How would you feel? (re reception place offers)

[Mirrorball]

To keep it short:

Our son is at the preschool affiliated to the school we want him to go to (although we know this doesn't make any difference). We're slightly out of catchment. It was a long shot. We didn't get a place in reception, while all of his group of friends did (ante-natal friends - they've all stayed incredibly close). I knew we may not get a place and we have another school we're waiting to hear about. Another friend out of catchment did get a place... fair enough, BUT...

A close friend out of catchment got a place at this school we love, they went through the state school application process although their child is at a private preschool and will continue to go to the private school in reception as they get their fees paid for. They just wanted to see what they'd get. She didn't even visit the school, whereas we went to chat to the head, saw the school twice, it's exactly what our child needs developmental-wise.

I'm trying not to feel anything negative towards her, because it's not like she's taken OUR place, but they have taken someone else's place, someone who may desperately want that place. They are in such a privileged position and do not need a school place via the LEA. It's an emotional time and I feel so dreadful, like I've let my son down, could've written more on the 'notes' section of the application... We have no grounds for appeal but will go on the waiting list.

It's just such a difficult process seeing everyone around you happy with an offer from the school they wanted and we're still in limbo with an ok school on the cards, rather than an outstanding one. I'm inwardly dreading the school run, seeing the group of mums and kids and knowing they'll all still be at the school gates together for the next few years.

Do I need to get a grip?

I think you are unfair to blame your friend for wanting to keep her options open, however indirectly. You can't know that they can keep the child at the private school long term especially if there are siblings. You knew there was a risk he would n't get in and have a back up plan - focus on being positive about that and find others whose dc will be your ds' peers there. Go on the waiting list and you may yet get an offer as the whole situation settles down.

Just get your name on the waiting list and try not to worry. It is frustrating but nothing you can do about it.
My ds started reception not knowing anybody (me too!) and has just fit right in and made loads of friends.

But presumably your friend will turn down the place and it WILL go to someone else that wants it (maybe even you?).

I think you are letting your disappointment over the school influence you a bit ... would you feel the same about her if you HAD got a place?

Once you get started at school you'll probably find yourself so busy with getting used to the school routine that you'll forget about everyone else.

Our dd started at a school where we knew no-one (all our friends do live on the either side of town, though, so she would never have gone to the schools their children were going to) and I now can't imagine not going there each morning.

Plus, school places such demands on your time that it is best to be at the nearest school.

I understand that parents need a bit of handholding when their child starts school, but I'm sure you can do it on your own.

Plus, life is uncertain and so your ante-natal friends may find their jobs relocated etc.

It is annoying that the other person has done this, but as redskyatnight says, she will turn down the place as her child can't be at two schools at once.

Quite a lot of changes do tend to happen with school places (how long ago were the places allocated?) before the start of the year. I have a friend who was allocated a place at her third choice school, went on waiting list for second and first choice schools and ended up at the first choice one.

Yes you need to get a grip. Your friend will, one assumes, be refusing that place and therefore the next person on the waiting list will get it. In any case it's not for you to be saying who 'deserves' it and who doesn't. Have you rung admissions at the council and checked where you are on the waiting list?

Friend's child plus sibling guaranteed places at this private school throughout primary education. Lizs, I'm aware it's not her fault and I'm not blaming her for us not getting a place, just frustrated at the system and the fact that being in the private sector she underestimates how nerve wracking it is for people, and the lack of places for people who genuinely need them. I understand we all have to do the best for our kids.

I know the disappointment will eventually wear off, but the passed few days have been a mindf*ck!

Aideesmum, thank you! I will find some positivity from somewhere once we know about the other school.

You may well still get a place. No point at all in being annoyed by your friend - it generaly goes purely on distance and not whether you visited it / spoke to head / attended the pre-school. If you are annoyed with your friend means you are annoyed she lives nearer than you!

Make sure you are on waiting list, you may still get a place, maybe even before reception. We got a call from our preferred at the end of July 2 years ago as twins (younger siblings) emigrated and 2 places came up.

Thank you for your replies, everything posted is fair and I knew I needed a shake. It's good to have impartial advice, the whole thing has taken over me, and it's good to hear about people who have 'been there, done it'.

They will eventually turn down the place and the next person on waiting list will get it. I do not think we deserve that place, or any place actually.

I guess the unknown with the new school/people and you're SO right, I need to be happy and positive so my little boy is.

We also all need to remember that our friends' children aren't necessarily the children that our own children would chose to be friends with. (If you get the drift).

At school, your child will chose their friends and you might not like their parents!

I moved around a lot as a child and made friends at each new school and never really minded; sometimes actively looked forward to it. So a different point of view is that it could be very boring being stuck with your mum's ante-natal friends for the rest of your life!

