Can someone advise me on what to do with my 5yo who says he's being teased and hit...?

[DavidHameron]

He is unhappy about going to school and says one boy in particular (who he 'plays' with a lot but there's a bit of a love/hate relationship there...) is hitting him and teasing him about his clothes not being right etc..

We have spoken to the teacher about this on numerous occasions. It seems to be happening at lunchtimes however, when the children are not supervised by teachers but TAs.

I resolutely do not believe in telling children to hit back (and would appreciate NOT getting that advice, since I think such parental attitudes contribute to this kind of behaviour in the first place.)

We heard the boy in question - on an occasion when we were in school to discuss it - run up to the TA and say 'my dad told me if [my son] hits me, I'm to hit him back...'. On another occasion in the after school club, my DH walked in to find the assistant removing said boy from the class saying he had just punched our son in the face in an entirely unprovoked attack...

Now. I know my son is no angel, but he is not smacked at home and we try to encourage him to be kind and deal with his own frustrations in constructive ways. He is shy, and jealous, and sometimes lacks self-esteem. He doesn't have a 'best friend' as such and crumples into tears a lot. We're trying to work on this stuff but I also know he can be antagonistic and wind others up. I have no doubt originally it was a 'six of one, half a dozen of the other' situation. I never assume something is entirely the other kid's fault.

But now it is becoming a sustained problem and I think my son is beginning to hate school. And I have to be the one believing him, don't I, because nobody else will?

So what can we do? I will ask the school for more intervention, but what can I expect in Reception class? And what can I do to help my son stand up to this and feel better about himself?

Any good resources for this age of child?

Thanks in anticipation.

There were problems with spitting and pinching in DD's class, but the principle is the same, things that have worked with mine who are similar age are: to ask the hitting child "would you like it if I hit you?" so they learn about empathy. If it's just one boy you could try "I don't like hitting, I'm not playing with you if you do that I'm going to play with X".

Thanks - you mean teach my son to say stuff like this presumably rather than me intervening directly? Although sometimes I do feel like it...

I do see the boy's mother sometimes and I have wondered about talking to her about it; although she will presumably have a different view about what is going on! Perhaps that isn't a good idea...

yes exactly, my aim is to give them the tools to sort things out for themselves and gain respect. I'm always very careful to be positive and show them they have lots of friendship options not just this one boy. So far fingers crossed it's working.

Last year my daughter's reception class had some similar problems involving around 4 children.
I encouraged my DD (I admit she is quite indepedant and confident) to just say to the other children I don't like you hitting/pinching I am not going to play with you. I also encouraged her to report every incident she was either involved in or witness to a member of staff, figuring that the more they are told the more likely something is to be done. I understand that this is easier for a confident child to do.
In our classes case there was a winter born child who was verbally bullying a summer born child. The summer born child was then retailiating in the only way they felt they could. The summer born childs parents were really good and worked with their child. The winter born parents refused to see that what their child had done was worng and ultimatly removed their child from the school beliving that child was the victim. However, the grapevine tells us that the same problems are occruing at the new school.

The rule taught to all children at dcs primary was "you must tell a teacher if anyone is being hurt or frightened". This worked well.

I think this is the rule at our school to, and we certainly reinforce it. But it doesn't seem to be making much difference right now...

We had a similar problem in Year 2. It ran on until Secondary school and I consider myself an expert because I dealt with it so badly.

1. Bullying DOES go on amongst young children. Particularly amongst friends. They get involved in patterns of dysfunctional behaviour that they don't know how to get out of.

1. Ensure the school know about your concerns and how it is affecting your child. Ask for progress reports on how they are managing the situation, and give them progress reports on how son is feeling.

1. Give son verbal tools to get out of situations - eg 'I don't like it when you say/do that to me. I'm going to play with someone else.' It also re enforces standards of behaviour with your son.

1. Don't try and tackle it with the mum, especially if she is a friend. It makes it all so messy. (My biggest mistake.) Its happening at school - its a school issue.

1. Encourage other positive friendships - people round to tea etc.

Good luck.

We have had a similar problem with our DS in preschool and again in year 1, with the same boy. I was told by pre-school that he punched every boy when he started and kept on hitting the ones who didn't hit back. Lovely.

We thought we had it sorted then it started again in Year 1. On the third occasion we decided to write to the school, putting down all our concerns. DH composed it as I have little tact and even less when my son is being bullied.

A letter to the school helped enormously and it was sorted straightaway.

We do encourage not playing with a child if they are being grumpy or horrid and going to play with someone else, but it can be hard. Especially if the boy in question isn't playing with your child, just spying an opportunity when there are no adults around.

The last thing I would do is talk to the parents, you'll be seeing them for many more years at the school gate and you don't want to be the gossip of the school if you get drawn into a row.

How many Reception classes are there at your school. If there are more than one you could ask for him to be moved.

Only one - it's a very small school.

I think I will work on getting the school to manage their lunchtime supervision better and encouraging my son not to play with this boy if he's getting harrassed.

It is hard though because I can't get him to talk much about what goes on at school - he just says 'I don't know' to lots of things, or makes things up! I know he isn't making this up though (his made up stuff usually involves purple unicorns etc...)

Very difficult - you could be describing the situation we have with our DS (Yr1). The love/hate friendship, low self-esteem, crumpling into tears.

I have had lots of playdates with other classmates, that go really well...but then back at school, everyone seems to revert back to their friendship groups - and as you say, a lot happens at playtime, not observed by the teacher.

Afraid no suggestions, only a lot of sympathy and empathy...

You mentioned working on your DS's self-esteem and self-confidence: any tips would be gratefully received.

We had a lot of problems like this with our DS1 who is a gentle soul and we told him,like you to tell the teacher. The teacher will take action a couple of times and then loses interest.We tried (the most stupid thing of all) getting him to tell the bully 'I don't like it when you do that' -well duh why do you think the bully does it!!!At the end of the day hitting back hard was the only thing that worked.You might not agree with it but unfortunately it is not you that has to put up with the bullying, it is your poor son.Your DS will be picked on whilst he is perceived as being weak !
DS2 has always hit back and never had any problems at all.

I have to agree with oldandgreynow. My brother was badly bullied at primary school for a long long time and just took it. My mum had tried everything, speaking to teacher, even said bully's mum but nothing worked. One day my brother had enough and flipped and boy did they get it! After that the bullying stopped. If it were my son, I'd be in everyday until the issue was resolved. Have u spoken to the head? The childs parents?