DD 4.6 suddenly struggling in reception with friendships - any advice?

[SycamoretreeIsVile]

So clearly this is a crazy time of night to post but as worrying about it is keeping me awake, I've decided now is as good a time as any to be proactive and I can always bump myself in the morning.

DD is 4.6, the youngest and one of the smallest in her class. She has very much enjoyed school since starting in September, and also loved being at the pre-school attached to the school. Whilst her teachers have always said she was more of a social butterfly than part of any particular clique, this seemed quite a positive thing and on the whole, whilst perhaps not anyone's favourite, she seemed liked well enough by all - plenty of party invites and a smattering of playdates.

However, rather abruptly at the end of last week and the beginning of this week, there was quite a substantial shift in her attitude to school. She didn't want to go in, complained she was ill, then started to tell me that she was being teased at school, that no one wanted to play with her (yes, that old one) and that a couple of girls kept moving away from her when she wanted to do her drawing by them. One of these girls being someone she has had reciprocal playdates with.

I went in early to school today to catch a word with DD's teacher before school, fully expecting to be told there was nothing to worry about and that of course DD was playing with other kids, but unfortunately no such luck. Her teacher said she was going to have a word with me but I beat her to it. Apparently DD has been very subdued at school, and has been asking to go home every day since last Thursday

Teacher said part of the problem is that DD is one of the quietest, and that where many of the other girls (class is 75% girls) are boisterous enough to stand their own ground and (I assume) tell anyone who might be being mean to get lost (in 4 year old parlance), DD tends to absorb a lot more, and will take more before she will alert a teacher.

This is pretty much in direct contrast to what the teacher said at our first parents evening where she said yes, she's quiet, but she's got no problem in going to a teacher or a TA if she has an issue.

I confess I have cried a fair few tears about this today. Teacher had tried to buddy DD up on Monday but it had backfired as the two girls she was pared with (not girls she had mentioned to me or DH before) has ended up in some ridiculous argument over yellows being winners and reds (DD) being losers.

DD is young in the year, but quite emotionally mature and very sensitive. She's also definitely a "good girl", and always very eager to please. I fear this isn't helping her much. When I talked ot her today to see if thing had gone any better she looked very uncomfortable. She is clearly very upset and confused by what has happened. She also seems embarrassed to talk about it so I have tried not to push the issue - it is so hard though as I find it very difficult to get anything approaching a clear account of what her day might have been. Most days she can't even remember what she ate for lunch.

But now the biggest indicator that something is really wrong is that she has wet her bed two nights in a row. This from a girl who has never, ever, in her life wet the bed. Not even as a 2 year old coming out of nappies - she never even had a nappy at night and was dry from the day she first put on her big girl pants.

She is mortified, obviously. And what possible conclusions am I supposed to draw other than she is deeply troubled by something?

I am going to put a note in her book bag tomorrow requesting a proper meeting with her teacher after school on Friday, but beyond that, what to do?

I would so appreciate any words of wisdom or encouragement - strategies etc to try and build back the social confidence she once had.

She told me today when she sees a big group of children together it makes her nervous. She couldn't articulate very clearly why, but I think it is something to do with the fact that she doesn't like many of the running around, rough and tumble games and would be much happier doing "walking round the fairy tree" or mums and dads.

Gosh - what an essay. Think I better stop there before I lose even the most generous of readers who have got this far with me.

Aww, school's a really tough place sometimes. Is it a large school? Sounds like the transition was tough for her. See what her teacher suggests on Friday. Drama classes are good for boosting confidence and self esteem so it's worth a try.

Thanks Belle. Is it a large school? Hmmm, I guess it's bigger than some. 3 classes in reception - 30-31 pupils in each.

Is that big?

Not much help as to the cause of the anxiety,..and your post does seem to suggest an incident of some sort, rather than a gradual withdrawal.

In addition to identifying the issue, you obviously will be talking about at coping strategies for your DD. I wondered if it was worht asking her teacher if there are any similar naturd boys or girls in her class to who she could be "steered" perhaps? I meam to reduce the possibility of insecurity by matching not mismatching her personality in her peer group. School can assist this with group or paired work in class. This helped in a similar sort of situation for a friend of mine.

Your post made me feel quite sad for you and DD and I really hope that you find a solution. . Besy wishes

That's quite big yes, considering there's different years, sounds like she's overwhelmed to be honest, especially as she's younger. I'd see if the teacher can help, she's obviously not happy. I'll have a think tomorrow and get back to you. Is there a smaller school she could move to as a very last resort?

Best wishes, even,!

I have been talking through some assertiveness ideas for when other kids are being mean or bolshy. So just saying in a big voice, "I don't like it when you do that, please stop" Then if they persist to tell her teacher.

Yes, the similarly natured children is a good idea and is one of the things I am going to suggest on Friday. I have sort of identified another girl who looks like she might be a good temperament match for DD - she's also smaller like DD! I mentioned her to DD and she said yes, this girl is quieter so we'll see what can be done. Girls mum is also on PTA and seems nice.

I think part of problem is that the kids from the pre-school have all sort of stuck together, but the truth is, the one's DD was most similar too did not end up in her class.

I sure hope it doesn't come to a new school but no, not really. We're in West London and the state primary schools are big on the whole. Catchment areas...now don't even get me started on that!

