DD is shy at school - what can I do ?

[cazza40]

My DD is 4 and in reception year. She is very bubbly and outgoing at home but is clearly struggling at school. Although she plays alongside and with other children she finds it hard to initiate play and the teacher has highlighted this as an issue because by the 2nd term she feels there should have been some progress. She has even suggested an educational psychologist to take a look ( which I think is ott)

At home she is different and is happy and keen to initiate play with her sister and other children on play dates.

She had quite bad glue ear which was only fixed in the summer and after speech therapy ( onging_) there has been a big improvement in her communication. However she did start school being young for the year ( a summer baby) and was communicating like a 3 year old in September.

Has anyone else had issues with shyness - how can I help her overcome it ?

Well, I think dd probably wins the prize for the shyest child ever.

When she started school (youngest in year) she just sat with her hands over her face. At playtimes she always held a teacher's or dinner lady's hand and cowered away from the other children. She didn't speak in class.

Fast forward to year 2. She has just been separated from her friends for TOO MUCH talking. I can't tell you how pleased I was to hear that!

She is still very shy with adults, even ones she knows, but the improvement at school has been huge.

I think some people are quick to label children, saying they've got this, that and the other. But the teachers assured me they'd seen it all before, and there are many different types of children and adults - some outgoing, some shy.

So my advice is give it time. She's only tiny and starting school is a huge step.

My DD is just the same. She's in reception and a summer birthday. She is very shy, takes a long time to get to know and trust people and was still just playing alongside children at pre-school. At the start of reception she wouldn't talk to the adults or children and her teacher told me how "very worried" she was abouot her. She seemed to think DD had some underlying issue as in Dec she referred her to speech and lang therapy.

In the meantime we have had lots of playdates and in class the TA does small group work with some children to help listening and communication skills (programme called Time to Talk, which your DDs teacher could maybe look into). Tjis has really help as DD now feels she has some good friends and does now play with them. And at parents evening on Wed her teacher says she now talks happily to teachers and smiles and joins in more (although we need more playdates to help the social skills).

So I think a combination of time and encouraging join in with others at school and at home has really help.

And BTW we finally has speech and lang appointment yesterday, therapist said she has no speech or lang issues and completed the test quicker than she'd seen - just a shy child!

Sorry that was so much longer then I meant it to be!

We also have a very shy July-born dd in reception (youngest in her class). Same issues and teacher did raise this at our last meeting and that we all need to help her i.e. teach her how to manage socially.

We have regular playdates with one child in particular which has helped a lot and have started some with some other children. She's fine one-one but lost in groups and never volunteers or speaks up in class.

It is raised at a young age as intervention (if there was an underlying difficulty)is known to work best early on. So rather than leaving it, there is no stigma to getting the situation checked out now. If its nothing to worry about then thats fab! If there is a underlying issue such as selective mutism, addressing it now is so much better and easier to sort out than trying to address it later on in an older child.

Have just had an upsetting parents eve where i was told that my (Jan born)DD still does not speak to or in front of other children and rarely speaks to the teacher. She does, however speak to the TAs. She has other friends she has grown up with and there is no problem with them - she plays just like a normal 5 year old. The teacher has said she is going to talk to the rest of the class about my dd to make sure that they don't get angry or upset about her behaviour. At the moment they are being very sweet with her but we are both worried that they will start to ignore her or worse. I have not tried play dates so far but have arranged one for next week and will just have to take the bull by the horns and invite her class mates round. I find this all very upsetting as this is what i was like at school and I hated it. my dd is, however, happy at school and plays alongside the others - she just doesn't speak to them!

I think this is quite a difficult one-on the one hand as wasupup3000 says its best to sort out any issues earlier rather than later but on the other hand reception children are very very young-the world is made up of all sorts of people and if we had a universe where evryone was uber confident it would truly be a terrible place.
I think parental instinct goes a long way here as to whether there is an underlying problem or not. I have 2 children-DS (5) with AS and dyspraxia and massive social and communication issues-he is however not in the slightest bit shy but just doesnt understand social behaviour. This is in total contrast to my DD who whilst incredibly articulate and able to socialise perfectly well at home utters not one word at pre-school.
On the surface their behaviour can seem similar (playing alongside peer group/lack of verbal contact) they are poles apart in terms of true socialisation...DS I worry nyself sick about...DD I know shyness is part of her inherent nature and whilst I dont want it to become an obstacle to her happiness at school, I just know there are no real "issues" just underlying personality.

Just read this back-not sure it makes any sense whatsoever!!!

DD was also shy in Reception - along with several other other girls in her class. Lots of them have just become more comfortable within the school environment. I believe too much of a thing is made of it - my dd had never heard the word shy applied to her till she started school and then once this label was applied she seemed to hide behind it and use it as an excuse.
She's in Year 2 now and although she's not the most outspoken confident child, she can hold her own. Our children are either shy and won't speak out in class or they never stops talking and are too bossy - from speaking to other mums, the teachers never seem happy - a "perfect" child walks a fine line!

It seems a bit premature to me to get a psychologist involved. My dd is very shy too and in Reception I don't think she played with anybody much, she used to sit and draw or play by herself. She's in Y2 now and has a small group of friends who are all very similar to her actually - shy, imaginative, creative, non-competitive. She'd still find it very hard to initiate play with a new group of people or even to ask if she could join in with them. But I think that's just her nature.

I was going to post about this, dd1 seems clueless about how to join in a group of children playing and stands at the sidelines. She told me at the weekend she hates lunch time at school because she spends it looking for a friend "and it's not a nice feeling" .

The other girls in her class are sweet to her but they all just get on with it and bundle in together. So no real advice to the OP but also hoping for advice from others on how to help her join in better

I'm another one with a shy dd in reception - youngest in the class. She is confident & loud at home but has always been quiet in social situations away from home. She found the move to school very hard & has struggled mixing. She is still quite shy with the teacher but is quite confident talking to the teaching assistants. Her teacher doesn't seem to see it as a problem which while reassuring also leaves me thinking that she's not being helped enough at school to come out of her shell.We have parents evening this week so will be interested to see what her teacher says.