DD upset because she wasn't picked again, how to deal with it?

[clayre]

Dd is nearly 7 and in P2, she is in a mixed P1/2 class and seems to be plodding along fine but the same to girls in her class are chosen to take part in things, today it was the poetry competition, they were the only 2 that done it last year too, they were the only girls in the class to be in the schools nativity play at christmas.

Dd came home today and was really really upset, not that she hadnt been picked but the same 2 girls had been picked again, i didnt know what to say to her, i have my own thoughts about her not getting picked as she doesnt look the part, she is more than capable at doing these things although i do believe she is not the best in her class.

How would/do you deal with this, what can i say to her to make it better?

thanks.

i would say nothing more than the usual reassurances.

she's year 2....many more years of this sort of thing ahead of her....she needs to learn to cope with it.

it's shite isn't it

dd has been for school council, eco council, everyotherthing council every year and has never got one place and she is yr5 now lol!

I told her when she gets to her teenage years, they'll be begging for volunteers (by which time she would have lost hope )

not everyone can be chosen, life can seem unfair and it's just a lesson they learn!

it is shite!

shes in P2 which i think is year 1

i just feel really sorry for her, i couldnt even lie and say she would be picked next time

nope but one thing you can tell her for sure is that if she doesn't go for it again, she definitely won't get it

and you can tell her that you are unbelievably proud that she keeps trying even though she doesn't get picked because that shows great determination and determination is a wonderful thing

(then quietly curse the 2 who get picked for everything under your breath and keep smiling)

thanks, have been doing lots of quiet cursing!

tbh clayre, I did, this year, say to dd, why don't you think you get picked for these things

and she said 'x and y (who are always getting picked) are louder and more pushy' so I think they get the gist of it as they get older!

dd says they are the teachers favourite which i thought was quite sad, i think its because she is the oldest and tallest in the class (head and shoulders above) and doesnt look the part for going on public display, i would never say that to her she is already aware of her height.

does she do gymnastics? she's about the right age to really enjoy it. I find the clubs are good for children who make an effort.

we have took her to toddler gymnastics but all she wanted to do was join my neices dance class so as soon as she was old enough she started the dance class and has threw herself into that.

ah yes, that's good. I'm glad she has something she can throw herself into and enjoy!

My DSs schools always seem to pick the 'dead certs'. esp for public displays.

The same 3 or 4 DCs ALWAYS got the plumb roles in all the school productions as the teachers knew these DCs were less likely to get stage fright or screw it up- a self fulfilling prophesy, of course, as these same DCs got all the experience!

Admittedly, when I saw these DCs performing and compared them to what MY DSs would have been like, I realise why they were chosen!

Tis life it seems.

at primary school i was always the bloody 'narrator' in the play AND put in for poetry competitions.

it's not that great. i didn't like it much. i wanted a pretty part in the play wafting around like a princess but i was ALWAYS the bloody narrator because i could read very well, annunciate well, speak up and remember loads of lines.

that's just how it is.

Tell her the teacher feels sorry for the other 2 girls because they aren't as pretty/clever

I agree with ampere. The children who invariably got picked for leading roles in the school play were actually the ones who were very good at it (shouldn't be at all surprised to see one of them on the telly in 20 years time). Of course it's sad that the other children aren't getting the experience, but as the mother of one of the "other" children I don't think I'd be helping her a lot by encouraging her to think of it as somebody being unfair or resenting other children as teacher's favourites. What I have tried doing instead is saying, well if you are really interested we can always work on your drama elsewhere; the school play isn't the only stab you will ever get at this. Dd at 13 is still not getting top parts, but she has learnt a lot from her drama class and is thoroughly enjoying it. And is liked by her friends because of her generous nature (i.e. the knowledge that I will sit on her head if she whinges).

Ds lives for football. He knows he hasn't got a chance to be picked for the school team, but there is non-competitive soccer club and he can play with his mates.

If you follow SnowDragon's advice (presumably tongue in cheek) you and she may both have to live with the fallout of her informing the other little girl that "My Mummy says you only get these parts because you're not pretty and clever and the teacher feels sorry for you".

lol SnowDragon, i can the imagine the fall out from that with dd's big mouth!

I know that the 2 girls that get picked are probably much better than dd at these things i just dont want to say that to her and shatter her confidence!

I think one thing we do have to learn as parents is ways of conveying this obvious fact- some people are better at some things than you- so that it does not shatter their confidence. Otherwise, it will become the huge elephant in the corner that takes on greater and greater importance because it's SOOO scary that nobody dares mention it.

I have tried to be very matter of fact about it. 'Yes, Matthew is very good at drama.' And then as an afterthought: 'Would you like to work on yours?'

What I want to avoid is a situation where they think I expect them to be shattered if someone else is better or faster or cleverer than them. I also let them see that I can be laidback about people being cleverer than me, and that it doesn't stop me from enjoying activities where I am outperformed.

DD1 is in Year 6 and despite being upper ability and a confident speaker has never been chosen for anything. She has only ever had the odd line in the school plays, usually she is 3rd roman guard from the left or member of the crowd!

Dd2 is always picked for things ! She has had the lead role in 2 out of the 3 plays she has been in. She has also been chosed to be on the radio and is on the school council. She has won several competitions too.

I think it just goes that way sometimes, I was never picked for anything at school but DH was alwys picked apparently!

Such is life!

After all, presumably your dd has to deal with the fact that somebody is better or faster than her at some school subjects? Or if she is top of the school in everything, then all the other children have to bear up without having their confidence shattered. I think sometimes parents can get more competitive about things like nativity plays than about A-levels, but really it's up to us how much we let that shine through.

Obviously that should be chosen not chosed!

When DS1 was in year 6 they picked a boy who had never been picked for anything to play the lead in the leavers assembly. He was good. His mum was beside herself with pride. But you should have heard the complaints of some of the mums whose DS's had had previously had big roles when their sons were picked to be a pillar!!!