More huge problems with dd; please give me your advice and admonishment and anything else!

[Jux]

I have posted on this subject before - in bereavement mainly - but I'll put in background.

In the last 2 years we have had to contend with the deaths of 7 close friends and family. Moreover, our cat was killed, the two guinea pigs died, 3 of our fish died and all the frogs, the van blew up and my laptop gave up the ghost! I lump all this together as it has all had an effect on dd, who is 10.

She has been very traumatised and troubled, not surprisingly.

She has a counsellor who is fantastic, and they have a really good relationship. She has seen the school nurse, has access to a TA at school for 10mins a day to offload, we have seen CAMHS.

DD told us last night that the TA she sees at school (who is trained in counselling) said that it was irresponsible for us to have allowed dd to be there when my mother died.

As dd told us this she said it was like the woman was taking away the only family she had left. She cried for a long time and it took hours to calm her. She fell asleep from exhaustion at around 1am. We didn't send her to school today and won't be sending her tomorrow and then it's half term.

Is it normal practice to criticise parents in front of the child?

DH is threatening to make an official complaint to the County Council or whoever they are.

We don't feel that dd is gaining anything from going to school at the moment. She can't concentrate on lessons, she bursts into tears at the drop of a hat, her friends don't understand why she is OK one minute and miserable the next.

The TA's opinions seems to have gone round the school, with even a dinner lady telling dd that we were wrong to let her be there when mum died.

I am really upset. Mum's death was beautiful and peaceful and pain free. It was as lovely a death as you could ask for, particularly when cancer is involved. I feel like this small minded, stupid woman has poured dirt over it. (I'm overreacting I know.)

We don't feel inclined to send dd back to school at all now. We are considering keeping her out until September when she'll go up to secondary.

In fact, we are all over the place; and simply don't know where to turn.

xpost with you PixieOnaLeaf.

She hated Brownies, but she does sing in the church choir and is away from me for about that long, so I know she can do it. She stopped going immediately after mum died, was just starting again, when my bro died, and has just started again since that. They're all old ladies though but she loves them.

I must look into extra-curricular groups though. Even though this is a small town, there have to be some which she'd enjoy. It's all money though (and we're skint until we get probate).

I have to go to bed now though. Thank you to everyone. I will check back tomorrow.

Jux - try posting on the 11+ forum www.elevenplusexams.co.uk/forum/11plus/index.php - if you scoll down, there is a section titled "Devon". I know that you are now looking at sitting 11+ exams but there will be local parents on there (possibly more than on MN and perhaps different ones) who may be able to point you in the direction of a school that might suit your DD. If you think you can afford independent, you might want to ring around a local indie or two - your DD sounds like a bright but also very thoughtful child and I am sure that there will be a school which will be great for her and not necessarily one for "weird" kids either! (She sounds perfectly normal to me!)

Another thing: I have a good friend in South Devon (near Dartmouth) who has trained as a counsellor (with a lot of work on bereavement) and who is very good with kids - she is not working as a professional counsellor but if you think that it might be useful to have a word with her or even just exchange some e-mails, please CAT me and I will put you in touch.

Re: SATs - talk to the school, they are not necessarily necessary but better to have confirmation they're not and then home ed than home ed and find outt hat they are.

10 years are going to have to learn some day. They may need frequent reminding that your DD is fragile at the moment but I think my ex-charge's school dealt with it exceptionally well. Even 6 months afterwards the little girl was obviously still grieving and any 'mean-ness' towards her was dealt with very sensitively and the children were reminded that something very sad had happened and they needed to be understanding. A reminder might make all the difference to their attitude.

I don't know if you saw I mentioned flexible attendance. Do talk to your head about this - you have a good case and if you think it would be beneficial for your DD to stay in school then that's a way she can stay in at least part of the time, maybe just for the bits she likes so that school becomes a positive experience again. At the moment it sounds like a LOT is tied up in her unwillingness to go to school but it's not that she doesn't like school itself IYSWIM.

I think perhaps if you focus on getting her the right school for 11 onwards rather than taking any decisions now re home edding it might be a good idea. You can always pull her out in future if necessary but it would not be at all surprising, would it, if some of her need to be at home is due to anxiousness and wanting to be with you just in case, an element of looking after you.....I'd want to keep school in the equation for now because it is possible that it could gain her alot and it is also possible that her motivation to be at home might not be entirely 'healthy' for want of a better word.

I hope the counselling helps her - sure it will in time. The thing is with life that we all need is to develop a certain robustness. Bob Geldof said in that live aid song "thank god tonight it's them instead of you"....which is awful, but also true. Death and loss and horrible things happening to those we love IS awful; but at the same time we still have life, and health, and all the glorious things of life. And there's nothing wrong with acknowledging that. I think as a child that's harder to learn, but with counselling and with your example I am sure she will get there.

Good luck.

OttersOnIce I did wonder! I do sometimes get angry with dh, but didn't think I had on this occasion!

PixieOnaLeaf - yes! Somewhere like that, where she has more self-determination and feels less powerless.

