Perfectionist child? What to do?

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I'm having problems with my 5 year old. She's into the first term of year 1 and at the moment she has melt downs if a piece of art work isn't quite right, or some writing is not as good as she's like. In reception she used to write things on her hand at school not on paper just to make sure it was right when she committed it to paper.
She doesn't like working with other children in class and whilst she is very friendly and has a great sense of fun I get frustrated when she's shy with other children - if other children are playing a game she is not interested in she'd rather wander around on her own than just join in what everyone else is doing.
I've tried to explain that she just needs to have a go and mistakes don't matter, they just help us learn but it doesn't seem to be helping - I think her "perfectionist" tendencies are actually hindering her learning at school.
Anyone else having the same or do I sound neurotic?

It might help if you show her that you make mistakes too and it's no big deal.

dd has been like that . She's now 8 and is becoming more accepting that she cannot always get it right first time. Her teachers have to remind her she is only human ! Even so she gets stressed, to the point of hysterics, when things go wrong even if out of her control.

and agree with Uriel - we couldn't find her fleece before school, on very cold day with outdoor games a few weeks back. I'd repacked her pe bag and could n't see it. Told her she needed to look for it at school as it wasn't the first time something had gone missing that week. Later I noticed it on a kitchen chair, I'd taken it out of her bag and not realised when repacking . I took it in and left it for her in the cloakroom with a note to say sorry. Her response later was "it's ok mummy , we all make mistakes !" lol

dd1 is like this, she is slowly getting better, but she really is her own worst enemy. Homework has been screwed up and thrown across the room if it isn't right. She also doesn't like trying new things in case she gets it wrong.

We are working on the concept of 'the only failure in life is not attempting something' as oppposed to gettting something wrong. Her school are very keen on this idea which also helps. In dd1's case her new teacher in yr2 seems to be suiting her and she is improving lots.

Telling her that having a go is what matters is good - but does this match her expereince?

I would say that she has learnt her perfectionism, she probably wasn't born with it.

Is she rewarded for having a go and making mistakes, or does she get attention and praise when she does things well/gets it right?

I have struggled with a similar issue with my dc - and it has been difficutl to acknowledge that actually we do tend to say well done/thats so good/you're so clever whenever he does something well. Trying to change to rewarding effort is a difficult thing to do, but I am finding it slowly ahs some results.

I found Alfie Cohen's Unconditional Parenting v intersting to read - although I really don't agree with everything he says, he has some very useful ideas that you can take on board.

Your DD sounds like my DS. He's 8, so I'm afraid they don't grow out of it quickly. Sorry.

I think he takes after his dad. DH gets frustrated easily. that's the word which made me interested in your OP. I wonder what you were like at that age?

(not meant meanly btw, but some characteristics are just hereditary, and it'll be ok)

Thanks everyone. I printed off a load of stuff from the internet about it and it's like a profile of both my husband and daughter! We're trying to make a real effort to make sure we praise on the "doing" rather than the end result, and encourage her to have a go at things.

Praising effort is the most important thing you can do as a parent, particularly if you have a bright child. If work comes easy to them and you praise the end result you will find that they don't get into the habit of making an effort. There will come a time in their school life where something isn't easy and they will come unstuck.

It is also good to say well done for the end result but emphasise the effort too.

Yes definitely tell her regularly that it is good to make mistakes. It is immensely satisfying (as well as educational) to get something wrong then work out yourself how to do it right.

My DC's primary school is very big on this, it has helped DD2's perfectionist tendencies a lot.

can completely identify with this.

ds is 5, but has really suffered with perfectionism already. it made him really unhappy last year. lots of tantrums and pictures/writing torn up.

spent the summer trying to help him understand what to do if things went wrong. lots of praise for himn when he crossed something out and started again. lots of laughing when silly Mummy did something wrong. lot of gold stars and sweeties for trying to do something.

he also learned to ride his bike with no stabilisers so that gave him a lot of confidence.

he will never grow out of this entrely so i really symnpathis with your situation - it does make him very unhappy.... but i think laughing at mistakes and seeking something (maybe physical) that they're good at can help?

I was that perfectionist child! And am now a perfectionist adult, I'm afraid - it's only really been having kids that has made me realise that "good enough" can sometimes be OK! And DS1 (6yo) is showing the same persinality traits, so yep, it's genetic. Loads of good ideas on this thread already, but just wanted to add a couple of things from my experience.

1. To reassure the OP, as I've been telling my mum for years, it's not your fault and it may be the case that nothing you say makes a difference sometimes. I remember very well totally ignoring all the "It doesn't matter" and "Good try" comments because actually I knew best and no-one else's opinion mattered .
2. Confidence is very important - if she knows she's really good at some things, not being perfect at others will matter a little less.
3. Dance and music really helped me - things that I could really enjoy where there was no right or wrong answer, and where practise is totally part of the activity.
4. As a couple of people have already said, laughing at your own mistakes and failings sets a really good example. It took me years, but I can now treat my total lack of hand-eye co-ordination and inability to park the car as funny!

Thanks everyone. It really helps to hear from other people and their ideas - extremely useful.