What do I say to the teacher without sounding confrontational?

[Linnet]

My dd2 started primary 1 Last August. The school runs a system in each class where everyone starts on green and if you misbehave you get moved down through yellow,orange,red etc.

Dd2 is not an angel, I know this and I accept this but almost everyday she comes out of school with a story of how this happened and that happened and although it wasn't her fault her name was moved down, only ever as far as yellow, so not majorly bad stuff. Sometimes dh and I are a bit thinking that she probably was involved but of course only know her side of the story.

Once again today she has come out of school with a story of how a boy did something and blamed dd2 and her friend and the teacher moved all their names down.

Now I'm all for encouraging good behaviour and I appreciate that little children can and do misbehave but I'm starting to get the feeling that if something happens and dd2 is nearby or inadvertantly involved she gets her named moved down. As I said she's not an angel and I know there will be times when she deserves to get her name moved but after todays story I'm planning on going in and speaking to the teacher.

There have been other things happen in class as well that I'm going to mention because I feel it's all just mounting up. Things have gone missing out of her bag, her pencil case disappeared before Christmas and reappered last week with everything that was in it missing, things have also gone missing from her tray.

Dh wants me to go in and demand that they move her to the other P1 class but I don't want to be to hasty.

I've never had to go in and speak to a teacher before and I don't want to be confrontational like I said, but I'm not sure what to say to her.

Should I just say everything I've put here and express my concerns about all the things that keep happening? Should I insist on her being moved to the other class?

Does anyone have any advice on speaking to teachers?

You want to work in partnership with the teacher. So maybe go in and say that your dc is upset she keeps being moved to yellow, you know it may take time for them to learn how school expects them to behave and how can you help her remain on green. Hopefully that gives you chance to talk over with the teacher what is going on. Walking in demanding things is often not the way to go unless something is really bad the do it in writing to the head officially so they have to reply officially

i think you should maybe go in supposing that it's your DD that is wrong and see if the teacher can explain what's going on.

if you say to the teacher, DD doesn't really understand why she keeps getting moved to yellow, she really feels that it was another child a lot of the time... you can then ask the teacher to explain to you a couple of examples.. and ask the teacher to explain in future more clearly to DD why exactly she is being moved down.

perhaps being asked to explain more will make the teacher think harder about whether your DD has actually deserved to move down or not.
or if your DD really is at fault she'll understand better how to avoid trouble in future (e.g. stay away from other kids who cause trouble).

Linnet, I'm sorry to hear your DD is having such a hard time but, as a primary teacher myself, it really won't help to go in all guns blazing and nothing guarantees getting a teacher's back up more!

As others have said, go in and ask to speak to her - if she's a teacher worth her salt she will welcome the opportunity to work with you to find ways to help your dd stay out of trouble if that is what's happening.

Mention to her all that you have mentioned here and hopefully things can be sorted without the drastic step of moving her - the problems could just move with her .

If you get no luck, then ask to speak to the head.

Good luck.

like spngebrain said, just go in and speak to her, without saying you think your DD doesn't deserve to get moved to yellow (coz actually you have no idea how your DD behaves in school, children don;t always act the way they act at home).

As for things going missing, well that is just part of school life and not something you can really blame on the teacher.

Do they have a chart going the opposite way, i.e. for good behaviour? What a negative classroom!

Thanks everyone
Swill72, no they don't have a chart going the other way. If they stay in the green for x amount of weeks, I forget how many, they get an extra special golden time.

I wasn't going to go in all guns blazing to the teacher, but thank you all for telling me not to. This is why I asked for help so I can arrange my thoughts.

I do want to work with the teacher and she is a nice teacher I like her and so does dd2. I'm just concerned with the stories dd2 comes out with about what is happening in the class but as someone said kids act differently in school than they do at home. I don't for one minute think that dd2 is an angel and is no way to blame for getting her name moved down, I'm sure most of the time it is her own fault. It was just what she said today about what happened made me think that it was maybe happening too often, maybe or maybe not for the wrong reasons.

