"Different" son being bullied?

[mugwump71]

My son in 7 tomorrow. He is what I would describe as highly individual. Aren't they all? He is causing problems at school as he finds it difficult to concentrate, form good friendships, and generally have consistently good behaviour. Yesterday he got himself in such a strop he walked out of the classroom (he'd simply been told to stop dropping pens etc off the table) and for some reason he urinated on the floor of the toilet. This is clearly unacceptable and wierd behaviour. We eventually got him to reason that it was to get back at some boys who had been bullying him as they would have to walk through the mess. He is highly articulate, creative, imaginative, knows a lot about science (he likes KS3 science books read to him, reads well, writes badly and reluctantly. He can be perfectly normal, caring and kind, but in a formal setting he doesn't cope well with having to do what he has to to succeed at school. We are having a meeting with his form teacher and headmistress tomorrow. I think they may be wanting to get him put into some category so they can cook the books for the SAT's. I just want to get him some support and get them to check on the bullying situation (every break seems to involve "battling" which he thinks about strategies for even on holiday). ADHD ( which I have always thought covers too broad a range of problems) doesn't seem to fit him, he's a delight to take for a formal meal in a restaurant. Asperger's has been mentioned and when we researched it we found that his 2 scientist parents were more likely to have it than him. He empathises with people fine. Just no good and controlling his behaviour and thinking about consequences until after the event. I've got him in after school club twice a week and after a few teething problems he is getting on great there. I'm feeling really depressed about his future right now, I don't want him to waste all his intellect and his short time at school. Any suggestions? Thanks so much.

If you're dismissing any idea that the school has his best interests at heart, shy away from diagnostic labels that might be the key to helping him and prefer to solicit thoughts from strangers on the internet who don't know him...
What would you like the answer to be?

It seems like there are a couple of different issues you will need to discuss with the school.

The first is the bullying, obviously. They should have a bullying strategy, and be willing to work on this. It may also be that there are communications issues here, and that your ds sometimes feels he is being bullied when there is no such intention. In either case the situation clearly needs dealing with.

The second is disruptiveness in the classroom. This is should involve specific strategies for when he gets stressed or finds it difficult to concentrate. Would it be a good thing to let him have a get-out card if he feels he needs to get away from the classroom and a safe place for him to go to?

The third is how to help your ds handle being told off by teachers. Clearly a teacher will need to do something about low level disruption like pen dropping, for the sake of the other pupils. So you all need to work out strategies for teachers to deal with disciplining in a way that is appropriate for your ds. Even if he doesn't have a diagnosis, it would seem a good idea to get the SENCO involved.

The way I look at it myself as a parent of two children with SN is you can go one of two ways:

either you resist a label and then you accept that your ds is treated exactly like everybody else and gets punished exactly as any other child would get punished in that situation

or you try to get a diagnosis, try to get the SENCO involved, try to get him as much help as you can.

You cannot on the one hand tell them they mustn't label him and on the other hand expect them to treat them differently. My hunch in your case would be, go for the label.

I have no idea what 'cook the books for SATs' means - whatever a child needs are, their results would still count, even if their needs were so severe they coudn't access them, which clearly isn't the case for your son.

mug- he sounds very similar to my dd1, she is 6 and has Aspergers syndrome, she struggles to make friends and often gets bullied as she is not interested in the same things as most children her age, she loves science and loves talking about earth quakes and volcano's, her friends find her boring but the teachers find her interesting. Apart from her social problems she gets on well at school and enjoys school (not so keen on play times).

If i was you i would get the SENCO involved (like cory suggested).

Thank you. Yes of course you're right , I have to work with the system if he is to get the help he needs. There's definitely something wrong with the way he reacts in the school setting. I'll see what the head suggests for a way forward. If assessment and a statement is best for him and his schoolmates, then we'll give the school our full support of course. I'm in denial, and wishing that he was just the way he in on a good day all the time. But he isn't and it won't help anyone to pretend that.

I wouldn't dismiss ADHD offhand from what you read off the internet. I was an ADD (no H, more common in girls) child and could cope perfectly well at nice restaurants, hold long conversations, etc!

Anyways, from my perspective as a TA, I think it is most important to work with the school as early as possible. If he doesn't already have an IEP, he can get one, and he may get one-to-one time or small group work (social skills, for example) as a result.

Mine is heading towards excellent GCSEs at 15, his ASD label was a key to unlocking best provision and reasonable accommodation. Without it, I doubt he'd still be in mainstream.
That's with my parent hat on.
With my teacher's hat on, I'd neither work or have my children in a school I thought put results over the needs of the child. Plus it's almost impossible to get a child disallowed now.
So my vote is on working with the school, reading and researching possibilities with an open mind and getting positively proactive about useful strategies. Try and stay clear-sighted about any observations and discoveries, and good luck.

It is hard when you first have to accept that your child needs extra help . But I think you will be glad afterwards that you did get him help.

Thanks again. We'll see how it goes tomorrow.

My reason for my comment about the SAT's is my husband has been working in the education system for 17 years and he got advice from the Special needs co-ordinator (called Curriculum support now), describing how our son behaves in various situations. He (hubby)has worked with several children with asperger's and adhd, and he doesn't see how our son fits either. However we are going to find out where he does fit best and how to deal with it. Onwards and upwards. Cheers again. You know how it is when you just need to see what other people think. Good advice. Ta.

Hi mugwump,

you responded very positively to those critical remarks, hats off to you.

you've got to somehow empower the team he has at school ie the teachers, TAs and head to "tune in" and help him. unless you home-ed, that's what you've got to do. find out what they need. Would insights from you be enough? It's not sounding like it or you'd already have done it. Do they want you to go through a formal assessment? Why? good reason? might get some one to one? might be able to make more adjustments? might get insights into the triggers from therapist or ed. psych? Those are all good reasons for you to press ahead with assessment and go for the help even if it has a label tied round it that you're sceptical of.

But don't put yourself down. It's ok to be highly sceptical about how Aspergers is defined - that's not "denial". I would say it's no more than being intellectually responsible in fact, since this is a diagnosis that is going to be abolished soon.... but accepting a label is the lesser of two evils right now.

Hi Mug - I fully understand your reluctance to label your ds, but (as several others have said) within our education system, it is the only way to get him the specialist help he may need. It doesn't change who he is, but may change how well he does. You mention that he writes badly and reluctantly - is there any chance that he is dyspraxic? Just a thought ...

As your husband has worked in the education system he will be aware that it is extremely difficult to get a diagnosis of ASD or ADHD for children with these conditions so he shouldn't be concerned that the school can obtain a misdiagnosis

OP, from your first post, I would not be at all surprised if your ds will indeed be labelled as Aspergers. IMO, it is always better to have a diagnosis, however hard it is to hear. Good luck