Hmm, slightly tricky situation with 8 y/o dd and her friend and the friend's mum who is my friend. Don't want to muck this up ... I know one of you will have the answer please

[bibbitybobbityhat]

Will try to be brief.

Tonight I noticed £2 of mine that has been lying around had gone missing. Asked the dc where it had got to in a calm and friendly manner (no accusations or anything), dd finally confessed she had taken it. There was a trembling bottom lip and so on. She took it because, she says, she was at her friend's house earlier, they were playing in the garden, dd threw a little toy (imagine Littlest PetShop type thing) and it accidentally landed in the branch of a tree. Friend shook the tree and it fell into neighbour's garden. Neighbour was called to look for the toy but he couldn't find it.

So dd's friend said dd now owes her £2 and she doesn't want her Mum to know. Dd doesn't have any money of her own atm, she spent all her pocket money when she was out with dh at the weekend, so this is why she took my money.

Dd's friend's mum is a good friend of mine and I'm sure she would be mortified if she knew her dd had said this to my dd (they have been good friends for a long time) but should I mention it? I'm not sure dd should pay the £2 - or do you think she should?

Sorry its long, trying to include all details .

Ooh blimey. I have no idea really - when my DCs have friends to play it is on the basis that any of their toys might end up broken and they should put anything special away.

I think I'd talk to the other mum seeing as she is a good friend.

disclaimer: my eldest is only 4, I have no experience of 8yo friendships.

I would say to your DD that you will talk to her friend's mum re replacing the toy. Emphasise to her that situations like this are not for her and her friend to sort out between themselves and that adults need to be told about them, no matter what her friend says to her.
Explain that she is not in trouble and her friend is not in trouble, but she must not listen to friends who tell her not to tell her parents about things.

Agree with LadyG. I would approach friend, preferably while both DDs were present and say, 'oh I'm really sorry about the toy DD lost yesterday.'

Other mum says 'oh xxx never mentioned it'.

'I'll replace it' says me

'Oh god don't bother, one less piece of plastic to clustter up my house'.

Don't grass on your DD's friend, but make it clear that she ain't getting the £2.

Yes, its the grassing on dd's friend that bothers me. Otoh, I don't want the friend pestering my dd for that money either. She's quite a tough little cookie (two older teenage brothers) although my dd is usually able to stand up to her ...
I'm aware this sort of thing can escalate .

That's why it is really important to be straightforward about it now. Otherwise, the pattern will be set of your DD's friend pressuring your DD to keep quiet about situations she feels uncomfortable with. It could escalate from "give me £2 to pay me back for my broken toy", to "steal that lipstick for me from Boots" by the time they are 11 or 12. You need to nip it in the bud now.

That's why you need to do it preferably when she's there, so that she understands that you and your DD discuss things and that you are a stronger force with your DD than she is.

Honestly I had a similar situation with my DD, same age and her friend. I actually grassed her up (in an innocent 'I've no idea what's going on here' way), but I was not particularly friends with her mum and at this point DD and her friend had had a big fall out and she was attempting a subtle kind of bullying so a diff case. They're now friends but on a different footing.

Good luck!

I think ladyglencora has hit it on the head. In any situation you want to be giving your dd the message that anybody - whether 8 or 80 years old - who tells her not to tell her mum about something should not be listened to and that most likely mum should be told precisely this siutation .

Tis a very good lesson re child abuse etc ( of course I'm not suggesting that this will ever be the case here but it s a good life lesson to absorb).

Me and Lady G - twins

Above all remember they're only 8, and just trying out the whole power thing over friends, it's normal, but start as you mean to go on!

I always knew there was another one of me out there somewhere
And they said they broke the mould...

Thank you everyone. It all makes perfect sense. Yes, Cat, I did say she could come to me and ask me for money and I would listen to any reasonable requests! I didn't make a big song and dance about her taking the money - tried to keep it light. They are still so little after all .

Your dd should tell her friend that she hasn't got any money to give her. Your dd should then offer to speak to you so that you could try to sort it out with her mum.

You should tell your dd that she has nothing to feel bad about, accidents happen and that you will fully support her in trying to sort it out.