How can I encourage my daughter to be more independant ?

[teaparty]

Hi, my daughter is 4 years and 8 months old. She has a speech disorder and is developmentaly delayed by one year. She is in reception at the moment and I've noticed that she's the only one in her class that can't do up the toggles on her coat, get dressed by herself etc. She waits for the other children to help her. She's even had one of the gorls feeding her before now, I'm told.
I do feel a bit guilty, as I suppose I'm to blame for not encouraging her independance enough. I tend to do things for her without thinking. I'm also guilty of taking over to speed things up.
I really want to change things at home and give her the confidence to be more independant and to learn these basic skills. To be honest though, she is my only child, and I don't have much experience of other children. I'm not sure what's appropriate for her age. She has a very young sounding voice and a real baby face, so it's easy to think she's younger than she is IYKWIM.
I'd be really greatful for any info on what she should be doing for herself at her age, and how we can achieve it.
We have been practacing doing the toggles on her coat and she was really pleased when she finally achieved it and I gave her a sweet.
If you have any advice or tips, that would be great.

Of corse that's ment to be girls not gorls.
I also think she enjoys the attention of being mothered by the other children, I can imagine her playing up to it.

bump

dd is very petite but quite bright . She is still babied by others (now 8) - ie cast in role of baby at playtime, sometimes teased because her clothes are smaller than others -and has been since she started school. Now she gets quite frustrated by it and prefers to play by herself a lot of the time rather than be patronised . It is very sweet that her friends will help but may not be in your dd's best interest longer term. Can you teach her to say , "thank you but I can do it" for buttons etc or to ask an adult for help instead. dd couldn't do her coat zip for ages so I'm sure it isn't that unusual. With ds I had a outline of him stuck to the wardrobe. As and when he mastered dressing a particular clothing item we'd colour it in.

Being aware of it will be the first step. Now you need to make changes with a good clear intention.

Leave More Time. You're dead right, that will be key. It will be a completely counterproductive exercise to ask her to do things herself and then get stressed if after 10 mins she hasn't done it and you're going to be late. You'll have an edge in your voice or end up saying, look, I'll do it, and she's way less likely to try next time.

Same goes for her doing all the toggles up wrong, for example. At least the first time, let it go unless she's bothered by it, celebrate the acievement, and even more, the fact that she tried. I have a son with autism, any kid that's going to have to try harder than most needs to be trained and encouraged to be a dauntless trier.

Will pop back later.

Thanks LIZS, that's a great idea about the picture to colour in. That way, she'll be able to see her own progress.
I'll really need to work with her to make sure she can do more for herself first, as at the moment, she can't, so either the teacher or another child will help her.
I do think she enjoys the attention of being mothered at the moment, ethen though she's one of the oldest in her class. I don't think it's doing her any good, and the teacher is working on stopping it. I think there will come a time when she dosn't like it and, like your dd, it will upset her.

Thanks LIZS, that's a great idea about the picture to colour in. That way, she'll be able to see her own progress.
I'll really need to work with her to make sure she can do more for herself first, as at the moment, she can't, so either the teacher or another child will help her.
I do think she enjoys the attention of being mothered at the moment, ethen though she's one of the oldest in her class. I don't think it's doing her any good, and the teacher is working on stopping it. I think there will come a time when she dosn't like it and, like your dd, it will upset her.

I think everything slowly slowly.

Don't feed her at home and encourage her to get dressed as much as possible by herself even if it means getting up earlier.

She might not be able to get totally dressed and updressed but should be able to do some of it - (do they get changed for PE at school?)

Getting undressed and into pjs is eaiser and less time pressured in evening.

Star charts for progress.

Not sure why that post came up twice ?

Thank you Saintmaybe, you are right. I'll need to plan more carefully and make a concious effort. I'll set the alarm clock earlier. I might see if I can buy a doll or something with buttons to practice doing up and toggles etc. She has velcro on her shoes and is very pleased that she can do them by herself. She likes to put her own socks on, but never gets her heel in properly. Then it's uncomfortable for her, but she dosn't like me to help her with that.

Hi, yes they do get changed for P.E and she can manage getting her t.shirt and shorts on, but needs help to undo her buttons on her blowse. She sometimes puts both legs in one whole, but the teacher will help her if she struggles or talk her through it.
The strange thig is, I don't feed her at home. She's been feeding herself for about 2 years. I think she's just seeing what she can get away with.
She'd happily have all the girls in her class acting as her ladies in waiting.

She sounds like my dd2 who is now in Y2. Dd2 is a academic child, and is also very well behaved in class so you would think that parent's evenings would be a dream. Well they are, apart from the sigh from the teacher about her inability to change at PE. She probably could manage her buttons and tie (if she had an hour to spare), but not a chance in the time allocated.

At her school girls are not allowed to wear trousers. However, dd2 will not wear tights on PE days, because she says that it will ruin her life. There is not a hope of her being able to put on a pair of tights. So rain or snow she wears socks.

mad - I put dd in grey leggings with grey socks until she could put on her tights.

dd is 4.4 and in reception. She's reasonably bright with great fine motor skills - but absolutely cannot do or undo the top button on her shirt. She has just learnt to do up her coat zip - before that another child did it for her.

I don't think her skills level is so unusual - the problem is the habit of mothering and how to break that. Could the school cooperate with a sticker chart for doing some of these things for herself? I know some children at dd's school have charts for eating their dinner.

DD also not allowed to wear trouses - she's in year 1 - they are allowed to keep tights on for PE and she's just been putting her shorts on top of them, I think thats ok, its right at the end of school and it goes in the wash as soon as she gets home.
Alternatively she can wear leggings under skirt.

My daughter isn't alowed to wear trousers, it has to be a pinnifore and long, knee length socks. I think they are alowed navy tights in the winter, but I'm not sure. They are very strict on uniform.
The socks are easier to mannage than tights and the pinnafore is loose enough to put on without undoing the sholder buttons.
I think we'll have to work on her dressing abilities during the hollidays, when we're more relaxed.

ds2 is dyspraxic and took ages to learn how to dress himself - it's still a bit hit and miss at times, but much better than it was (he's just turned 10)

One of the things the OT suggested with all those practical skills he needed to master was to break things down into manageable chunks and start off by encouraging him to do just the last chunk, then work backwards by doing a bit more, then a bit more and eventually hey-presto, they're doing it by themselves

He still can't do buttons on jeans and I've chickened out of the agonising experience which I suspect learning to tie his shoe laces will prove to be (thank god for velcro) but we're getting there - when he was in reception he couldn't dress himself at all

I would allow more time for her to try to do things for herself at home. Try and find something else for you to do at the same time as otherwise there is most definitely the temptation to jump in and help. I find it so frustrating watching them try to do something and I am mentally willing them along. My 3 are very close together so I always start with the youngest (15months) who genuinely can't do things for himself. By the time I work my way up to the oldest (4.5) he has usually managed to do it for himself. It will be interesting to see how independent my youngest turns out to be having had me always do things for him!