When do you decide to let them 'fight their own battles' at school?

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DS2 is a young, shy, not very confident 7 year old in Year 3.

I've always been quite protective of him, as he is youngest in his class, quite socially immature, and has been subject to some mild bullying in the past (comments from older peers about his lack of footballing skills etc - that sort of thing).

As a result, I've often found myself 'having a word' with teachers/ asking for their help to stamp things out, and I often seem to be trying to help 'sort things out' for him when they've gone wrong (e.g. confusion over homework/ forgotton items etc)

But now I'm beginning to wonder whether I should really be leaving him to sort things out himself more?

The only problem is that he seems very timid and nervous of his teachers (bad experience with his teacher in Year 2 ) and he always seems scared to ask them/ tell them about things 'out of the ordinary'.

He really worries about EVERYTHING and gets far too worked up so e.g. was panicking because I'd suggested he ask the teacher if he could change his book for one that was more suitable (the one he's chosen was too 'girly').

I don't want to 'drop him in the deep' end, but I'm not sure how to manage the transition phase of him dealing with (slightly difficult) things on his own?

How do you find his current teacher? I think there's nothing quite as good for dealing with being scared as having to do something and finding it wasn't scary after all, so making it easy for him to avoid doing the scary things won't really be helping him to realise they're ok.

If you could have a word with the teacher to make sure she's aware of how difficult he finds it, so she knows to be as "approachable" as possible with him, then get him to ask or tell her things fairly often, then he'd get over it more quickly.

Hi there,

A difficult and complex one and one I struggle with as well from time to time.

My ds1 is a tad introverted and can be shy. He is an intellectual as opposed to physical little guy. He is now 6 1/2 in year 2 and is just now starting to come into his own.

He has had mild confidence issues as well because he has a squint and has had to wear eye patches at school to correct as well as having thick lenses on his glasses. He has been mildly bullied for this. It doesn't seem to bother him much now though.

Last year he had a horrendous teacher in Year 1 and I found it very difficult to approach them. I did on a couple of occasions and always walked away feeling a bit worse for it. Most days he was coming home from school not having played with anyone and I was very distraught by this. It didn't help that his teachers were not all that complimentary about his school work which is his strong point. (He is reading 2-3 years above his year and top of his class across subjects.) Teacher didn't believe in too much praise so, he seemed to be getting it from all ends. No friends, no positive encouragement for his school work. Felt really down and wanted to switch schools. However, I thought the school overall was good so decided to hang in for another year. So glad we did because his teacher this year is brilliant and seems to appreciated his quirky approach, his confidence has soared. At the beginning of the school year he came home saying another little boy was hitting him repeatedly jsut before the lunch bell rang. I asked him how he responded and he said he hit the other boy back. I thought fine, he sorted it himself. He came home the next day and said the same thing but that he didn't hit back. By day 3, I had had enough so I went to the head and she had words with the other boy. Later that day, his teacher pulled me aside and told me that there had been another altercation by they had been playing a game of dinosaurs and my son had played just as much a part of the physical part.

When I quizzed ds1 about it in more depth it turns out all of the hitting had been part of the game and not bullying. I explained that that level of violence was not exceptable, etc. and the whole thing went quiet. Now, he says from time to time this other little boy hits him but he is not overly bothered by it. So, I leave it be. I felt a tad foolish feeling so angry at this other little rougher boy because I clearly didn't have all the facts and charged in.

I do think you have to let them sort out a lot of their own little battles to give them coping skills. Sometimes as parents I think our good intentions actually can leave them worse off. I thnk the time to step in is when there lives are obviously suffering in other areas- bedwetting, inappropriate anger and outbursts, poor school work, etc.

It can't hurt to open a dialogue with his current teacher if she/he is amenable to get a different perspective.

Sidenote about the reading book- that's one I would personally leave alone. A lot of the reading books are a bit girlish. Just gives them a different perspective- they all get them..

I think my view with schools is- choose your battles wisely or they stop listening to you as the parent with the finger on the panic button all the time.

bad grammar, sorry

Thanks for these replies.

Littletree - "the parent with the finger on the panic button all the time." YES! This is what I'm really worried about. At the end of a tiring day, when he comes home grumpy and hungry things always seem worse, and I know in the past that I have a tendency to 'flare up' and want to 'sort things out'
I've now learnt to always sleep on things and give it at least a day or two to see if something is really as much of a problem as it seemed .

His current teacher is good. She's fair but firm with the kids, and I did have a bit of a chat about building his confidence at the beginning of the year, and I think she has been helping.

I know what you mean about the book thing, however he got himself into a tizz about it, which is why I suggested changing it:

DS: "I don't want to read the rest of that book - it's too girly"

Me: "Well, you need to finish it to get another one..."

DS: "Don't want to... it's all about princesses and fairies"

Me: "Well, pretend you've finished it, and swap it..."

DS: (wide-eyed) "NOOOOOO - if Mrs N finds out I haven't really read it I'll be in trouble.."

Me: "No you won't. Just explain you're really not enjoying it, and ask politely if you can change it" (I know this will be fine, as DS1 had the same teacher a couple of years ago...)

DS: (sounding panicky): "No, No! She'll tell me off...." (This is due to his relationship with his last teacher who always seemed very grumpy, and 'brushed him off' on numerous occasions, or told him not to 'be silly' etc )

Me: "No she won't. Not if you ask politely."

DS2: "No........I can't."

So we've ended up in a deadlock of him not finishing his book/ not changing it for nearly a week...

Get him to read the girlie one substituting a silly word (like 'toilet', 'sausage bottom', 'ugly-face' etc.) for all the girly words he doesn't like in it (princess, fairy).

that's a good suggestion cant! DS1 would love that- I'll try it...

I suppose I can see him feeling intimidated about asking to switch the book as I imagine he thinks the answer would be no. And, I can see why the answer would be no. So perhaps it's more an issue of him being a bit stubborn? I mean, not wanting to ask about that is perhaps different than something like needing help with his work or telling them he's not feeling well... dunno...

This sounds so like my DS in year 2 - worries so much about things, have to reassure him til I get cross on days like non-uniform days that I have read the letter right, it is home clothes today... We've had issues of mild bullying and I have gone in but like you beginning to feel that I shouldn't. I think being six he does make things sound more dramatic than they are and more than once I've felt a bit silly. Told me recently he'd been bitten once by older girl, saw head the next morning in the playground and mentioned it without making big deal of it. She spoke to DS he said to her, all embarrassed, that it was just 'a trick' which is his way of trying to wriggle out of it. She said wisely there was no smoke without fire and said she'd keep an eye on him. I'm left not knowing if it happened and now worrying he won't mention awful things to me in case I rush to head! But I haven't seen any bitemarks.... I hate the ethos that seems to prevail among some staff - particularly the lunch assistants i find - that the knockaround and mild bullying is part of school life but then I don't want to over-react either. So no advice, but do sympathise!

I think I would have a word with the teacher and tell her you think that maybe he needs to start standing up for himself a bit more so although you are obviously there for him, you are going to try and back off a bit and see how it goes. Get her onside and ask her to let you know if that approach doesn't seem to be working.

I did something similar last year with my dyslexic son in Y4 - I felt like I had spent his school life sorting things out (not friendship stuff which he was perfectly able to manage himself, but more teachers expectations, homework etc.). His anxiety levels about things were really high, but I think part of it was about feeling like he had no control. He had a really successful year and has emerged much more confident and capable this year.