the psychology of the yr 1 playground - help please

[ButterflyChild]

Hi, I know this is another one of these 'playground' threads, but I couldn't find the answer by searching. How do I help my dd(5) cope more maturely with this situation? Dd doesn't have the easiest life in the playground, she's not overtly charismatic, and can be immature, and sensitive, but she has a good heart and several friends.

Trying to befriend a new girl has met with overt rejection ("Go away") which dd hasn't really heeded. The new girl is very pretty and talented. She has been playing her way round the class in play time, as she establishes herself, and all the little'uns have been welcoming to her.

Obviously I am getting a lopsided account, further biassed by my rose tinting 'mummy glasses'. But this is what has happened; her approach is to separate my dd's friends from her. I saw this one morning at drop off so There is Something true in what my dd's told me. My dd's response was to cling mutely to my skirt as her friend was physically, no words, dragged away by the arm. Or the children have been encouraged to run from dd. Or dd is elbowed aside. Dd is only trying to be friendly.

What can I say or do to help her turn this around. What is the psychology at work here that it would help me to understand? What should I do or say? I'd hate to upset anyone, least of all new mum, or create a cliquey situation - I'm no bundle of charisma/painfully shy. Dd is begging me to change schools (no) and has a tummy ache all the time. Please help. Thanks

Ouch, that sounds painful, I'm sorry. Playgrounds, and Y1ers, can be tough to deal with.

My dd (now 6) had a hard time with a new girl who was scared and angry (spoke little English and had a sibling on the way), unfriendly etc. I would sympathize with how she's feeling, understand, and then give an idea of how the badly behaved new girl might have been feeling....I told dd that the new girl was probably scared and grumpy because she didn't have any friends of her own yet, and that people behaving badly are usually unhappy. I reassured her that eventually it would all settle down, and it did.

Perhaps you could have a word with your dd's teacher/TA, too - just ask them to keep an eye on dd as she's feeling shaky? You can do that without judging/blaming, just be matter of fact about it. They will know all about power play in Y1, its more or less when the competitive stuff kicks in!

I'd also let your dd know daily that you're on her side, give her lots of affirmation, maybe confide in her that sometimes you felt upset at school too but that it will get better - if she can ride it out, things should settle down soon.

Elibean
Thanks for your kind reply and advice, I had to let this out, I've been so sad about this. I'll talk to her teacher, in a very generic way, to ask her to remind the class of their promises.

I had an excuse to drive by the school this lunchtime, and spotted dd playing with another shy little girl who'd been experiencing similar treatment.

I also confided in two mums of her best friends, who I'm close to. They will ask their dds to play inclusively.

It's inevitable that the new girl will be both a novelty, but needs to assert herself, and to find friendship. I'm not blaming anyone. In fact I'm paranoid that her mum might be reading this, and be upset or angry! The children's issues will probably resolve long before any adult issue, if the latter arose, so I need to be so careful.

I really want from this for my dd to learn positive lessons that will help her mature emotionally, and to deal with these life issues effectively. I expect they'll be a recurring theme.

I'm also a tad worried about what the new girl says about dd. When she came to our house she said that she was bullied by older children. But a) at this school the class has their own playground, and b) I got the impression, through questionning, that she didn't really understand the concept. I still don't know whether to tell her mum that she said this, after all bullying is very serious, if it's happening. What should I do?

Well done you

I would stay well out of the bullying thing. If you see or hear something yourself, thats a different matter - but as I'm finding out, Y1 children are just at the, um, inventive stage and get things muddled up too! If it comes up again, I'd suggest she tells her own Mum (unless you're friends with the Mum, in which case you could mention it as per 'xxx said something about being bullied today, but hopefully she isn't, no older kids in her playground so...just thought I should mention it to you though!'.

Yes, your dd will move on faster than you can imagine, and things will change - as long as she feels supported and loved/affirmed at home, I bet she'll manage well

.