My son with autism 'hates' girls in class

[debs40]

Ok, bit of a long and weird one.

My son, who has not yet been formally diagnosed but who is considered to have ASD, really dislikes girls - I mean really dislikes them.

He has just turned 7. He was moved on to a table with girls at the beginning of the year and I warned the teachers that he really doesn't like girls but they got a bit prissy as if I was demanding he be moved - I wasn't, I just wanted them to understand he might have concerns and that these might rise to the surface. Anxieties about things can act as 'triggers' to ASD children and need careful management.

I actually think he finds girls very difficult to 'read'and predict. He is similarly difficult with his younger brother who has long hair (and therefore should be a girl according to DS) and very unpredictable.

The school are not at all switched on to ASD and worse than that, there has been a certain arrogance to their behaviour over the last year. They would rather do nothing than ask for help and show ignorance. They are an 'outstanding' school and have 'lead' school status.

I understand from his TA that last week he was taken out of class by his teacher who said 'I don't know what to do with him'. He had apparently made some comment about girls. The TA wasn't told what it was.

She is fab and did some pictures showing how she looked as a girl and explained how all women used to be girls and how some girls even like Star wars etc.

Today, DS told me what happened.

He told me he had said 'I want to shoot all the girls'. A boy told the teacher. She shouted at him that he was never to day this and then took him out the class without explanation and left him with the TA.

DS had made a similar remark in the week which the same boy reported to the teacher. He said he wanted to 'shoot Mrs X' because she had given him work he couldn't understand. She told me she had overheard it herself and that all the children were very upset by it. This appears not to be true - the boy reported it and he was told off. She made a point of raising this with me.

Now, I know that these comments are not nice but I think they are clearly the result of some anxiety/frustration as DS is a very passive child who never causes any problems for anyone. This has in fact been the problem up to now as teachers have not seen him as having needs as he causes them no problems.

The teachers have a communication book and we are on the Early Bird Plus course where these issues are supposed to be raised so they can be addressed. So, I am annoyed that if this is an issue they are concerned about or don't know what to do about, they should raise it with me directly.

To date I have had nothing but grief from school who have no idea about what to do with DS. I am getting so frustrated. I had to re-write their IEP targets last week and they just express no interest in him. I'm always having to chase the provision he is supposed to have. I think they just can't be bothered with him.

Oh poor you and your son, they don't appear to understand at all. My friends son is ASD and he is 6. She isn't on Mumsnet but she changed to a more caring smaller school half way through year 1. There may be a family support person who could liaise between you and the school, and are not employed by th school but are to do with children's centres I believe. I wish you all the best.

It strikes me that your DS's school/teacher have a very poor understanding of ASD; it sounds as though he is being villified rather than being given the help and understanding which he badly needs.

The things he has been saying are quite typical of a child with his needs who is having a stressful time at school (my nephew with AS has said he's going to shoot people at school; my DD2 who also has AS has said she hates a very loud boy in her class - luckily her teacher and resource teacher helped us sort it)

I think you're right Sazisi. They don't know what they're doing and don't want to ask so either pretend there isn't a problem or deal with things badly.

They have sent the class TA on the Early Bird Plus course with us and it has been an eye opener to her as she can see all these other schools doing so much more for their kids. She has been great and goes back to school and reports everything she has learnt but has said that no one has expressed an interest.

Debs, you say you haven't a FORMAL dx of ASD although he is considered to have it

who has considered that he has ASD?

And why have you not got a diagnosis - are you still going through the procedure of Paed/Ed Psych reports?

I think that an actual dx opens up a lot of help

Yes, we are still going through the formal diagnostic procedure with the local ASD team. However, as there is a huge waiting list, they only put children on the diagnostic list who are considered to be 'diagnosis pending'. The ASD team is comprised of Ed Psych, clinical psychologist, SALT, OT and paediatrician.

Access to services is not dependent on the dx, so we can access the ASD/SCD toolkit and resources and attend the Early Bird Plus course run by the LA etc.

It's just the school who don't seem to understand the process and actually show little interest in him apart from responding to me when I badger them about what they should be doing.

I've just been having a look at the NAS website for anything helpful, and suggest you print [http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=1393&a=13865 this] out and give it to your DS's teacher, and another copy to the head . Highlight any parts which particularly apply to DS in case they speed-read it.

We have been quite lucky in that DD2 got her initial diagnosis just before she turned 4, (and had finished her multi-disciplinary assessment just after starting school in September) so we have had her school on board from the start. I have bombarded her teacher with print-outs (albeit only relevant ones ) and this has definitely helped her to sympathise with DD.

