Worried about DD in new school/class

[SAHDUK]

I am new to the site and am a SAHD, but run my own business when our DD is at school.

We recently moved to the area Aug 09, and our DD started in Recpetion at the local Primary School in Sept 09. Unfortunately, the level of teacher input was disappointing, class sizes large and there was 4 children with SEN who required the teachers/assistants time.

We made the decision to move her to one of the two local Independent Schools in April of this year. We are not wealthy people, probaly better described as comfortable. My DW and I both Drive cars >6 yrs old. There is a mix of wealth of parents sending there children there, so we dont feel she is out of place. The school is great and our DD seems to have settled in well.

Anyway, our concerns stem from a comment made by another parent to my DW at a childrens party this weekend. She described our DD as "more steetwise" than the other children in the class. My DW took this as meaning confident and agreed, saying it wasnt a bad thing for her to be.

This other mother then went onto say that Amelia had pinched her daughter, which is out of character for her. My DW gave a rather unhelpful reply in the "she wouldnt have done it unless provoked!".

On investigaion in the evening after the party, it turns out the other child has taken a dislike to our DD and pushes in front of her, nudges her arm whilst doing group work on the carpet and i generally annoying our DD. So in retaliation, our DD pinched her arm to sign enough was enough, not that I agree with this!

The problem is that this other girl is quite popular with the other children in the class (its a small class of 11 children including DD) and at break times excludes DD from games or from playing with the others!

What should we do? Mention it to the teacher or just see how it goes. My worry is that we took her from a poor performing school where she had a number of friends to a good performing school, where she may be lonely.

She is generally happy after school and is always keen to go in the mornings.

She'll get used to the situation and soon start to make friends....pinching the current top dog will not help the situation though!

I suggest she apologises to the girl for pinching her.

Can you invite some of them round to play so she gets to know them better?(including the girl she pinched)

Scurryfunge, thanks for your reply. I seems I may be worrying over nothing really. I hate to think of her being lonely and left out at break times!

I totally agree with you, I never advocate retaliation! I suggested, if possible, she move away from the girl and if she cant and the girl is annoying her then to quietly raise her hand and let the teacher know.

She has apologised for her behaviour, which is only right.

Unfortunately, the school draws from a large catchment area. Whilst we live close to the school (5 miles), the then nearest classmate is another 4 miles away. We have invited a few class friends over, ut none have been able to accept yet. The girls she pinched lives the furthest from the school and may be the least able to come over.

It will get better over time and friendships will naturally develop. She made friends previously so there is no reason for her not to be able to do so again.

The 'top dog' can also be the most manipulative child. Your dd is sticking up for herself in her own way. I'd speak to the teacher just to let her know what the other mother said to your wife and voice your concern that perhaps this child is now excluding your dd. Friendship groups change alot in the infant years.

overthinking every classroom squabble and throwaway remark from other parents is the route to extreme insanity IMVHO. Talking to the teacher about every little pinch, squabble and breakup will mark you down as the awkward squad. If your daughter has got social issues in the class then I am sure you will have heard about it by now so I would really just treat it fairly lightly with your daughter and leave it until the next parents evening when you can throw in a comment like "Is DD getting on OK with everyone - who does she play with most at playtime" etc etc. Your DW will soon find out who to avoid at coffee mornings

FranSanDisco

I hear what you say about being manipulative.

In conversation with DD about this during a craft session on Sunday evening, I explained to her she should tell her teacher. She replied that she had tried this and this girl just denied she had done anything!

I also witnessed this girl "in action" two weekends ago at yet another b'day party! There were 4 of them on the enclosed trampoline, my DD, this Girl & her toddler sister and the birthday girl. My DD was on the other side of the trampoline (8ft) and this girls was arching over her little sister bouncing her, which the little girl wasnt enjoying. The toddler started to cry and this girl came out with my dd "made her cry by bouncing next to her!!!" When I challenged her as I had been stood watching, she was insistent that my DD had been involved yet I know she hadnt, so yes she is v manipulative.

I just wished it had been me at the party this weekend when the "streetwise" comment was made! I am quite good at psychology and would have challenged her on exactly what she meant by that! It is not that we are common nor live or have lived in poor/rough areas!! To say I was livid was an understatement!!!

willali, thanks for your supportive message.

Only thing is that its not DW that does the coffee mornings, its me as I am a SAHD!!! I also have the joys of the school-gate politics LOL

and SAHD remember you have YEARS of this to go and girls being girls you will have a LOT of this sort of thing to look forward to. AND don't get me started on the parents Your DW should take my DH's position which is one of complete detatchment and only occaisional forays into the school world - saves a lot of hassle!!