Summersoon, I will go through that link properly in a bit, thank you. It's very kind to offer to put me in touch with your friend; I will talk to dd's counsellor - next appointment on Wednesday - and see what she thinks about this latest episode. She is very good with dd and was really helpful to me when my brother first died, though that was really above and beyond her remit.

frakkinaround, lost it in the mix, thanks for reminding me. Flexible attendance is a good idea and I will put it to the head should she ever get back to us. DH has gone off to London today to deal with more brother stuff and we haven't had much opportunity to talk further, as one of my bro's oldest friends came on a visit for most of yesterday.

Cirrhosis, you're right, we do need to sort out her secondary education otherwise we'll be firefighting all through it; I was never really intending to home ed her for more than these months up to September.

I know what you mean about it being unhealthy in her wanting to stay at home, and it has crossed my mind. I'm worried that we are setting her up for a stilted life where she never gets the nerve up to leave home, misses out on university and spends her entire life living in our small town, never really experiencing all the wonderful exciting things that life has to offer.

I can see light if I home ed her for a few months, which could basically entail lots of visits to exciting, educated, interesting relatives who live in beautiful houses and live fun lives, have interesting conversations etc. The more I think about it, the more sending her back to school seems like a recipe for disaster and could just wreak more havoc and insecurity. But then, that's possibly my own wants dictating!

We just got the letter this morning saying she'd failed to get into the local fabby grammar (applications up by more than three times the usual; entrance exam was 3 weeks after my bro died so I'm not surprised. I've promised dh to wait until he's back before we tell her).

Her second choice would be better for her anyway, but we won't know until March. If she gets into that one then I will be less worried about her secondary - but would still prefer her to go to somewhere like Sands/Summerhill!

Thanks so much, all of you, for your input. If I've lost some points I'm sorry, and do feel free to remind me. Must go now, RL waits for no man.

I have to say I am bit confused why the TA would say that, regardless of whether she was BU or not (whoch she was btw). When my nephew died SIL was advised by a Macmillian nurse, who was experienced in child bereavement not to exclude her dd, but to keep her routine the same, i.e. if he died while she was school, obv she would not be there, but allow her to be there if she wanted to be there and if she was home.

Surely this Macmillian Nurse would be better qualified to give this advice than a TA who has some counselling training?

I'm not sure what be best wrt school, sorry. But you should be complaining about this TA. Could you arrange counselling via the GP instead?

Riven, dd1 is seeing a counsellor soon, it's been arranged by the school nurse, as they can make referrals quicker than GP's can.

I wouldn't want my daughter talking to a TA at school with limited counselling experience and a big mouth!!!!
Consider a family counceller who can also talk to your daughter on her own.
You sound like a lovely close family who will get through this. Definately look for activities outside school so your daughter has the opportunity to make different friends and develop different interests, it was the making of my daughter at that age when she discovered she was very good at swimming, it gave her focus and she made friends away from school.
It's a tough age and we had problems but I found it hard to get a balance between talking to my daughter about her problems in an adult way which she loved and encouraged us all to talk more but only achieved her getting a massive amount of attention and didn't really help her much.
When we got her to develop her own interests and helped her to help herself did we make progress, she is now 13 and fingers crossed life is much better, best thing for her was starting secondary school where she could be herself amongst lots of other weirdos!!! There is such a mix of kids in a school year of 180 that they all have something a bit odd about them or their family but they all except it.She has made new friends, not one from primary has she stayed friends with and life is much happier for us all.

DD is getting proper counselling and has been since soon after my mum's death. She has a very good relationship with this counsellor and we are very happy about their relationship.

DH complained to the school first thing Thursday morning and we got letters from the head and the class teacher yesterday. The teacher's letter was written before she was informed of the complaint and made a very valid point about 'geeing' dd along after her misery on Wednesday morning, thus showing them and dd herself that she can get through.

The head's letter is a different story and will take rather more time to go through than I have right now (dh has just come in and asked me to help him unload the car, so have to go now).

Glad to hear your DDs teacher is being supportive and clearly aware that she's miserable but able to help her through.

Am concerned by what you said about the Head's letter though. That doesn't sound nearly as promising.

My heart felt best wishes go out to you. You've been through a lot and I can only promise you that time will relieve some of the pressure and some of the pain. (I speak from some experience here).

However, you are faced with what is best for your daughter. I think frakkinaround makes some very good points, though I'm not clear on whether your daughter is in year 5 or 6 which makes a difference.

One thing I have noticed about the traumas my 10 year old (year 5) daughter has been through the last few years is that it is amazing the difference a half term off can make for everyone involved. It can be a cooling off period for both kids and staff.

As for home schooling, I know many people for whom it has worked wonders, but when I tried it, it was hell for me and my daughter. Also, is taking her out of the situation teaching her to run away from problems? I think in my case it was.

As for her learning stuff, maybe the life lessons she is getting are what she needs to learn right now. She will catch up on the academic stuff, really.

I hope this helps and take care of your self!

I've been in London for the last 4 days (I think, not really sure what day it is or when we went). Am knackered and miserable. The police wouldn't give me half of my brother's effects which they had taken from his flat when he was found. That started our time there off nicely - spend 2 hours in the cop shop and achieve very little, and know that what's left there will be destroyed.

My big brother's falling apart too, he was the rock in my life.

DH and I haven't even had a chat about dd's future yet. I'm exhausted; he's out. On Friday we start on a visit to relatives for a couple of days. Might be restful. My aunt has had quite a few children, and may be able to advise us a bit. Hope to see other relatives too and get ideas from them.

I am so tired, I just want to cry.