child STILL unhappy at school

[MeltedFlumps]

DD started reception in September 2008. Was hysterically upset for the best part of a term and then settled into crying first thing in the morning but then being OK as soon as I dropped her off. For the last term of reception seemed ok.

So after the long summer holiday into Year 1 it started again and we had a few very upset weeks. Settled much more quickly into a general pattern of sometimes ok and sometimes a bit tearful but mostly calming down as soon as she went into class.

Since about Feb she has gone back from a bit upset to now being hysterical in the mornings again when I leave her - to the point of making herself sick. Calms down everntually but is then grumpy and withdrawn at school and also at home she is really grumpy and anxious too.

School are adamant that there is no particular reason for it, and she says the same - she just misses me, that's all. Has brother there who who would know if there was a major issue that everyone was missing ( it is a tiny school btw) so there isn't an obvious issue that I can barge in and fix.

So what do we do?

School are basically not doing anything - they say this is effectively attention seeking behaviour and are saying it is a way of being naughty so they will not pander to it and if she carries on crying during the day then they will put her in the naughty corner like they would for any other naughty child. I see where they are coming from ,but it seems cruel, and also seems like nobody is actually trying to help her get over it, just telling her to stop it.

Any thoughts - it is just a total nightmare every day now.

Is another school an option ? Or maybe home ed for the rest of this term and try again with school in September ?

TBH I really don't want to do that - it is a fabulous school, and I think she does need to just get over whatever this is and settle in. She is 6 now and has been there for almost 2 years. I think she would be so thrilled to bits to be at home that she would never settle into school again!

Moving her would be impossible anyway because she has a physical disability and not everywhere is set up for that.

in that case could you take her in earlier or later. Maybe it is the busy atmosphere of every one starting the day that unsettles her ?

That's a very good idea actually - waiting in the playground with her screaming doesn't help at all, and probably just builds up anticipation. I might ask if I can take her in a bit later.

(Home time isn't a problem, and she bounds out very perky!)

change school

I would ask her what it is about school that she finds so upsetting and then try to work on helping her deal with that. Does she have class friends that you could invite home?

you mention that the school say if she carries on crying they'd treat it as attention seeking behaviour. Does this mean that she doesn't cry, the concern is she's grumpy at school and then after at home?

If she's not really distressed once she realises you've gone, would a positive behaviour reward chart work? I know its not so easy as an adult to switch on and off emotion and the pain of sending them in screaming stays with you all day.

Could you agree a set of targets that grow, some of which she may well already do, like hanging own coat on peg, answering register( if they do it), smiling to mum and walking out nicely at home time, then adding stages for leaving you in the morning. Maybe the teacher would work with you and put the stickers on the chart each day that are relevant and send the chart home.

If she has been grumpy since she started school its almost habitual behaviour, which is I guess your concern and anythings got to be worth a try to break the cycle.

Thanks for your comments.

The thing is, it isn't that there is something about school that she doesn't like. She loves it. She is really popular and has lots of friends and we have playdates in the holidays which have always gone really well. The problem is that she says she misses me and wants me to be with her - she worries when I am not there.

I think there may be something in the suggestion that it is virtually a habit she has got into for no good reason.

We've agreed that we will go straight into class in the mornings to avoid the hanging around fretting in the playground bit, so that moght limit the build up of anxiety in the first place.

Will also have a think now about some sort of reward strategy to soften things a bot because the school are just basically telling her off for being naughty and crying so much, and that isn't helping.

Could you give her some object to remind her of you? Or my kids used to give me some toy of theirs so I wouldn't forget them when I went out?

You need to break the habit, so talk to the teachers about a totally different routine. Is there a TA who could greet her and take her in? Another parent who would do this? A different entrace or time? Could she go in with a friend?

Make sure she really is happy during the day. Is there somewhere you could observe unseen? Could a trusted friend go and help and report back to you? (My own DD has complained for sometme she has no friends, her teacher has constantly reassured me, today she was obsered by a student teacher who noticed she is by herself at break times. I had told them just last night, so they were obviously checking.)

For your DC I would definitely suggest some kind of rewards scheme for going in. A smiley book, one smiley for going in, another for no fuss. Pick up on the positive and gie her praise and rewards (hair bands, small toys etc.).

Good luck.

Sorry, I would change schools.

mummytime basically wrote everything I was going to say! DS2 cried EVERY day in reception and half way through Y1 - the same kind of thing, nothing wrong at school but he said he missed me and worried when I wasn't there. The morning I crashed the car leaving school as I was so stressed by the whole thing was when I decided it had to stop.

We did the transitional object thing - DS2 and I went to the shops together, spent a long time choosing a "special bear" that I would "fill up" with cuddles in the morning and which he could keep with him during the day. Over the time he left it in his drawer, finally it stayed in his bag (he's 11 now and bear still sleeps on his bed!). Instead of walking him into the classroom, I dropped him off at the gate (there were staff at a "kiss and drop" place) so stopped prolonging the agony. Finally there were rewards for going a week without tears - if he cried one day he was back to zero and had to go 5 consecutive days before he got his reward. Although he kept his bear with him for a long time, the tears actually stopped pretty quickly. Sometimes we get ourselves into a rut and need help getting out. I do think the school is being horrible in treating your child as naughty though! Telling her to stop obviously doens't work, they should be helping her work out how.

Thanks everyone. SunnyD I can totally sympathise with the car crashing incident - every morning I leave her in such a state of being cross and upset that I am a shambles really.

School are fine with her just going straight into class a bit after everyone else so that is a start definitely.

I love the idea of giving her something to remind her of me, but I suspect that the school will object in case she sits there fiddling all day.

Mummytime I am going to ask aboug going in and observing because the longer this goes on the more I can't help wondering if there is actually a problem that she can't articulate and that the teacher isn't spotting.

TA greeting her is a very sore subject. Because of her SN she has a 121 TA anyway and some days she is there to meet her in the morning and some days she isn't, and that is definitely something which is unsettling her. Quite understandably. I am going to collar the teacher this afternoon because the morning greet is something which they really ought to have worked out properly now.