and very small and friendly - just 90 pupils in whole school.

SIL and MIL behave as if I am sending the kids to Borstal! They spend all of their time telling me that my children will never develop social skills, won't pass exams and will never get into a proper secondary school etc etc

I know this is crap but I feel worn down by their constant nagging. I know there are loads and loads of positives about them NOT attending public school (mostly that they will be out of SIL's reach!) but I would appreciate any ammo anyone can provide me with.

Well for a start maybe they will grow up to be less ignorant, ill mannered and judgemental than your MIL and SIL?

They sound horrid. And your village school sounds very nice indeed.

It is your choice...don't be bullied.

Motivated and secure children do very well in any school.

Your MIL ans SIL must be very insecure about their children's ability to force this opinion on you.

perhaps just say, "well school is a looong way off. let's not discuss it until it becomes relevant."

I know you have to put names down at school etc etc, just answer "I'll bear that in mind" if they mention it, sounds like you're agreeing but commits to you to nothing.

It's your decision - they are you children.

Ignore them.

Oh, tune it out. Develop ear filters.

Unless they're offering to pay the fees, it's none of their business how you do or don't spend your money.

People get very very narky on this topic. It may help you to remember that people who are spending/have spent £10K+ per child per year on education are likely to be inherently resistent to the notion that they could have got broadly the same outcome for free. It's called defensiveness, and relates more to their need to believe they made the right decision than to the actual quality of the education.

Remember that more than 50% of Oxbridge entrants come from state schools -- they can't all be ignorant jailbait.

All that everyone else has said - and, remember that a massive proportion of your children's education, especially at primary age, comes from their home life. The school won't make THAT much difference and a good state primary could be as good as or better than the private one - but what will make a big difference is you spending time with your DC, reading with them, doing interesting stuff with them and so on. In your shoes I'd prefer to have any spare income to spend on books, activities, going on interesting days out etc. It would be no fun to have to scrimp on that stuff to pay school fees.

Your children - your choice.
Though probably go with GoingPostals option of saying it's a long way off.

Avoid the private school

It will be

a) lovely to shake her off and
b) immensely satisfying if your children achieve more than hers!

I did state the whole way and did tons of exams and went on to Oxbridge - comprehensive schools are not young offenders institutes.

Agree with frogs - unless they are paying your kids' fees, they have no role in this. Your kids - your choice. What do they want you to do - start educating them privately, only to have to pull them out when you run out of cash because the fees have risen at inflation busting amounts (and you haven't even reached secondary school).

Thank you!

I feel sure that not only is it the right choice but the only choice unless we want to go bankrupt!

I am not easily bullied but my error was to ever discuss the topic with them. She is like a terrier with it - she produces endless stories of horror from local schools and - in tears of joy (honestly) she read me their school assessment!!

I'm glad she is happy but it has been making me feel a bit useless. I considered putting their names down to shut her up but at £150 per child it is way, way too steep! Think I may just fib!

I am certain we will work hard to give the boys lots of outside interests and I doubt they will miss out on anything other than time with my SIL!

Thanks

Hi

Sorry you're getting grief. How about telling them that Education is about much more than academic standards, it is also about learning to get on with people from all walks of life and all backgrounds, something that with the best will in the world, a private education is not going to give your kids. Maybe something about supporting your local community,friends near home etc. That way you are selling the benefits of a state education not just having to be defensive.

My aunt + uncle were like this with my parents for sending us to comp - one of my cousins is a lifeguard, one is currently teaching snowboarding. My sisters and I went to decent unis (frantically checking this post for appalling grammar, failing), and although none of us are multi-millionaires, we're doing alright i reckon.

Not saying one job is better than the other, just that its ridiculous to think private education guarantees a high-flying career, iyswim.

Am now worrying about offending lifeguards/snow boarders. Sorry.

State primary has been fine for us. I think your gut feeling is the most important thing in choosing, stick with it and ignore them. (I'm not opposed to private, btw, the DSs are going there for secondary). Primary school is about so many things and a supportive parent at home can make up for anything. Don't regret our choice at all.

I really wpouldnt sorry about it for Primary, but keep your options open for Secondary school where you would be much more likely to need to get out if the state system (not saying you WILL need to, but as someone else said, Primary is much more about the bigger picture than just the school

I'd also point out, if they're stretching themselves, they may make it so they can't afford to send their children to uni (esp with all this talk of 7k a year tuition fees etc).

I would curtly say, "well it can't be that great a school if DH ended up not earning enough to send his own children there" and leave it at that.

I promise you they won't bring it up again.

Lynette :-)

I am still open to the idea of sending the boys to a private secondary school if finances allow and we are still living here where the primary schools are good but secondary not so hot. Perhaps our finances may be different by then.

I loved my school, so did DH but neither of us were shining lights!

The most surprising part to me is that SIL is a teacher in a state secondary school!

You can quote my and my SIL as examples if you like. Ds and Dn are only ten days difference in age and now 21. Ds went to the local mainstream schools and I was a SAHM and we provided lots of encouragement and support. Ds got 4 A grade A2 levels and an offer to study maths at Cambridge (declined but that's another story)
Dn went to private school from 3 SIL had to go back to work and he didn't get the activities he would have because of financing private school. He left Lincoln Minster school with two grade D A2 levels and went on an Apprenticeship and is still there earning next to nothing. Ds has a management role in Local Government and is tipped for the top.Private school isn't the only path to success indeed my ds isn't unusual and his sister will be doing just the same next year

I think you need to change your approach! This is not a choice for you to justify and you don't need "ammo"!

My three dcs are at a lovely school, we can comfortably afford it, and I'm happy with the choice. BUT we have friends at the school who are struggling terribly (financially) and in their shoes I wouldn't hesitate to pull mine out. Financial worries put a family under terrible strain, and believe me children can and do sense that worry.

If you've found a village school that you're happy with, then why be bullied into something else?

Well just ignore them unless they are planning to pay the fees.

I wonder if your SIL, realising what a stretch it is for her is terified at the idea that you might save the money and your kids will come out of it fine!

I could afford to send the DC to a private school but they are at a lovely state primary and we will reassess for secondary school.

Your SIL is not being responsible with her finances, whereas you are.

Agree with everyone else - your ILs are loons. If your SIL is seriously using credit to finance private education then she is insane.

Your dcs will be fine!!

They are being ridiculous to try and inflicttheir views upon you.

You should chose a school that suits you, your children and your family. Itis no one elses business.

But please don't be as pathetic as she is by defining your choice in terms of slagging off private schools or the children that go there.

Two of mine are in private, one is state - and they are all very nice, very well supported and very happy.

If they feel that they can make you as aggressive as they are about every issue then they will. Just dismiss their comments and change the subject. I would laugh at them gently in a 'goodness it is quite a while until we make these choices - do you really not have anything else to worry about?' kind of way

Just think what you could do with the money you save, and how you could spend that to enhance your children's lives. great holidays, eductional day trips out, extra curricular activities etc etc.