DS in Reception year and struggling - not sure what problem is he is fine at home - advice?

[RainbowsandDaisies]

DS is 4 and in reception year. After about three weeks into Autumn term teacher said he was not settling - she said he was one of the more immature memebrs of group and could be a little silly. She also said he was bright and enquisative and asked a lot of questions without putting his hand up. He then seemed to settle and was doing really well. However, has been really unsettled suddenly for about the last month. She has written several notes in home school book about bad behaviour (fairly minor incidents but lots of them). I always follow up with discipline at home - have now removed a batch of loved toys and put them into cellar as was taken aside yet again - she said his behaviour has been 'manic and grumpy' this week. Don't know how to help him as he is delightful most of the time at home. Recent notes said he has 'hurt' a few other children and he is wetting himself almost daily at school. I am getting EXTREMELY upset as this is not like him - he has always been really gentle don't recall him every being aggressive or overly grumpy.He is actually a really gentle 'sunny' and loving boy but he is very sensitive think he may be anxious. Any advice? Any reception teachers out there? Thanks!

not a teacher but my daughter has just started in reception and i can't believe the change in her, i know how you feel.
do you think there could be something making him unhappy at school, another child? with the wetting himself is he confident about what to do when he need the loo, does he know where the loo is, is he unsure if he has to ask or can he just go on his own?

i know its impossible to get any info from a 4 year old, with our dd, if she has been upset that day we play what i did at school today with her dolls, it cant give you quite a bit of insight into what goes on

I think you need a proper meeting with your DS's teacher, it doesn't sounds as though the notes being sent home are helping resolve the problem.

It sounds to me like your DS's teacher is expecting too much of a four year old boy, if he is getting told off at sschool and then being furhter disciplined at home, then of course he is going to feel unhappy.
I would cut out the home punishments for poor beahviour at school.
School is school
Home is home.

I agree he is punished at school for school so he doesn't need to be punished again at home. You need to reinforce that he has listen to the teacher, follow the rules & "work hard" - but that's it IYSWIM.

Have a meeting with the teacher, he could just be unhappy and not coping and doesn't know how to express it? He may be finding the social side difficult and that is very important (IMHO) to being happy at school.

Poor you. Perhaps a meeting with the teacher AND the head? The teacher sounds a little inexperienced to me...

And agree to keep things 'lighter' at home (ie no massive punishments for school things)

Poor you - sounds a bit like my DS1's experience of reception, he was just 4 too. Basically I think that most 4 year old boys shouldn't be at school, especially with teachers who aren't particularly sypathetic to lively little boys (and before people shout yes I know, must reception teachers are lovely, but from bitter experience I know that not all are!).

If he's wetting himself at school he is either anxious or there is some practical issue. I've seen teachers get fed up with kids always off to the loo so they then try and limit visits with the inevitable results. Send spare clothes if you don't already and make sure he can go if he needs to (this might mean stressing that at break/lunch he MUST go to the loo before he does anything else).

You need a face to face with the teacher. Keep it polite and friendly (even if feel neither of those things) and try and agree some definite strategies to help your son. Constant notes home complaining about behaviour are no good unless there is some kind of action plan in place. Finally, go easy on him at home. I agree with others not to double up on punishments. Home needs to be his safe haven at the moment because life out there can be tough for a little kid!

this must be a worry for you.

I'm with others in thinking please don't discipline a 4-year-old for school stuff!

To me he sounds hideously tired (grumpy and manic sounds like exhausted to me) as well as struggling to concentrate all day.

TBH I would give him a day off tomorrow (strategic cold if you have to) and do lovely cuddly /fresh air/homely things. And I would do it again in a couple of weeks.

I'm sure you're also right that he may be anxious. It all sounds too much.

A tip I once had was to make statements about what might be happening at school - even with 4 year olds they sometimes respond - 'I wonder if x was at school today' or whatever. Helps get glimpses of what's going on.

Can you volunteer in some capacity at the school? Once a week or something? It might help him?

BTW - what time does he go to bed?
My friend's little boy was struggling to settle at school and the HV recommended moving his bedtime forwards to 6pm. It seemed extreme but did have a big positive impact on his behaviour at school. I think it's because they find school so exhausting and overwhelming that they suddenly need much more sleep than a 4yo pre-schooler.

Just a heads up that he is not even of compulsory education age until the term after his 5th birthday. If he's not ready for school yet he does not have to go. Take as many strategic cold days as he needs. Pull him out entirely if you like.

And after 5, if still not ready, you can perfectly legally educate him yourself (it's not rocket science...) till he is ready.

Personally, I'd be wanting my child to be happy to sit still and do quiet activities on someone else's agenda for an hour or two at a time before I'd be ready to put them in school. That, to me, would feel like setting them up for success. But I am a bit extreme that way

OOps hadn't finished! Thanks - all comments really useful and constructive. Realise that discipline at home is not helping at all - just felt teacher was laying it at my door but if anything acutally probably making him more anxious. Bed time is at 7 but may move it as he (and I) need rediculous amounts of sleep! Had meeting with teacher and head today as was met with more criticism and negative comments (which DS heard) as collected him "awful day - disruptive, very difficult etc." said I wanted a meeting she offered after school - rang head and he was happy to join. Teacher was not terribly forward in discussing strategies but head seemed more enlightened - he wants to see DS every week to give him praise as he felt DS is anxious. Can't help but feel teacher written him off as a "bad kid" as she said "I saw your mother struggling on way out of school other day it's not just me" This may be true as he can be difficult until he is off sight but didn't like the comment she was being defensive - but I am only there to help DS not judge her classroom management.

I would ask to see the head again, alone, I would point out to him that you are unhappy with what the teacher said in front of your ds. Ask the head what strategies you and the school can put in place to improve the situation.

I would be at the teacher!!!!!

Your DS sounds lovely, and his teacher sounds like a bit of a numpty

My DD1 is in Reception, and is also finding it quite difficult. The teacher has given her a home-school diary, and I have had about 3 meetings with her to discuss the strategies they are using to manage DD1's behaviour.

Giving DD1 her supper early, then early bath and bed with plenty of time for cuddles and a story, has helped too. It's bloody exhausting for such young children to be at school ft.

Your wee boy does sound overwhelmed and YOUNG.I had immature P1 child as well:all fine now though! However, the 'teacher'sounds awful. If you see the head,adopt a'charmingly confident and friendly'approach- BUT DONT APOLOGISE- it has to be clear YOU expect a a+ve not -ve strategies approach to this wee boy, instead of the almost bullying thus far seen.Be 'steely'(a bit like Bree in Desp. Housewives!)and keep copies of correspondance and incidents (eg is he sent home wet?) perhaps bring up at prearranged meet with head? eg how many discouraging unhelpful notes home?I've only had to do this once,in many years as a parent--with good result.best of luck!

Thanks demisemiquaver - I appreciate comments - Teacher has now started a reward chart which he seems really happy with - he got 6 stars yesterday. Still a bit enraged by way I was spoken to though and yes he has come home wet before - not yet seen head on own but do feel I should (Des. housewives on tonight - will watch bree closely!) thanks again.

It sounds as though he's overtired.Wetting grumpiness and being hyper are all hallmarks of a tired child.Can he reduce his hours ?

I think you were right to meet with the head too, the teacher sounds a bit weird to me, not very helpful and some comments.
Poor you as well, this must be really hard and it sounds like you are doing your best.
Four is so young to be in a formal environment!