Overmydeadbody, I'm not blaming the teacher for things going missing, but I feel that is also getting a little out of hand. Various little things have gone missing, like water bottles and tupperware tubs, which is very annoying but I accept this will happen in a school. But what bothers me most is that dd2 had a leotard in her schoolbag for an after school class and it went missing, from her bag. Now the bag is in the classroom the whole day which means that someone must have gone into the bag and taken it out. I went in and looked in the classroom for it and dd2 helped and so did the teacher when I told her what we looking for but it has never turned up. Then with her pencilcase going missing and then turning up empty I just feel that it needs to be mentioned again.

Thanks again for your help

I think its a good idea to meet the teacher to find out what your DD is doing to get moved down the traffic light system and what you can do at home to encourage to stay on green at school.

That way, the teacher won't get the feeling you are blaming her or questioning her. Instead, she will feel that she has you on her side.

Good luck.

I'd start by asking the teacher what she thinks. Is it quite usual for most of the children to move to yellow through the day or is dd the only one? Is dd just judging herself harshly?

I'd say that you are worried that dd seems to be feeling a bit de-motivated by the system and ask if the teacher feels there is a problem, is there a way that she could be rewarded for shorter term good behaviour?

I am very about the green /yellow system. It sounds as if they need to be 'good' for several days in order to get rewarded with extra golden time but 'bad' only once to go down. Small dcs need their good behaviour rewarded instantly (at the very least on the same day) if its going to be meaningful.

I work in a school which also uses the traffic light system. I guess there are lots of different versions but our latest version is to recognise those on green on a daily basis which is rewarded at the end of each week.
So far, its going well, but its only the 2nd week.
I do agree that good behaviour needs to be recognised and rewarded often and consistently too.

Oh yes - I also meant to say that you definitely should mention the disappearing property.

There is a difference between careless mislaying of the odd sock and the theft of a leotard and contents of a pencil case. The teacher needs to know it's going on and the childrden need to know that its totally unacceptable. (A high profile visit to the class from the Head Teacher saying she is VERY SAD because she has to tell them something VERY SERIOUS has happened usually impresses littlies!)

dd2 is not the only child to get her name moved down throughout the day. there are some others that get their name moved down to yellow. Sometimes it's for something as little as chattering while sitting on the carpet when they are supposed to be sitting quietly, having already been told once etc, you get the idea.

Some children, dd2 tells us, regularly get their name moved down to red, which is when they get sent to the headteacher. There are a few names that are mentioned almost every day for misbehaviour, guess what so and so did today etc these are the names that are quite often in red.

If they stay in the green for the week they get full golden time on a Friday, if they stay in green for I think it's 6 weeks they get a special golden time which is something like going to the park or making special Christmas decorations. If your name has been moved down you don't get full golden time on a Friday and when it comes to special golden time you don't get to go you just get to do normal golden time.

Having your name moved down for chattering after being told not to is surely standard? Ds used to get this all the time and it never occurred to me that he shouldn't. After all, how could the teacher conduct a lesson if he was constantly nattering?

Agree with other posters that the best way to tackle this is to ask for a meeting with the teacher and then to ask her how you can best support your DD at home to ensure that she learns to meet the behavioural expectations of the teacher ie go in with a presumption that the teacher is right.

Just by being supportive of the teacher, you will get her on your and your DD's side - she will have a higher opinion of your DD's behavioural potential if you demonstrate that your own standards are very high!

Another teacher here who's relieved that you're not going to take your DH's advice!

Ask the teacher if you can make an appointment to discuss your DD explaining that you'd like to work with the school to improve her behaviour. At the meeting you can ask her to explain how the traffic light system works, what your DD would have to do in order to be rewarded for her positive behaviour and ask if the teacher could send home a slip with straight face and each day and circle the one that best described your DD's day. I've used these for whole days but also sessions as some children have wonderful mornings but tricky afternoons and it's a shame to write off the whole day.

Raise the issue of the missing items and ask if the classroom is locked at lunchtime etc./if it could be or if there is somewhere safe that your daughter's belongings could be kept if it appears that she is being targetted (as opposed to her belongings being mixed up with another child's similar looking things, the personalised products are available through eBay these days - might be worth the investment?).

Ask if the teacher and you could sit down together to explain to DD how you are both going to help her with her behaviour so she knows you are united.

Good luck!

I have a smily face system with Ds's class teacher as I know that he can be challenging, but don't always get to see the teacher at the end of the day, but if there is his chart, I can get an immediate feeling for what his day has been like. His day is divided up into three sesssions and he can get a smily face for any or all of the sessions (or not!).