Come talk to me about moving schools, pls

[pedaltothemetal]

We've never been happy with the school our dc's attend, but we've plodded along always hoping things would improve. We are now seriously considering moving. Ds (Yr2) has never really made friends - it seems to be getting worse and we can't really see a way around it.

He's a unique wee soul, kind, gentle and very loving - all the other boys in the class (and I know them all well) would be best described as Alpha males, we've done the playdates thing and that made it worse - those boys who started off quiet in Reception are now competitive and strong willed(I'm being generous here). Whatever boys saw him as vague friend in Yr 1 have now abandoned him - he's feeling low but putting a brave face on it. He hangs out with the girls but that comes with its own issues as he never gets invited on playdates or to any birthday parties.

He really would benefit from being in a less testosterone driven environment, with at least a couple of other boys who he could relax with.

My OH feels reluctant to make the move for fear that the new school is as bad (how would we know? parents are often reluctant to divulge -ve info) and he worries about the effect of changing schools will have on a little boy whose social skills are already our biggested worry and he worries about our dd who is perfectly happy at our current school but she'd have to move due to logistics of drop off. We will of course go to see the school but that might not be enough to convince my OH that it's not better the devil you know.

Words of wisdom welcome

Wise words might be a bit hurtful. It worries me that "all the other boys in the class are...". What, all of them? Your DS is the only kind, gentle & loving boy? Really?

I think you need to be completely objective & honest. Is your DS a victim of circumstance (in which case a move might be great), or are there things about him that open him up to isolation?

There is a book called "The unwritten rules of friendship". Get hold of a copy and read it before you make decisions that affect both your children.

If he has some social skill weaknesses, you'd be doing him (and his sister) a huge disservice by moving him, imo.

Oh and if your did move your dcs how long did it take them to settle in their new school - roughly

The year is known throughout the school for its very boisterous element.

I have read the book you mentioned, we tried somethings but not much has improved. My Oh is concerned that this isolation is partly due to his personality and that a move won't change things, but he also acknowledges that there isn't a good friendship match for ds in the class - they are all into rough 'n' tumble and football and ds is just not that kind of boy.

You need to check out the possible new school carefully, try and talk to parents and so on, but it could make a huge difference.

A good friend of mine has a DS who sounds very similar to yours - not boisterous/football playing, more gentle, arty, musical, dyslexic, gets on with girls, and was being bullied (not acknowledged by teachers) for the first two years at his school in a village on the outskirst of a city. She put him on the waiting list for another school in the city, with a much more mixed intake and lots of arty/offbeat parents.

When a place came up they were torn for all the reasons your DH gives, but decided to go for it. He settled in no time and is a much, much happier child. They also have logistical problems as a result (younger sibling still at old school, though on waiting list for new one) but feel it has absolutely been worth it.

Sometimes you just have to accept that a child just does not fit in with a particular school or year group, and if there is an alternative, it could make the difference between several years of misery and several years of a happy childhood.

I have a ds (Y1) who sounds very similar in personality to your ds, who is also in a class with mostly alpha-type boys. In reception he coped because he loved his teacher, but playtimes were tricky. Now he is in a class with 2 jobshare teachers,both of whom he seems to like ok but has not formed a bond with either. Playtime he says he mostly plays on his own . We are nearly at the end of the term and he doesn't seem to have connected with any children.
I too am unsure what to do next, so could I lurk on this thread?

Quick update: We've had a chat with the new Head regarding the situation (Our old Head was completely ineffective).

Seems she was already aware of the problem, has agreed that the boys in the class have unusually strong personalilties and that they are very cliquey. She has lots of things in mind to try and build new friendship bonds between children and we'll meet with her again in early spring for an update. It's lovely to finally have a Head teacher who listens.
We don't need to make a decision till mid-May.

Have you considered changing his class? I suppose it depends on the size of the school and whether you have people moving away. OTOH, will his whole class 'move' up together? My dd's first year went into the second together,for her third the classes were mixed. Mainly as a result of what you describe.

Moving class is not an option as it's a one form entry, so all classes have 30 kids of the same year group.

We have some time to evaluate how things are progressing, before making a decision to move. Head has already implemented some of the measures we talked about yesterday to help support ds but regardless of what she does she can't change the make up of the boys in that class but they will try to split them up.