Missed a set of brackets, going to try that link again: www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=1393&a=13865

Hi Debs,

Sorry to hear that the school is not being very helpful. Is your ds quite quiet, not really a bother? I ask, because without a statement the school will probably do nothing.

Unfortunately (and it is wrong), with limited funds, most schools will take action with children who are disrupting the class/school - before the ones who are not bothering anyone other than themselves/own education. I would keep badgering the school with the outside agencies - or consider that the school may not be the best place to meet his needs. Do you think they will change when he gets a statement?

As for the 'girls' problem, has he had a run in with any of the girls - or girls previously, that could be worrying him. Do you know of any older girls that you could get to play with him, for a couple of minutes a day doing something he likes.

hth and good luck, schools can be a bit of a brick wall sometimes - keep chipping away

Thank you both. I really appreciate your responses as it is such an isolating world at school sometimes.

You are right he is passive so he gets ignored. Plus he isn't going to be all warm and responsive so he doesn't make a teacher feel all special and 'loved' like at least one of his class teachers seems to need to feel. Last year however he get on great with his teachers who really valued him for being him.

I'm so upset today that I don't feel like sending him in.

I had a big meeting with SENco (deputy head) and one of the class teachers on Friday and they accepted my redrafted IEP targets (PPS told me the schools targets showed their inexperiences of ASD) and confirmed that, at last, they would be getting an ed psych consult (largely because the ed psych team now know of DS because of the Early Bird Plus course and so asked why they hadn't been consulted). However, I felt positive.

Then I find out that there is the incident with girls (he won't tell me why he said it, I think he's too embarrassed). He was also sent to work with the TA as he wouldn't do handwriting. A big issues with him. She encouraged him by getting him to write about Star Wars but said that 'went down like a lead balloon' with the teacher.

DS still won't stay at school for lunch. He started to come home when there was nothing he liked on the lunch menu as packed lunches made him feel sick in the lunch hall (he has strong sensory issues about food and smell). Now he says he's too nervous to stay.

I've offered to sit with him outside the class while he eats lunch which has been rejected.

I see no willingness to help and no interest expressed in his well-being. I even bought them a book on AS and teaching strategies. I doubt it's ever been looked at.

The head of the ASD team is coming in next week to observe him in class and will see us after that. The Early Bird Plus course is coming in the week after and I'm seeing the Head after that.

I think that will be make or break time. As you say ......will this change with a statement?

My younger son starts school in September and I am tempted to home ed them both at least until we can decide what to do.

Moving schools will be very hard for DS1 as he has friends so I've stuck with the school for this reason.

The positives with a statement are that he will have funding, and thus a dedicated TA to help him.

Sorry to hear that lunchtimes are not working out. I'm not quite sure why the school is not trying to be more accomodating in allowing you to sit with him for his lunch, if there are no extra staff available. Are you CRB checked?

It may be worth suggesting this to the school, that way he can have his lunch comfortably, whilst continuing to get used to the lunch smells without it being overpowering.

It's great that he has friends there, so i would continue the great job you are doing for your son. Good luck.

It sounds like it really isn't the right school for him. You can stay and bash your head against a brick wall trying to get them to take an interest, or you can try and find a school that can better cater for your son's needs.

I think you're right. Despite what the school like to think, their pastoral care is not great and I actually think that their failings in regard to my son have more to do with that - too busy to take an interest - than inexperience of ASD etc.

If they cared, they would want to understand him.

This also fits in with the experience others have had at this school which seems to require a high level of independence from a very young age from children. My friend has a little girl in Y1 and she has had real problems settling in to the year and was being picked on (the teacher's words) by another child. She used to cry getting dropped off in the mornings. The school did not actively assist. My friend would have to ask the TA to come out and help. My friend was accused of having a 'clingy' daughter.

I really don't think the school see themselves like this though as they are very hot on SEAL and friendship etc. But they are also very full of themselves and their 'outstanding' and 'lead school' status so do not brook criticism.

Is it really different elsewhere???

i

It will be different in other schools, but maybe not better. Depends on the head/staff ethos ime.

If you have a head committed to helping ALL pupils achieve their best, regardless of ability (and MEAN it) - you tend to find that this filters down through the staff.

However, if you feel that the school is not approachable and willing to at least try and accomodate your concerns, maybe somewhere else would work better.

Have you looked around at other schools and their SEN/SN provision. It may be worth it, just to see how different schools 'feel' and talk about what provision/help children with ASD get.

Good luck and hope you had a better day