Tactics please! - DD reluctant to go to school (reception)

[SparklyPrincess]

Hi, we're having some trouble with DD settling into school. It's only been a few days, I know, but I'm looking for some advice to ways for me to handle this to make the process as smooth as I can for her.

Basically there's a lot of moaning and whinging and 'I don't want to go'. She's mostly negative when telling me about her day (I don't push her for details) but there are some sparks of enthusiasm.

The drop off goes with lots of screaming, and she woke in the night upset about it last night. When I pick her up she's been fine but just keeps on about not liking stuff.

However, once she's at school she's fine within minutes, doesn't show nerves (and it's obvious if she is!) and joins in with everything quite happily.

I'm feeling like a bit of a broken record with the sprightly 'School's fun!' monologue and she only responds with 'but I don't like it ...'

So, what can I do or say to persuade her that it's ok. It's kind of frustrating that her teachers get the cheerful side of her and I get Moaning Minnie!

Thanks for any help!

I was where you are last year. DS2 didn't do much screaming at the door, he saved the tears for me in the mornings as he was getting ready and at bedtime and I virtually had to drag him there sometimes. Bridery helped - planning something nice for after school.

The way we coped with drop offs was to leave him at the door, handing him over to the TA who is waiting there to greet everybody. I didn't go into the class room except on the first day and it isn't encouraged as parents get in the way of the teacher greeting and settling the children. Of course not all school do it that way but the quicker the withdrawal the better. Going as late as possible is helpful because then there is no hanging around.

Always say goodbye but keep it brief. Don't just disappear.

Try and find out what particularly the child doesn't like about the school day. My DS didn't like lunchtimes either. He didn't like the noise or being forced to eat his lunch quickly and to eat it all when he is a slow eater. I asked the school to not hassle him and I cut down his lunch to the bearest minimum and this helped a bit. But it never quite went away, probably because of the noise and then, perversely, the silence as the dinner ladies make them eat in silence if they get too noisy. I even got to the stage of getting agreement to come and pick him up to have lunch at home. Miraculously, he was fine the moment I had it all arranged.

Allied to this is making sure they understand the routine, they know where everything is (esp. the toilet and when they are allowed to go) and what they should be doing. Difficult for us as parents to know and you don't to ask too many probing questions as they can end up inventing things.

Let them know that it isn't every day forever, they do get weekends and holidays. DS found it more bearable to know that he would get 2 days off if he just stuck it out for a couple of days.

I tried to only ask what the good bits of the day were unless DS was visibly upset. It stayed a positive thing then.

Do you have a day when you can go into to school to see their work. We can pop in on a Thursday and just see what they have been doing. Loads of gushing praise about how lovely their work is and how well they are doing helps, especially if the teacher joins in!

These things worked for us although all children are different.

For what it is worth, DS loves school now and can't wait to go in. It took at least a term before he was OK to go and another 2 terms before he actively liked it but we got there.

How was your dd when you dropped her off sparklyprincess?
It's so hard when they get upset isn't it, I seem to spend half the day worrying about this morning's drop off and the evening worrying about tomorrow's drop off!

She was a little better today, actually. Just a bit of low-level moaning this morning. I'm trying to be 'firm but fair' saying that she's got to go to school, but that I do understand she's worried. I tried the 'take something of mine in', but she wasn't having any of it!

When we actually got to school, she didn't cry at all. I think she was holding it in though. She was being so brave. I've bought her an activity book (she loves them!) as a treat today for being such a big girl.

I particularly enjoyed the irony that dd1 went in without crying, then dd2 bursts into tears as soon as we leave cos she wants to stay with her sister!

I'm going to have a chat with her teacher this afternoon, see what she's been up to.

That's exactly what I'm like, lemonmuffin. I think I need to work out an agenda for me and dd2 to take both our minds off it - particularly as dd1 is clearly fine once we've left her!

Sparklyprincess, so pleased to hear that your DD was a little less upset this morning. I really feel for you, it's so emotionally draining and stressful. DS is on countdown to the weekend, he asks every morning how many more days does he have to go school this week - he seems to be happier knowing that weekend is getting closer.

They had PE today for the first time today and DS chose not to take part, just sat at the side and watched everyone as he didnt want to get changed.

It's so nice to have you all to chat to as I seem to be the only parent at DS school having settling in issues and it's reassuring to know that I'm not the only one with a constant lump in her throat at school drop off.

Will be thinking of you all at 09:30 tomorrow x

Aw, bless him. DD hasn't had to deal with PE yet as this is her second week and I kept her at home on Friday. No tears again this morning although she refused to say goodbye and wouldn't look at me. I think she doesn't like getting upset but I hate to see her clam up like this. I went to speak to her teacher yesterday afternoon and she was telling me how much fun DD's been having, then I got to watch her playing in the courtyard for a while and she was fine, having a great time.

She was SO tired when she got home though, we're going to try putting her to bed a bit earlier tonight as she got properly over-tired by 7 last night and was in a right state!

Right, off to get DD2 from playgroup and hoping for no tears there too!

My ds struggles with Fridays. On the Friday of his first full week, we were both in tears and today was hard too. Last week however, he was on day 5 of collecting stickers for a trip to the theatre (Gruffalo). This worked a treat but for the expectation it created in other children. And we can't afford a weekly theatre trip.

I've dipped in to How to Talk and remember enough to give him space to talk about it but it is getting to be something he gets more attention on. 'Shush everyone (Dad and ds2), ds1 needs to talk about school'. He senses my anxiety and plays on it.

I'm determined to stay upbeat and positive but it would help to know more about what goes on in the day. But there are clearly kids with other, perhaps greater, needs about which the parents are chatting with teacher and TA.

Phew, its an emotional minefield. It'll get better, then harder, then better again.