primary/pre-school SENCOs/teachers- does this procedure sound ok?

[puffling]

Apologies bit long.

DD is in the pre-school at her local school full time, in uniform and in a class that's mixed with reception children.

Her form teacher recently asked to meet with me to discuss some issues. We had the meeting there and then so bit impromptu, and i wasn't prepared for it.
She said that she and other teachers/teaching assistants had noticed that dd didn't have awide friendship circle. She has 1 good friend and sort of plays alongside some others.
She's not too good at sharing. When teachers speak to her she often won't look at them or reply.

She asked foranything esle I could add to give a broader picture. I did this but didn't feel I could quite gather my thoughts as meeting was unexpected. She asked if it was OK to involve the SENCO saying that she's no expert in CHild Development and the SENCO could give advice. She asked for some names of children that she could kind of attach dd to and told me that dd would have amore structured day from now on. I wholeheartedly agreed with all these suggestions. I know myself that dd can be shy, socially anxious, appear awkward etc. and help to make her day happier is fine by me.

The next day after discussing with dp, I asked if we could both meet with her and the SENCO. The teacher said that yes, we could but she was filling in a form for the SENCO and that we could meet when she'd read it.
I then heard nothing for a couple of weeks. Today i asked what the time scale would be till meeting with SENCO. The form teacher told me that the SENCO would be sending off a
questionnaire to 'the people who deal with these things' and that I would have to wait till after the school holidays for feedback. I was too stunned to formulate a reply at that moment.
How can asking if I'd mind her getting some advice from the SENCO turn into some sort of assessment involving an outside agency? And why have I not been involved in the process?
I'm starting to feel sick about the thought of dd being labelled when still in pre-school with diagnoses made about her without a full knowledge of how she is.

Am I over reacting?
I'm guessing the mystery person is an ed. psych.
I want to take this up with the school. Should I, and if so who, the form teacher, the SENCO, the head of EYFS, or the Head Teacher?

Thanks so much for reading.

Yes phone tomorrow and ask to know who she is being referred to. School have a duty to involve/inform parents. On the other hand try not to worry as it will probably all be fine and school are just being thorough but should have informed you. SENCO sounds a bit crap for not getting back to you.

An early year's teacher who isn't an expert in child development? I'd be surprised if the average SENCO is an expert either.

How old is your DD?

Strange that the teacher said that, "she is no expert in child development" because it is difficult to be a good Early Years Teacher (or even teacher) without knowing something about Child Development!

Your daughters behaviour sounds completely normal for a 3-4 yr old IMO. It is a develpmental stage to go from playing alongside others, to actually playing with others.
In comparison to the Reception children, your DD's behaviour is probably much more noticable and less mature in many ways due to the age gap between her & her peers.

Dpnt worry about her being "labelled" they have picked up a concern and may or may not act on it. I imagine at this stage tehy will just monitor her.

Thanks for your replies. Will try not to stress.

DD was 4 in March.

Given how difficult it is even for parents to get "labels" even for children with very definite SN, I wouldn't worry too much. Chances are, if you actually get as far as an appointment with an ed.psych. (not necessarily easy), they will suggest waiting a little longer and evaluating her again in a year or two. These people are busy and there are far more children out there with SN than there are resources to deal with them.

I agree with yomojo on this. Your DD's behaviour does sound completely normal. I would go with your gut instincts - if you think something is wrong i would see your GP stating teacher's concerns and request a review with a Community Paed (who will be an expert on this).

The paed will write to the school with the results of his assessment either way. If he/she feels that your DD does require an assessment then it will carry extra weight for this to be undertaken. ( I write as a mother of a SN child (we knew she had issues)). As Cory says appointments with ed psyche's are extremely hard to come by and their reports can be dismissive of children's issues.

Please be assured that if you had not had real concerns for your DD then it may be that she has no issues. There is a teacher in the nursery attached to my DD's and DS's school who refers a high proportion of the children for an assessment with a paed. The only children who have had any form of SN were those whose parents were already aware. Children develop at different rates and shyness does seem to account for your DD's behaviour. Good luck!

PS Forgot to ask if your DD acts like this at home? If not I definitely not worry. However, if you are worried look at the Special Needs section on MN - it has a list of traits for autism (if that is what they are referring to). It will probably put your mind at rest.

I'm shocked at my DS's school always has to get my written permission before they can refer him.

Thanks all for your really useful advice. I asked the form teacher today to tell me what the form was and who it had been sent to. She said it was very low level, not as in depth as a CAF and it was an ed. psych. it had been sent to. I complained that this had been done without my permission but said that I appreciated that they wanted to find ways to support dd.
I am convinced the issue is not autism. She plays so imaginatively, she plays with children v. happily outside school, with cousins etc. If anything, I think she reads situations too well, she ends up thinking too much therefore getting anxious.

Thanks again for advice, will keep you posted.

From what you have said it really sounds as if your DD is a normal happy little girl so i really wouldn't worry. If anything she sounds socially advanced and is therefore more aware than others her age of what is going on around her. Could i suggest that you video your DD playing with cousins, for example, so that you can demonstrate her behaviour at home?

A friend of mine did this when she was approached with the same issues. If anything her DD was also advanced for her years. My friend's nursery were amazed at the video and realised that she was merely shy. Save to say the nursery very quickly dropped their concerns and made an extra effort with her DD to try to bring her out of her shell.