This time last year my DD didn't get a place at the school where I teach and where she was at the nursery, it's also only 800m from our home. She was the only nursery child not to get a place and was allocated a place at the opposite end of the borough. Like you we had no reason to appeal but we did get put on the waiting lists for various other local schools and rejected the impossible to get to school. At the time it was devastating but after a couple of months DD was given a place at a local school and although it wasn't one I wanted her to go to (for professional reasons) I was pleased we'd had the sense to look around it beforehand and had prepared DD for the possibility that she would go there until a place came up at my school.

She had a very happy first term of Reception there but we moved her back to my school in January as a place became available. Her friends from nursery are still her friends and we thrilled to have her back.

It is frustrating when you miss out on your school of choice but the system never promises us our school of choice so it makes sense to ensure that you have visited any school you believe you may well be allocated so at least there's something positive to say about the place (even if you don't feel positive!). Hope something works out for you eventually...

My DD was at a pre-school linked to a primary and was asked to leave once the places were allocated as we had recently moved and had a won a place at a different primary school. Seemed unfair at the time but actually was best thing we did as she made a new best friend at the second pre-school and they are still best buddies now they are at junior school.

So my advice would be to do maybe 2 or 3 days at a pre-school closer to the primary you've been allocated and the balance at your current one. Then your DS will already have some friends when he starts as well as keeping his old ones.

just as Builde said it is important to remember that your child will choose his own friends and these more often than not, will be children where you do not know parents very well. I know a lot of parents (particularly mums ) where they try to put their children together just because they are friends and often those children as they get older and develop their own interests etc have absolutely nothing in common with them. so please dont dwell on what might have been or feel left out come september if all your friends are taking their kids to one school and you are taking your child to another please remember it is your child who is starting school not you! it will be a very exciting time for him and he will probably not give the kids at the nursery he was with a second thought!

Just one thing to add to all the other comments here - don't beat yourself up over the notes section of the application. It makes absolutely no difference to your chances of getting a place at your preferred school. Places are allocated on the admission criteria which, in most cases, will take into account whether or not you live in catchment, whether your son has a sibling already at the school, distance from school, etc. Nothing you could have written would have made any difference.

Mirrorball-just hang in there.Where are you on the waiting list? Places will come up between now and September,people will move away, go to independent schools etc

How come you have got your primary place allocated already? I thought they didnt get allocated until mid April???

It may be wroth calling your local authority to see how fat up the waiting list you are for your preferred school.
We got our 2nd choice, but were something like 11th on the list for our 1st choice.
Our LA told us that all names get removed from the waiting list at start of the school year - unless parents specically ask to remain on.

We did not get offered a place prior to school starting, and as our DD settled well and we liked the other school, we decided not to stay on the list.

One or two children in her class did make the change partway through reception.

If you think you would be happy to move your child after the start, it may be worth finding out if your LA operate the waiting lists in the same way.

I know where you coming from dd1 did not get her junior school last year but we got her in on appeal as there were various reasons we wanted her there and we had medical evidence etc to back it up. Now ds2 has been refused a place at the infant school that dd1 went to. I should have submitted more medical evidence for his case but the admissions service basically said unless he had a statement it would not have made any difference as even though staff know him and all about his medication etc any school in the area could deal with him. I am nervously waiting to hear regarding waiting list but unlike most parents I know that at the moment there are 8 children on the waiting list but they were on time applications late applications will be looked at in April and can hugely affect our place on the waiting list. I am visiting the allocated school for the third time after half term to try and get a more positive vibe there is nothing wrong with the school and is great second choice however the infant school my daughter was at became like a family so it just feels wrong. My friend had same situation with her dd1 for the same junior school but has moved around on their waiting list like a yoyo has so far been second, fourth, eighth, thirteenth and is now back to fourth. Waiting lists are allocated the same way as the original places so if somebody moves into the area closer than you they go above you. I know of one family who took new private house two roads away from school then changed their minds on house but already had been allocated place for their child by time they changed mind the nearest child on waiting list is now 0.72 miles away but that family now live 3.4 miles away so the system can easily be abused. Not trying to be negative just thought you should know.

It's weird that they got a place if out of catchment?

Besides that I do think this might be for the best in some way...sometimes fate deals us something that is actually a better deal than what we planned on.

I think you have to try and focus on that...we got the school we wanted after a long wait on the waiting list and tbh I'm not that impressed!

Things will work out, I promise you...just maybe in a differently good way, iyswim

That's quite shocking someone got asked to leave preschool on this thread

Maybe you could console yourself by thinking htat if your 'friend' got a place but is planning for private,then so will other parents. The likelihood of your child getting a place is going to get better as more parents confirm their private place.