DS's behaviour and meeting with Headteacher

[soopermum1]

DS is in reception. He's bright, energetic and getting on well academically at school, however, his behaviour is a cause for concern. He's always been rather, erm, challenging and I always seem to be the only mother at parties having to watch him like a hawk and step in frequently when he misbehaves. Last 2 parents evenings have been mainly discussions about his behaviour. He just seems to be the class clown and finds it funny being cheeky and disruptive.

When he was in nursery, the nursery had him assessed (without my knowledge at the time and the verdict was there was nothing wrong with him, he just needed a firm hand, which is what I agree with. I don't think there's any serious underlying issues just that he has a strong personality and gets overexcited, is immature and likes to perform for laughs.

The after school club he attends seem to regard him pretty highly and think he's just high spirited but no problem. the school seems to take a dimmer view of his behaviour.

Since the last parent's evening the teacher and I have struck up a weekly report on his bahviour in his homework book. Every day I remind him that he should behave and that I will be finding out if he hasn't and the reports back were reporting improvement. DS knew that I was aware, something I think he relied on before the weekly reports started, and actually started being enthusiastic about the book as he knew most weeks he would get a good reaction. He is also aware that I'll reinforce the school's discipline and punish him for bad behaviour.

So, all in all, we talk a lot about good behaviour. I think I've been interested, supportive of school discipline and involved and am trying really hard.

So, imagine my horror when I got a letter home saying he had broken school equipment and that the HT wanted to speak to me. Got the truth out of DS (eventually)and so now have to go in and talk to HT. Am mortified. Don't really know what else to do, but any tips would be good. The breaking of the equipment is out of character for him and as an isolated incident I probably wouldn't have been so upset, but this is not isolated and DS has been cheeky directly to HT before

Surely it was an accident?
He is in reception, FGS, why so much pressure on him?
Of course he finds it funny to be the class clown- he is 5!

No advice, but think I will be in the same position as you when my ds goes to school in Sept. Your description of your ds sounds very much like mine. Great in open spaces, very difficult to handle in places where he needs to conform. His older sister is absolutely no trouble, so it isn't just poor parenting on my part. My ds is determined, clever, kind but doesn't know when to stop sometimes. I love his energy, but I worry for his self-esteem at school.
Hope someone useful comes along soon to offer some wise words

yes, MrsR, the breaking of the school equipment sounds, from his description, accidental, that a piece of wood was wobbly and he was wobbling it. Haven't heard the school's version but my DS's version rings true. He's never broken anything on purpose before. Am not too worried about that part of it, just the catalogue of reports about bad behaviour. Appreciate he is only 5 but he needs to learn to toe the line. I suspect school's expecations are higher than e.g after school club's and after school club is a far less disciplined environment, but in every other way I've been pleased with the school and want him to settle down for his own sake as much as the other kid's in his class.

I understand, soopermum, I just feel like there are many (mainly) sprited boys who can't help but act on impulse and they are being made to feel wrong for acting on instinct.

It's dangerous self esteem wise and I just feel that if the school approached this situation in a different, perhaps more creative, way then it would be more constructive than being constantly 'in trouble'
if you see what I mean

mrsruffallo - I know what you mean. The early education system seems to suit girls stereotypes much better than boys, and I do fear boys being labelled very young as 'silly', 'troublesome' or 'not bright' simply because they are not yet able to sit and listen, which is still what is expected a lot of the time in reception classrooms.
Not only are these labels used by others, but eventually by the children themselves .
I wish I had an answer.

Yes, MrsR, I get what you mean about the 'always in trouble' tag, I remember it from my school days, there always seemed to be one boy in each class who was 'always in trouble' and thinking back on it they were really just 'spirited'. But I am concerned about him being labelled as such and am trying to work with him to break that cycle. The school and I do a lot of praising when his behaviour has been good and feedback over the last 2-3 months had been good but the school seems to be very big on discipline and it's bursting at the seams with kids so I presume they find it hard giving one child so much time telling him off when there's other kids needing attention. Maybe am projecting my fears on this meeting with HT next week.

soopermum, it sounds like you are doing what you can. I imagine he is a lovely boy,kind and funny as these boys usually are. I think testosterone can take over a bit when they are tired and this can cause accidents etc
Good luck with the head anyway, let us know what happens
( Can you tell I have a boy like this who will be starting school soon?)

Hi,

I know exactly how you feel. However, my son is undergoing assessment for adhd just now so the school do tend to give him a bit of slack.

The good thing is that they are working with you, especially with the weekly report on his behaviour (which our school won't do). I've definitely found up until now that working with the school helps too, which you seem to be doing.

My son gave the HT the V sign last week (such a nice brave boy!) so I do know how you feel. I don't have any words of wisdom for you, except to say that you're not alone out there. I feel when I get called up by the HT its ME thats in trouble! lol

Good luck, I hope it all goes well for you.

SOOPERMUM1... My ds is very similar and is 8 yrs now. He has been assessed for having mild ADHD...
I was constantly called in last year at his primary school for his bad behaviour. This year he is at a strict private Preps School and his teacher found him to be paying little attention to what she says. He has also showed signs of ADHD.. I have looked after kids for 30 years, i have a 21 and an 18 year old and was a nanny b4 that, so i am familiar with children and their behaviour. My ds is not spoilt and has a firm dose of disciplin from me when he needs it. I check his behaviour all the time , so its not like he is undisciplined. He has broken more things than my older 2 ever did and his listening skills are dreadful. Having said that, he is bright , intellegent, musical ( a Chorister in the Abbey here) and of course a live wire. He can be aggressive, destructive and very disobedient.... traits of ADHD i think.
Fear not, you are not alone. Get him checked out by the paediatric psychologist maybe and see what they say. Nothing ventured, nothing gained . Know how you feel and what you are going thro'. Keep us all posted. Good luck with the school.. !!

My younger son was a bit like this. His Y2 teacher put it in a very kind way. She said that some children need help with maths, some with reading, he's just a child that needs help with learning how to be in different situations. I thought that was a kind and truthful way of putting it. I had never thought of it like that before. Perhaps you could put it to the HT like that?

Just to add, on the whole he has no trouble with behaving, but he is a boy and, much as I didn't believe it before I had children or had so much to do with them, boys on the whole (without trying to generalise) are much more physical.

Also, he's only in reception FGS. Whatever kind of behaviour are they expecting? That of a junior school child?

ILJJ - that was a lovely thing for your DS's teacher to say. I will remember that for next year

SM1 - hope your chat with the HT goes OK - please let us know.