Helping a sad girl settle into Reception

[MrsSantosloves2010]

OK - so DD has now confirmed what I suspected - she loathes school. My heart sank when she said it (unprompted). She started in January. She was at preschool and nursery before for two years so is not new to the idea of being away from me or with other kids. I just think that (as it has to be) school is a lot less cuddly than the other two venues and she is struggling to find her niche. She is a bit of an oddball, bless her. she is also a fair bit shorter than everyone else with not much hair (IUGR). She is also one of the youngest in the year. All in all she looks and acts differently. Add on to all this the fact that her dad moved out before Christmas and it's all gone a bit wrong from her point of view .

I think she is OK in the "structured" parts of the day but is completely lost at play and lunchtimes. I am going to see her teacher next week for a routine progress review and I am hoping for some strategies for this kind of situation. Buddying her up with other children, maybe? what else might they suggest. I don't want to be too PFB about this but I also think she needs some help. Anyone been through this and have some tips or any Reception teachers got any ideas?

Definately talk to the teacher about it, ask the teacher to keep an eye on her at breaktimes and lunchtimes, is she on her own all the timne or does she interact with other children?

the school will take your concerns seriously and will want to help your DD settle in. They might buddy her up with someone, encourage older children to take her on or the adults on duty might encourage her ot play games with her etc.

Reception teacher and the other staff will have lots of strategies, there is always at least one child like this in everu reception year.

I'm so sorry to hear that your dd is struggling, it must make you feel awful. My 4 yr old started in Sept, is the youngest of the year & although used to being away from me has always struggled in unstructured environments. Playtime & free playing time inside seemed to be what she finds most difficult. The more organised parts of the days she really likes. I think the change from nursery or preschool to school is a big one & the staff however lovely are that much more physically detatched from them. My daughter is much more confident with the teaching assistants than the actual teachers, they have 2 teachers & 2 TA's doing job share. I think it's because they are that bit more friendly & slightly less teachery - no offence intended to any teachers! It is early days still, my daughter seemed slightly more settled by the time we got to half term & then has continued to improve. Saying that the friendship thing is still a problem but I think especially with girls this is a common problem. It's good that you have a review coming up & hopefully the teacher will be able to reassure you & come up with some ideas to help settle your dd. Your dd must be going through a difficult time at the moment & hopefully th teacher will be able to help her through this as best as she can.

I was speaking to a yr 1 parent & she was telling me how much her daughter is preferring yr 1 to reception because there is less free time & when they are in the classroom it is so much more structured. She said it seemed to give a lot less time for falling out between the girls too.Am hoping that this is the case for my dd as this is so stressful!

I don;t think you need to worry about her 'looking or acting differently' to the other children, recpetion children are still young enough to accpet differences and not even see differences that you might notice, from my experience anyway. I'm sure she doesn't stand out to other 5 yr olds. They are all a bit odd at that age, and quircky and unique.

Aww, it tugs at the heart

My dd also started in January, and she has found it really tough going too.

Do they have a mentor system at your school?

My dd started a week later than all the other kids, as the poor child caught chicken pox, so all the "groups" had already formed and leaving my poor little one out.

I mentioned it to a teacher and now she has made some friends with the help of the mentors/prefects and the TA's. I must admit, I am very happy with the schools effort to help her settle in, and now we only have a few tears in the morning with the separation anxiety, although that does now seem to be lessening

Gosh she's facing lots of hard things at once. Other than speaking to the teacher I would also try and arrange some playdates for her. Find out from her which other girls she knows and try and invite them round (one at a time).

Also speak to teacher about it - in my DDs class the girls have a star chart for playing with a new girl - she doesn't speak any english so hard for her to fit in. I know it sounds a bit sad, but at least this girl now has someone to play with at each break. Each girl in the class gets either morning, lunch or afternoon break for a whole week and a star on the star chart for each time.

Another strategy the teacher could use is to get an older girl to look out for her in a big sister sort of a way. The older girls love doing this and its great for the little ones. At my DDs school in reception they paired them up with year 3 children who listened to the reception kids reading once a week, and then read them a story, and then looked out of their "pair" in the playgroup. My DD loved her "buddy" so much she invited her to her birthday party.

Thanks for your replies - lots of ideas. I hate the idea of her being so unhappy and thinking no one cares I will pursue the playdate thing after half term. Tbh I am totally knackered at the moment looking after the kids single handedly and running the house (I am hardly a Martha Stewart type either). so the energy involved in inviting a new mum/child pair is a bit daunting. But I know it's important. Now, all I have to do is break into the Mummy Clique! I was invited for coffee at a cafe last week which was nice but then they spent all their time moaning about their DHs

Can your DD identify anyone she would like to be friends with that you can target? If you can manage, together, to find someone whose mother also seems approachable you could meet on neutral ground somewhere if that is less daunting than inviting them round?

Absolutely agree that the teacher is the first point of call. If your DD is OK in the structured parts of the day then the teacher may not realise quite how miserable she is otherwise - I am sure it won't be the first time they have come across this situation and they should have some strategies to suggest.

Had similar with my DS when he started in reception, aged 4, youngest out of 60 in the year. We had lots of tears and refusing to go. Spoke to his wonderful Reception teacher (who'd seen it all before) and now in year 2 he is 99% better and says he enjoys school. He is still a little reserved (probably always will be - that's just a feature of his wonderful being) but he has friends he really likes who he meets with at playtimes and for lunch.

Try the playdates - most people are receptive and just grateful for a change in routine, with no huge expectations for a 'Martha Stewart' experience. The children may not become best buddies but it all adds to the people they can say hello to and have a game with at playtime.

Hang in there, it will get better soon. Talk to the school - they really have seen it all before. Good luck.

I had a DD like that. It was a real shock because she had always been sociable at home. It continued in years 1 & 2 and she was bullied. School didn't seem to take it seriously.

Turns out she does have some social issues (very mild). We moved her to a smaller school (part of a relocation) and she has changed entirely. Has a great group of friends and she has become very confident. The school gave her social classes in a small group (they explore one emotion per week and act out scenarios). It is fab.

My advice - act early (kick myself for not having acted sooner now). Keep up communication with your kid - make sure you know exactly what is going on (DD only told me half of the stories after she had left her school e.g. teacher tearing up her work in class). Move them if it is not resolved ( a school that resolves issues is worth hanging on to!!).