Ds 5 bit another boy. What do I do? Sorry a bit long.

[MollieO]

Posted this in behavioural but no replies and as I spent the whole of last night in tears I could really do with some advice.

Ds in year 1. Bit another boy, left a red mark on boy's arm. Ds apologised to boy immediately and was sent to see the head.

I was called by his teacher and I spoke to ds that evening but couldn't find out why he had done what he did. I also emailed the boy's mother to add my apology.

Had a reply saying that I should know that ds pulled this boy's ear at rugby camp this summer and that he was very very upset and hurt. No one mentioned this to me at the time despite getting daily feedback from the coach.

Ds has never behaved like this with anyone else and didn't even retaliate when he was targetted by another boy repeatedly last year (I had a word with the teacher only after ds nearly lost a tooth).

What do I do? I have written to the class teacher to ask her to ensure that ds and the boy he hurt do not sit together in class. They don't play together so the only contact they will have would be in the classroom.

What else should I do? If someone's child had done something to ds that I didn't like I would have mentioned it when we next saw each other (she didn't).

It obviously concerns her and because of that it worries me. Her ds is bigger than my ds and I know that he slammed a door into ds's face at a birthday party the day before the rugby incident (I was told by another parent at the party as I only saw the aftermath). I haven't mentioned it to the boy's mother and I can't see a reason to, although in hindsight it might explain why ds's bad behaviour seems to be directed to this one child.

He is supposed to have a sleepover this week at another boy's house (both ds and other boy very very keen to do this). I am thinking I should cancel in case he does something bad there too. Not sure I can cope with anymore at the moment.

Find out in what situation he lashes out like this...it could be that another boy has a grip on him and won't let go until he bites. Ok, we all know that doesn't excuse biting but it may help you to understand why he's acting like this.

Good luck and I agree with MadBad - this too will pass.

The first time was in the classroom, this time it was on the way back from playtime. What gets me is they played perfectly nicely together yesterday. Ds got a house point today for helping another boy who had fallen over. That is the ds I know, not this badly behaved one.

The head is fab. She is kind but very firm - the boys adore her and are scared of her in equal measure.

I want the boy whose nursery teacher burst into tears on his last day because he was leaving. I feel like collecting him from school and never leaving the house again.

I will try giantkatestacks idea of getting him to draw what is upsetting him and making him behave like this. I feel so sad as he has now been labelled the naughtiest boy in the year and that will be a hard one to shake off no matter how good he is in the future.

MollieO, just wanted to say that we had a very similar situation to yours last year when DS was in Yr1. He bit another child in his class and I received a call from the head. To cut a long story short, we punished him by suspending all "treats"/TV/playdates etc for a week, he was really upset and remorseful, we thought that was the end of the story since it seemed totally out of character...and then he did it again!
After long discussions with him - probably far too long and in-depth for a 5yr old (!) - and his teacher we established that he needed help dealing with frustration/anger. We had just had a baby so with hidsight I think he may have been feeling unsettled/insecure. Whatever the reason he was developing a temper, and other children were noticing that he could be easily wound up and were acting on it....NOT that it condoned his actions in any way, I would point out! But we did talk to him about taking a deep breath, saying "leave me alone" firmly, or "don't do that" and walking away/telling a teacher before things got out of hand.
Luckily we had no more repeats...but your post does bring me back to one year ago...
Hang in there. You are doing the right things.

Aggression is nearly always a sign of insecurity.

I assume he is insecure from the change into year 1. Huge leap up and none of us understand why there wasn't more of a step up towards the end of last term. Not much I can do about that as they are all going through the same thing so I assume his teacher is aware of that. I think other children are misbehaving but of course not doing what ds is doing. We have already been told that ds's class is the worst the teacher has ever had.

Undercoverelephant your commment was spot on. Spoke to ds tonight and it seems he is getting wound up by other boys. I've told him to walk away or in circumstances like today's incident where he wasn't able to walk away (in a queue) he needs to take a deep breath and count to ten. One of the things that makes him cross in class apparently is getting stickers for good work . He has asked me to ask the teacher to draw a smiley face in his book instead! I hope we have sorted it but we shall see.

He has behaved beautifully this evening even though he is tired and we had over an hour's round trip to visit grandma in hospital.

Had a call from the mum of the boy he bit yesterday. She was very sweet and not concerned in the slightest as she has seen it all before with her other children. She did reassure me where the other mum is concerned and said she is known for making a fuss and has done it before. Makes me feel a bit better and hopefully ds's behaviour will improve.

Ah, glad she called - hopefully this will put your mind at rest a little.
Re: stickers - it's funny what can irritate children - often the last thing you would expect! FYI at our school the sticker thing seems to have gone now that we are in yr 2 (I'm happy because I kept forgetting to remove them prior to washing DS' sweaters and would end up with paper mache in the machine!)

MollieO - glad the other mum was understanding - my ds is showing his anxiety about going into year 1 by not making it to the toilet sometimes and hes nearly 6 - they all have their own problems.

Who told you about the 'worst class' thing - thats quite unprofessional isnt it?

His teacher said they were the worst class she'd had when we attended the curriculum meeting last week. Apparently they don't listen, have appalling table manners and don't say please and thank you. Ds is definitely in the not listening category - it would require him actually to stop talking to hear what she says. He has always had excellent table manners and please/thank yous so I know that the entire class isn't badly behaved.

She has a reputation for being very shouty but from what I can gather from mums of older boys she is one of the most popular teachers. It just takes a while for her to win her new class round.

