Moved my dcs to new school, now having regrets...arrggh!

[elliott]

Sorry this may be long...we moved house 2 years ago (not far, about a mile from old house) when ds1 was in yr 1 and ds2 in preschool. At the time they were at an undersubscribed city primary school with a mixed catchment, not fantastic results but a very creative, imaginative and inclusive ethos. I liked it, but it wasn't perfect and ds1 in particular was in a year group where he hadn't made many friends and where there wasn't much in the way of socialising (think about 2 party invites in 3 years...)
The school local to where we now live is one of the most sought after in the city, stuffed full of bright kids with supportive parents and much better results. We thought that it would be fine, if perhaps a little more conservative, and the ds's would be better off going to the local school and having friends round the corner, rather than traipsing a mile to school every day and always being on the edge of things socially. After much agonising, we moved them just over a year ago. They have settled in fine and are happy. ds1 has a nice bunch of friends, so that has worked out well.

HOWEVER. I find the new school dull, the teachers complacent at best, lazy at worst, and there is just very little of anything going on at all. Parents are discouraged from getting involved and are not even allowed past the threshold of the school without an escort...the ethos is very much one of control and containment in all things. Its really hard to get a handle on what is actually going on in the classroom - ds1 doesn't seem to be stretched or engaged academically - his homework is one really boring worksheet a week. Compared with their old school the opportunities for personal development and creativity are nil.
I feel really gutted about this- I agonised over the move and now I'm seriously considering moving them back (tail between legs and grovelling to the head who tried to persuade us not to go). I don't know what to do - am I just vacillating and creating unnecessary uncertainty? Is it enough that the ds's are happy? HAve I perhaps forgotten all the less good things about the other school and just feeling that the grass is greener?

Arrrgggh!!
OK, I don't expect you to be able to tell me what to do. But thanks for listening, and you can give me your advice anyway...

If my children were happy at the new school, then that would be enough for me. Friendships at school are important in my opinion.

Would you be able to be a parent helper in school, join the PTA or become a governor? This may give you an insight as to what goes on in school, and may put your mind at rest and help you feel more involved.

There is no perfect school. I think the grass is greener at the old school.

If your dc are happy then stick with it, you've got secondary school choice dilema to go through yet............

I'm at work so don't have time to commit to helping in class (only permitted if you sign up on a regular basis) or being a governor. The PTA exists only to raise cash.
I know that makes me sound like a whinger not prepared to actually engage to try and change things, but tbh I don't have the time or energy to take on something that is going to be a struggle and can't see the culture changing while the head is in place.
Sigh. I am grateful that they are happy. But they aren't gettign a lot of anything else that an education should resemble.
OFSTED gradings suck -how this school got an 'outstanding' really beats me.

Well there isn't really a choice of secondary school - there is only one that we will get a place at and both primaries are feeders for it. Though at their current school only about 25% go on to the state school so they will lose some of their friends anyway.
But yes perhaps I would be dissatisfied whatever. And the main reason why we moved them (to have local friends) has worked out really well - they both have some very good friends within walking distance.

You know, it could be so much worse - what you've gained socially you feel you've lost in other ways.
Not so bad in the scheme of things.

I'd say at such a young age the social advantages outweigh any disadvantages (within reason).

There are so many threads here from people in truly distressing situations; it's not nice to feel regrets, but don't waste time on it - just let your DCs enjoy the short time they have to muck around.

hmm, ok - so thats 100% consensus that I should just put up and count my blessings...
Which is what I was doing for most of the year, but just recently various things have happened which have really dismayed me and made me realise that no, its not just a communication thing, there really is nothing going on and a strong anti-parental involvement culture. And seeing the old school newsletter at a friend's house complete with pictures of proud children celebrating achievement and an invitation to the parents to join their children at a Christmas lunch - both unthinkable at new school.
I don't want to spend the next 5 years wondering if I did the right thing. But yes of course there are worse things I could have to worry about.

You're a loon, you don't know when you're well off, Missis.

It would be hard, but may be you could go and see the head and tell him/her how you're feeling, even take the newsletter with you.

And about the PTA - you say they only exist to raise cash, but presumably they do this by some social means. Attending meetings would give you chance to meet teachers and share ideas (some of those from the last school). Normally PTAs are only too glad of a fresh face and some new ideas.

It's good that your children are settled and you could may be do your little bit to help things change. We have a culture of not complaining and putting up with things, but if noone speaks out, nothing will ever improve.

I know what you mean Elliott but I would think very carefully about moving your children back because it would be disruptive for them (a particular problem if you have a shy DS1). Also, all schools - even the best - have their share of less talented teachers. There is no guarantee that all the teachers in the original school would be as good as the ones your DS's had when they were there before.

Instead, I would take stock of what is wrong with the current school and try to make up for it at home. If his work sheets are boring - you can supplement them with other activities you have downloaded from the internet. Getting less homework gives your DS's time to do an after school activity (if they aren't too tired).

the children being happy is far more important than the curriculum imo.

you can always do extra stuff with him at home to challange him, you can't create friends out of thin air if he had none in the other school.

hmm, I'm sorry you're struggling with this - I can imagine myself getting my knickers in a twist in exactly the same way. But this looks like a 'be careful what you wish for' scenario to me. You say that one of the draws was that the new school gets better (SATS presumably) results than the old - well how did you think they were managing that? Not by letting children's creativity flourish and fostering their personal development, that's for sure. The whole way SATS are designed and function militates against that. But no doubt you know that, and that's part of why you're beating yourself up.

I am going to go against the flow a bit, because the old school sounds much more attractive to me. What we are not getting a sense for though is just how far from 'perfect' it was, apart from the social life aspect (which does sound like quite a big problem). Maybe you could sit down and draw up a list of the pros and cons of each school and try to evaluate them coolly?

Do you have a dp/dh? if so, what does he think?

Thanks for the further comments (though that is the first time I've been called a loon on mumsnet - this isnt AIBU you know!)
The PTA doesn't function in the way some of you assume. I don't think they have regular meetings - there was one a while ago but it was during the working day and teachers aren't involved in PTA activities.
Zazette, yes you have got it spot on. I wasn't really 'drawn' by the SATS as I know they are mainly determined by the intake and don't reflect the quality of the school. I suppose I thought it would be slightly less lively than the old school, but wasn't prepared for there to be so little to be positive about. and a few things have happenend this term that have really concerned me.
I think a list might help. DH is probably more pro the old school than me - it was really me who argued for moving them
I guess the most likely outcome is that we'll keep them there and try to continue to do more interesting things outside school.
I'm certainly very reluctant to disrupt them again and would only move them if ds1 in particular was fully in agreement with the idea. When we've discussed it before he generally says he likes the schools equally (he was never really bothered by not having friends tbh).

Elliott - I am sorry the new school isn't working out for you. You sound very unhappy and I can understand that because I am also experiencing the same feelings about my daughter's school. I don't know what advice to give you because I haven't found the answer yet. My daughter is ok but isn't that excited by it all and not 'loving' school in the way I thought she would. I think feeling part of your child's education is extremely important during primary school. I was naive to think primary school teachers wanted that and realised how important it is for childrens' well being and academic progress. I would suggest badgering the PCTA a bit; that's what I intend to do. Have you made any friends with the other mums? There may be other paople who feel exactly the same as you but are afraid to speak out. Good Luck