SycamoretreeIsVile, I remember similar things happening when I was at school. It is sad but it is quite common. Small groups and cliques are formed and someone is shunned and excluded from the group. This makes the group more cohesive and gives it a "them and us" feel. The good news is that these groups are fluid and in four weeks' time, your daughter will be back in a group and unfortunately someone else will be excluded. As you say, your daughter can even be shunned by friends that she has gone to tea with. Sometimes the leader of the group will guide the group into shunning someone to demonstrate her leadership, and othertimes it will be a member of the group who will shun someone because they are jealous that the leader is showing too much attention to that person. None of this is any comfort for you, but the groups often change their composition.

More assertiveness for your daughter is unlikely to make much difference in my opinion. Her fundamental nature is lovely as it is, which is why she doesn't like you trying to change her by helping her with assertiveness.

I don't think a new school is the solution, because these things go on in all schools.

If the teacher could have a word with another popular girl and ask her to include your daughter in her play circle, that might help. Also if it is possible for the teacher to be part of and organise some sort of game during playtime this could help, because most of the pupils would probably enjoy playing with the teacher and your daughter would be part of it. Also pairing your daughter with a popular leader in class might help them to form a bond. Pairing your daughter with a similar natured girl may also help.

sorry I misread your comment, I thought this is what your daughter was saying to you
""I don't like it when you do that, please stop"
when you were helping her with assertiveness

I'd definitely talk to the teacher Sycamore and asap. They should be used to it, as reception's hard for many children, but equally they should have lots of ideas as to how to help. If it helps at all, DS had similar - he made a strong friendship with one boy, who then went off with another - it was the end of the world for DS (he is a bit dramatic ) - but he started hating school too. In the end it did him the world of good, as the teacher and TA helped him find other friends, and he blossomed and now in Yr1 is far less easily thrown. Don't hold back though - go in and let the teacher know how much it's affecting her.

Thank you so much for such considered responses - they are all so helpful, and a bit of solidarity is a welcome salve.

The problem is that the leader, the popular girl is the one saying DD can't come to her party (despite the fact that the girls party was 2 months ago and DD was invited - kids, eh?) and saying she can't play with her laptop (??) DD didn't even know what one was.

The teacher has agreed to a meeting next Tuesday. She said things didn't go much better yesterday, but I am also getting a sense that DD might need to be a bit more flexible on the games she likes to play. Apparently she was buddied with a girl of her choosing (the very girl I had thought she might be suited to) and they played well at mums and dads, but then when the other little girl wanted to play something else, DD didn't want to and so I guess that was the end of it. I told DD this morning that part of being a good friend is reciprocating on games - so to give things a try even if she might not instinctively feel like playing cafes or whatever. That the play can't always be on her terms.

DH just texted to say he'd walked past the school at break time (he works from home) and DD was running round the playground with two girls - one from her class, another not, but both ex -pre school pals and she was having a whale of a time. So I'm feeling a lot better.

I'm sure it will pass. It's a learning curve, though a tough one to have to steer so young.

On another thread I read someone had taught handclapping games to their DD, which I think sounds great. I can only remember a sailor went to sea sea sea. Can anyone remember any more?!

Sycamore - I really feel for your dd & you. Your dd sounds very similar to my dd, the youngest in the class, quiet, sensitive & lovely natured. A meeting with the teacher sounds a good idea & hopefully she should be able to come up with some ideas to improve things. It's so hard thinking our lo's are going through this all on their own at school but I'm sure a good teacher can make the world of difference. My dd was struggling in the first term friendship wise & I found the teacher's attitude rather unhelpful, basically along the lines of dd doesn't help herself as she's so quiet - surely they should be trying to bring her out of herself - anyway don't get me started on that! Your dd's teacher sounds a lot more understanding than that so hopefully together you will be able to make things a bit easier for your dd. Good luck x

I think the teacher is being helpful, doing all the right things. I am looking forward to a proper chat though, rather than a few snatched words in the playground as the kids line up to go in (whilst I do my best not to burst into tears and do my passable impression of a mother in control of her emotions).

If I'm honest I would like the teacher to have a careful and sensitive word with the girl who seems to be intent on excluding DD at the moment. But mostly I'd just like a fuller picture of what is going on.

I just posted about something similar a couple of weeks ago. My dd is one of the youngest and tends to be quiet and shy. All seemed to be going well last term. She had a small number of friends - 2 in particular.

Then this term something has gone wrong and she stopped playing with one former friend and became sad, saying she often had on-one to play with. I think dd can cope with quite a lot of time playing on her own - but there is a limit. She also started wetting herself. I was VERY anxious and talked to her teacher.

I have encorouged dd to make a new friend with a similarish girl and there has been some progress. I have noticed a number of playdate arrangements going on with her best friend and former friend that exclude dd, but really, I don't think she is ready for unaccompanied playdates and we still see her best friend every week. I stung a bit but it doesn't matter as long as dd has the friendships she needs - she doesn't need to be the most popular girl in the class - just just needs her niche.

Dd also needs to learn to be more flexible when playing with other children. I am being less amenable and more child-like when I play with her as practice! She can be quite bossy and unaccommodating.

I love the idea of teaching games such as clapping games - I must look into that.

I have really worried myself sick over this - but as pp have said, friendships are very fluid and situations change rapidly. I would invite the girl you have your eye on over to play and keep gently advising your dd on some simple social ettiquette. I usually feel I'm really wasting my breath but then occaisionally I see something seems to ahve sunk in.