Transfer to secondary school

[Smerch]

Hi, I'm new but I've been watching and reading for some time now and you seem like a friendly helpful bunch (think I'll steer clear of Am I being Unreasonable for a while though!) so I've decided to take the plunge and register so I can ask for some advice. Please excuse any errors, I'm still getting used to all the terminology/acronyms.

DD1 (11) is due to start secondary school in September. She has been best friends with one girl throughout prmary school, lets call her A. In the last year or so A has become quite domineering and seems to want to stop DD playing with other children but will then find herself a new 'best friend', leaving DD out completely. DD is finding this very upsetting although doesn't show it outwardly at school, she tends to withdraw into herself. We're trying a number of strategies and things are slowly getting easier.

The problem I have is that the primary school have been asked to give the secondary a list of groups of friendships so they can try to keep them together when they put them into classes. By chance, DD and A were put into seperate classes and I was hoping this would be an ideal opportunity for DD to break away and make new friends separate from A (only about 20 going up from primary into a large secondary, approx 200 per year) but I found out today that A's mum who works at the primary school has asked the head to put some pressure on the secondary for DD and A to be kept together.

Has anyone had a similar experience? I'm not sure if I should speak to the head myself (parents and children are not meant to be involved in the decisions), speak to the secondary or just leave well alone and hope that there will be enough new children to encourage DD to branch out anyway? Help!

Gosh that was long. Hope I haven't sent you all to sleep with my first attempt at joining in

It probably won't matter either way. The great thing about starting secondary school is that the children can branch out with new friends and walk away from situations like this if they want to.

My daughter found year 6 quite difficult, for similar reasons, and I was glad that she wasn't placed in the same class a a particular girl; but having broken out of this close-knit group of children who'd known each other for years, and out of the increasingly boring environment of their small school, they all seem to be much happier and more settled this year (year 7).

If you're really worried, though, I would have thought that a quick word with the primary head to the effect that you don't want her/him to try to influence the placing of children (no names mentioned) would suffice. It's unlikely to have been sorted out yet.

Thanks lemonmeringue. I was leaning towards doing nothing, I've never been a helicopter type and don't want to start now! Will watch and wait and encourage DD to join clubs and things without this friend to help her branch out when she gets there.

Still interested in other experiences and opinions though.

As a Year 6 teacher, I would have a word, actually. Plenty of people do, is normal practice round here. The only thing you might want to bear in mind is that it might be your DD who is moved out of an otherwise nice group of mates into a form where she knows fewer people.
But my DD has recently started in Year 7 and has made a completely new set of friends in addition to the 3 she was put with from primary.

Smerch, given that the other mum has talked to the head, it seems perfectly reasonable for you to do likewise.

I'm a bit suprised that the secondary is actively trying to keep existing friendship groups - that makes it all the tougher for the kids who come to the school not knowing anyone. DDs secondary apparently simply splits them alphabetically.

How interesting that the primary had split these two girls. ( if I read it right ).

Clam - no issue with DD being moved, she gets on well with all the other kids and she agreed after initial reluctance that it might not be bad to be seperated from A.

GrimmaTheNome - A's mum works at the school (not as a teacher) so it's easier for her to influence things without looking pushy! I think the reason they ask about friendships is because there will be 200-250 kids in the year and the majority of those will be from 2 large feeder primaries, 20 kids going up from DD's class (small village primary) and a handful from elsewhere so they like to make sure all the kids have one friend as they'll be a minority in their new classes. Although my friend suggested today it wasn't about that at all, more to do with seperating disruptive elements.

RatherBeOnThePiste - I think that was genuine coincidence, A's mum told me the school identified a group of 4 (A, DD and 2 others) and they were separated into pairs.

Thanks. I'm all confused again now but it's helpful to hear a range of views.

I'm not sure that a head at a primary school can influence decisions at a secondary. I am a governor of a secondary school and you normally get contacted directly from the secondary school and as part of transition from one school to the other you will be asked to select a number of people who may be in your childs tutor group - there are normally no guarantees.

I would contact your secondary and let them know what you feel would be appropriate for your child. They will respond better to this than from the head teacher of the primary!

My experience of secondary school (I have 3 children) is that they very quickly make new friends and don't tend to stay with the friends they move up with from primary school. It is nice for them to have a freindly face but they soon get put into mixed sets and start spending time with new people and in our school only have a few lessons in their tutor groups. It is very common that the children they are friendly with at the beginning of year 7 are not the friends they have by the end of the year. This has happend with all 3 of my children.

hope that helps