Interestingly the Head reported that even the boys within the clique are not entirely happy with the situation, as she has had a few parents in to complain about bullying within the group.

So we feel slightly more assured that it's not ds that is the whole problem here. In an unrelated conversation yesterday, even the supervising dinner lady commented to me about how rowdy the boys were in that class.

I had to move my 2 DDs recently (not particularly out of choice, but we had to move area). It took the more confident DD about 1/2 term to settle, and my older more sensitive DD about 1 1/2 terms, i.e. half the year. But if your DS struggles a bit socially, it might take longer, or it might not help at all, so I can see your dilemma.
My two were very sad to move as they were happy where they were. How does your DS feel about moving? Have you asked him? Sounds like things might improve for him with the new head, I hope so.

We had same with ds1, He was one of 7 boys in a class of 15 at our vilage primary and we stuck with it. All of the other boys were alpha males and whilst lovely individually as a group were very challenging. He never really fitted in as he rides a lot and plays violin which made him different from other boys who were all football mad. He pushed himself into football in yrs 5 and 6, gave up riding as boys said it was for girls and weirdos. He was thoroughly miserable at the end with very little self confidence.

He has had 1 term at secondary which suits him down to the ground - he is riding again, has joined a strings group and is happy. Not suprisingly, the difficulties he had with friendships at primary have disappeared and whilst he will never be one of the clique he has made friends with similar boys and is so happy. We wish we had moved him and he wishes we had moved him.

What does your son feel about moving?

We haven't asked him about moving. I've asked him about whether he enjoys school and he's fairly low key about it. He compartmentalises his emotions and often does not want to talk for very long about things that upset him. I'm sure the prospect of moving school would worry him, but it would probably be worth it, as we feel he has little to lose. The bigger question is what impact would it have in our well settled dd - she absolutely will not want to move.

Poor you. And how do you find out what the children will be like in another school? Are you sure your current school is doing everything it can.?

Come and join us...we have some quiet souls (boys) in our dds class (although that is year 1).

Good luck with your thinking. Perhaps find a school with a two class entry which will give double the number of boys (15+15) to choose from.

Relationships in classes can be very strange. A boy in our year 2 left the school because of bullying but the children in that class look lovely. And there are other children that would be picked on first (due to strange clothes and disabilities who seem to perfectly fine)

My DS had terrible problems with similar sounding problems at his first school - boys very rough, lots of bullying etc - I took him out (for lots of other reasons as well) and HE'd him for a year

He then returned to a school for about 3/4 months and was ok

We then moved and he went to a new school again

The third school he has settled in really really well - there is such a difference in him - he is happy, he has slotted into the school - incidentally he is a football/sports mad little boy but is quite small for his age which as well as lots of other crap at the school affected his confidence.

I know a woman through Beavers whose child goes to the other school. Her child is a quiet kid, lacking in confidence - she stayed with him for 3 weeks when he joined, so I think she'll have a fair idea as to balance of personalities in the class. The school we would join has 2 - 3 classes per year. The down side is that it is not as academically strong although I think that is in part due to the different socio-economic make up of the school. Our current Head has highlighted poor SATs results as a reason not to move, but what good are excellent SATs when you are friendless.

I think that you should go with your gut instincts. If you dont think that your child is thriving in his school, it may be better to bite the bullet and move him. I moved around a lot of different schools as a child due to my parents work and it never did me any harm academically. Every school seems to have a different 'ethic' or 'feel' and it may be that the one at your sons school is not right for him.

As to the matter of making friends, it may be worth getting him into after school or weekend activities so that he can make friends there. Does he like any sports, music, dance, swimming? New friends may give him the confidence he needs to find his feet amongst his peers in his classroom. Goos luck!

Don't worry about the sats results - they are probably because of the mixed intake.

Find out how the brightest children do, and if they do well then you won't need to worry.

Your current school sounds poor; bright children (deduced from the good sats results) but poor behaviour. What are the teachers doing? And your head is being deceitful...he should know that sats results are related to intake.

And 2 - 3 classes per year gives lots of friendship opportunities.

My dd goes to a school with a mixed intake and poor sats results but she is doing very well. (Infact, the more I read these threads, the more impressed I become with her school!)