But again - being "livid" at this womans comment is IMO a waste of your emotional energy and whilst I can understand your wish to put her straight you really do need to learn to suck this type of stuff up - it will progress to the following kinds of questions/comments - what reading stage, what school team, what musical instrument, where are you going on holiday etc etc all in an attempt to signify THEIR superiority through the accomplishments or otherwise of their child(ren). And there I was trying not to get on the subject of the PArents ha ha

LOL @ willali

Can't agree more, I think I have a lot to learn.

We have already had the reading stage conversation, trying to show their superiority! DDs school is very into riding and just last week I had the "oh isn't DD riding this term?". I just laughed and said not at the moment, if she progresses well then she may do in the future! It really is about one-up-man-ship in these situations and quite honestly, I have too busy a life to get involved. I overheard the mother of said girl discussing the benefits of owning a horse and having it stabled at the school over renting one!!

As both my mum and gran would have said "more money than sense", and she is not that popular with the other parents!

I think you are going to have to go out of your way to befriend other parents, TBH. Does your DD have a birthday soon?

One of the downsides of small classes (and, don't get me wrong, I think there are more upsides - my DS is in a similar sized class) is that 'cliques' can have a big effect.

Sorry, but I don't think your DW helped your DD's cause very much - there could have been more tactful ways of saying (in effect) the same thing.

What is the balance of boys and girls in the class?

"overthinking every classroom squabble and throwaway remark from other parents is the route to extreme insanity IMVHO"

• oh yes, definitely! However, if they are an established group and your DD is the "incomer" then, IMHO, you may have to do some social engineering to get her well established before you then leave her to work it out for herself!

hello OP!

We are in a similar situation, in that we moved my DD to a different in school about 4 weeks ago. Slightly different in that she is in a class of 30 but similar in that she is in reception and used to a class of 60, so less children to pick friends from and gone from being super popular to the new girl on the block!

I know how worried you must be about her settling in, as I am/was. My DD came home in her second week saying that a group of girls said "oh no it's her, run away" and "go away and leave us alone, we don't like you".

Although it does hurt/worry me, I know it's just something she'll work through. Already in her fourth week she seems to have made loads of friends and hasn't mentioned these sorts of things anymore. It's worth talking to the teacher in generic terms, along the lines of "how is she settling in", just so that they keep a good eye on things and give you their take on things.

Good luck!!!!

@stealthsquiggle
Yes she has a B'day soon and we are arranging a party for her, so that should help with things.

The ratio in the class is 3 boys and 8 girls!!

@emy72
Blimey 60 children in a class!! How does/can that work??

Thank you for your kind words. Our DD has come home saying similar things and it breaks my heart to think of her being shunned! Maybe Im being too sensitive and should let her work through it, but be there to support her if she needs to talk about it.

She gets on well with older children at the school and they encourage the pastoral side of forming relationships with older children and older with younger. It's just I wish she had one or two real friends within the class, ut I suppose that takes time and I/we need to be patient!

With 8 girls she at least has a fighting chance. DS's class of 11 (to start with) only had 2 girls - the 3rd girl to arrive had an uphill struggle (especially as she had some issues, and was a very different personality to the other 2) and girls 4 and 5 as the year group has grown have also found it hard to "break in"

So now you merely(!) have to negotiate the social minefield of making your DD's party special and memorable without being judged (by the other parents, the children don't give a damn) as too "flashy", "downmarket" or "snobby". Good Luck with that one.

(and PMSL at the riding - how old are they?! DS's school has ponies and riding at school but not until they are 8/9)

To the OP - at the old school there were 2 classes of 30, however they were in an open plan space and taught together, so in effect she was in a class of 60 children with 2 teachers and 2 TAs.....not sure it works tbh

LOL @ stealthsquiggle

They are only just turning 5 now, and yes some are very good at riding (apparently). It was one thing that worried us when we visitied the school, but we were assured only about 40% of the school rode and of them only 20% owned the horses, the rest were the schools (around 30 horses). She would love to ride, but we feel it more important she learn to be a confident swimmer before taking on horse riding!

Yes the social minefield of parties!! Luckily there have been 4 this month so far that she has been invited to, so we know the norms now!! I dont think I will be shopping at Lidl's for it LOL

I think we will be fine as DD wants a craft party on a Princess and Pirates theme, so dressing up, arts and crafts and plenty of games. No alcohol for the parents (as that would be 1. irresponsible and 2. seen as trying to e showy), we will stick to soft drinks and I will keep DW and the girls mother at separate ends of the garden!!

@emy72 Thats sounds like a handful for 2 teachers and 2 TAs!