I am finding it especially difficult because in Reception ds was viewed as a model pupil and one of the most helpful in the class. Now he is the worst of the worse and is sitting on the chair closest to the teacher. Does make me very tbh. I was in tears at school this morning as ds was sobbing and not wanting to stay. He had to be peeled off me. I was crying when I apologised to the boy ds bit yesterday's father . Probably why 10 mins later I got a call from that boy's mum, which was lovely.

oh MollieO - its just awful isnt it...my ds has been brought round by the fact that now they are classed as juniors they get to do clubs every evening if they want after school as well as judo (the excitement) - is there anything like that at yours?

Mine doesnt listen either - he's a study in ignoring - I used to think it was shyness but now I'm not so sure.

I bet the teacher says that every year you know...

Did your ds see you in tears?

I would think maybe your son is more upset than you realise about Grandma being in hospital. I totally agree with the drawing suggestion. I have often done this with children (am a reception teacher.) Does he know any strategies if other children are doing things that he doesn't like? For example, saying clearly, "Stop. I don't like it." and holding his hand up to reinforce the point. That is what we teach ours to do. If this really is totally out of character there must be a reason for it. Maybe the teacher can talk to him and try to discover what's going on? I know you feel disappointed in your DS's behaviour but he is only little and perhaps he's trying to handle a situation he doesn't yet have the skills to deal with? SOmetimes when mine say it was an accident, they mean, " I got so cross I couldn't help myself." I wonder if he felt like that too?

The sort of behaviour the year 1 teacher is describing sounds completely normal to me. Dd1's year 1 teacher wouldn't even have bothered mentioning it as she would expect all that, and her school is really strict on manners/behaviour.

Year 1 teachers do seem to have a reputation as being dragons and most children do have to get used to a new way of working. I know that dd1 had trouble this time last year but she got through it.

Please remember your son is still little and the school need to be helping him in learning strategies to deal with his frustration. Unfortunately, the other children will wind him up if they know they can get a reaction, particularly if they know it gets him in trouble and not them.

Hmmm, sorry, just re read properly rather than speed reading. There shouldn't be a massive step up from reception to year 1. There really shouldn't. If there is, it isn't the reception teacher's fault. Year 1 should look very like reception for AT LEAST the first term. I know you're all going to be amazed but it is government advice (and for once government advice I agree with!)There's even a government document on it - 'Continuing the Learning Journey'. It's been around for some time - since 2005 I think.

So, if you son is dealing with Grandma being in hospital and school being dramatically different he probably is feeling a little insecure and settled at the moment. Not much you can do about it I guess, but I find it helps to understand the reasons why. Then you can work on sorting out a solution.

Sorry, these are my wafflings really, and don't contribute much to you helping DS do they?

Ds was fine at the hospital last night and was also upset this morning as I said we wouldn't be visiting her tonight. We've been every day since she went in and she is unlikely to come home before the end of the week so one night off won't hurt. It makes it a very long day. Ds didn't get to bed until 9pm last night and his bedtime is usually 7.30pm.

We had a discussion about strategies for coping if he is cross or upset and the teacher isn't around. I do think he is being deliberately wound up. He is one of the youngest and some of the other children just seem a bit more knowing than him.

Everyone has said that their ds has found the new class a struggle so I know ds is one of several in that respect but he is the only one who has demonstrated that by biting and he is the only boy who has seen the head so far this term.

sarararararh I will try your suggestion tonight. So far he knows to tell a teacher if someone does something he doesn't like, I've told him to say 'I don't like that' and walk away and also taking a deep breath and counting to 10.

He does seem to have lost a lot of confidence so we need to work on that too. I have been quite shouty recently too so we made up our own house rules last night which includes no shouting amongst other things. We had a lovely morning today with ds making our breakfast but then disintegrated when we got to school.

Well I really hope that we've turned a corner. Spoke to ds's teacher and discovered that the 'missing playtime' punishment I had encouraged his teacher to implement today (she was going to leave it) actually was 'missing playtime and stand outside the staffroom door'. Poor ds was absolutely mortified. I'd assumed he'd be sitting in the classroom . I hope that the social embarrasment will be enough for him to see the error of his ways.

I hope things will continue to get better for you and your son, Mollie.

Sararararah's advice looks spot-on to me. One other thing I had been puzzling over - is this a class only of boys? I ask only because I think the social dynamic of a class entirely of boys is different from one all of girls or a mixed class, especially at the age of 5. I hope the teacher will help your son with some coping/managing strategies.

And how about you? Do you have a supply of wine, chocolate or a good book for a small treat?

Sounds like the school has handled this in much the same way ours did. It worked very well for us, so I hope it does for you too.

I'd bet this is just a phase. From a parent's perspective it's a real eye-opener to hear your child criticised by the outside world, especially if it is your first or only child! Up until my DS' biting incidents last year I'd only ever heard people say nice things about him, which you obviously take to heart. So when they tell you otherwise you are equally upset and take it personally (well I did, anyway!)

I definitely learnt a lesson in letting go and accepting that my DS is his own person and isn't controlled by me. I can guide, advise and worry nurture, but I can't be there telling him what to do 24 hours a day!

Sorry, this was meant to be about you, not me. Hope all works out for the best.

All boys school but I think they are pretty hot on discipline. I've always been of the view that ds should fight his own battles (metaphorically speaking) and I feel strongly that I am there to reinforce whatever the school do. I think ds is lovely but I'm always surprised when I meet other people who think the same .

I have absolutely no problems with him being disciplined at school but I am sad that he has let himself down. I hope he does pull his socks up and goes on to shine this year like I know he can. I'm glad that we don't have parents' evening until after half term.