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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Why do schools seem to treat parents like they are idiots?

32 replies

InternationalFlight · 11/05/2009 10:41

Massive generalisation I know, but have had this so much and it really gets on my nerves.

Had a phone call a little while ago, to demand ask why ds is not at school. Obviously I was polite and effusive in my apologies for misunderstanding the 'letting us know' rule - I thought it was on the first day of absence, not every single day.

He was ill on Friday and is still recovering. I would have thought they could make an educated guess that as we are rarely late, he has a great attendance record and I am not a drug addled loon or something, that he is off because he is still ill.

I rang first thing on Friday to tell them.

I don't get the security element as it was a quarter to ten when they rang, and therefore unlikely he would be easy to trace had he run away or something...

Someone please shed any light on this sort of thing? It makes me feel very rebellious and angry. It's their tone as much as anything, as though I have broken some cardinal law of whatever.

And they have just stopped him sitting next to his best friend, after sitting them together all term because ds was quite new and this little boy didn't have any friends (he has AS) and they got on TOO well apparently. Honestly. What is their logic??

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londonone · 11/05/2009 11:43

Because the school has hundreds of children there may be 30 absent in a day. The secretary cannot individually go through each one analysing whether it is a "good" parent and making educated guesses, she would be there all day doing it. Add to that that many many parents DO NOT keep there contact info up to date so getting hold of them is a nightmare anyway, add on the pressure from the LEA about unexplained absences and then perhaps you won't be surprised at their attitude. They should probably make their policy clearer, but remember you have maybe 1,2 or 3 children to keep track of they have hundreds, Is it really so diificult to expect you to make a phone call so that the secretary doesn't have to make 30 or 40?

Seona1973 · 11/05/2009 11:52

it is the start of a new week though and anything could have happened over the weekend. I would have phoned in to let them know he hadnt recovered and given an idea of when he might return so they would know when to expect him back.

OrmIrian · 11/05/2009 11:54

It is annoying but they all do this I think. And a note when they go back in the case of DS#1's school.

melrose · 11/05/2009 11:56

Sounds reasonable to me. It is just courteous to let them know he is still unwell and will not be in. it is only going to take 30 seconds!

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 11/05/2009 12:00

If your DS was missing from school without your knowledge wouldn't you rather know at 9.45am than 3.15pm?
As others have said it is not the school secretary's job to make 'educated guesses' - the reason for absence needs to be recorded in the register.
I don't see why this is 'treating you like an idiot'.
As for the issue of who your DS sits next to - that is a matter of classroom management - children can't always sit next to their best friend. You are being unreasonable and a bit precious.

SoupDragon · 11/05/2009 12:03

I would have phoned again as it was after a weekend
He has been split up from his friend because they are distracting themselves and the class.

madwomanintheattic · 11/05/2009 12:03

as everyone else has done the attendance one , i'll take the other one. maybe as part of the AS child's IEP he has social targets to encourage interaction with other members of his peer group? the friendship of your ds is obviously a good thing for this little boy, but maybe they are trying to extend his development within formal classroom activities. maybe the little boy with AS was finding it difficult to concentrate on school type stuff with his friend next to him? they can still play together in the playground etc. i'd guess they aren't trying to split them up permanently lol, just trying to give each of them a better chance at concentrating in school/ social development.

oh, and school secretaries always have that tone if you step out of line. they are silky sweet if you keep to your side of the bargain lol. ours is ferocious.

Lancelottie · 11/05/2009 12:15

They may well have separated your son from the child with AS in order to force him to socialise. And they may be doing the other child a huge disfavour (speaking as parent of AS child here), so if you can keep the boys in contact outside school, that would be a great kindness.

(I still quake at the memory of having to insist that my son was allowed to be in the same cub patrol as his best mate, despite the leader booming that 'A SCOUT is a FRIEND to ALL SCOUTS!' -- well, fine, but this particular one was more selective!)

Original poster

InternationalFlight · 11/05/2009 12:30

ok, I probabl;y overreacted - I kind of knew as much, just wanted to vent as the secretary was, as you say Madwoman, a bit ferocious! I felt unsure what their policy was and it was like being told off as a child...you know what I mean. Makes me defensive but I know it's something I have to suck up.
Thanks for setting me straight.

Re the little boy - Madwoman and Lancelottie, thanks, it is such a shame as he is a dear little kid and ds was also lonely when he arrived. They decided actively to encourage a friendship, she told me weeks ago that they got on 'like a house on fire' - so now they chatter during lessons, well I would have thought this was quite a good thing as long as it could be contrained slightly to minimise disruption.

To ds it feels very sad. They set him up with this boy and now they won't let them spend time together - in ds's words, 'forever'

I do have a problem with this. That's probably because I only send him so he gets social interaction, though. I expect the other parents would prefer their children weren't distracted!!

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AramintaCane · 11/05/2009 13:02

InternationalFlight you did overeact a bit but we all do in relation to our kids. Also, I know what you mean about them treating parents like idiots. The teachers at DD2s school speak very very slowly when talking to us. The other day my dear friend who is a university professor was being told of the benefits of remembering to bring a water bottle. She had only forgotten on one day. It can be a bit them and us sometimes can't it.

Cammelia · 11/05/2009 13:10

I think all schools treat the parenst as though they are idiots not because they think we are but because its amazing how differently people can interpret the same piece of information. From having conversations with other mothers we sometimes have to seek clarification from the school because we are unsure as to the exact meaning. Also some of it is beacsue we don't know or understand the reason for a particular rule.

orangehead · 11/05/2009 13:16

The ones in are school office are dragons, they are just horrible. Look at you and speak to you like you are something on the bottom of thier shoe. I took the kids in 5 mins late once so had to go to the office. I was really poorly with my asthma, I looked and felt like death warmed up I was wheezing away and puffing on my inhaler and they still treated us like scum for being late

MollieO · 11/05/2009 14:21

Not my experience at all. Ds's school is lovely and the admin staff go out of their way to be helpful. I would have called as it is the beginning of the week. I would have expected ds's teacher to tell me why the seating was changed but I wouldn't expect to have a choice in something like that. If they are getting on 'too well' I would think that is a polite way of saying they are being disruptive.

Can't find your other thread. What happened about the lack of supervision problem?

Original poster

InternationalFlight · 11/05/2009 14:33

Hi Mollie...nothing happened. His teacher answered with a version of events that didn't match his description at all.

I replied saying as much and have not heard from her since.
I can't be bothered to go in every bl**dy day with a new problem, it's just pointless as at the end of the day I have no idea what they do at school and less control over it.

i am feeling very disenfranchised...but I am glad you have a nice school and nice admin staff.!

Ignore me folks, am having a bad day, I'll stop whinging now.

Thanks for all the replies.

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ICANDOTHAT · 11/05/2009 16:28

'School Secretaries' - we could start a thread on them. I'm sure ours sniff Tipex ....

morningsun · 11/05/2009 16:34

was this primary or secondary school IF?

Twinklenips · 11/05/2009 16:42

I'm a school secretary and I'm not a dragon

The reason you may not have got a call before 9.45 is that the registers have to come back from the classes and then gone through to count school lunches/packed lunches. It is only if there is a gap in the register with no preference that we're alerted that the teacher doesn't know if they're absent or not. We have a duty of care to ring just to make sure, even if they've been off previously. Well, that's how it works in our school anyway.

Original poster

InternationalFlight · 11/05/2009 17:47

Sorry Twink...as I said I was being a bit touchy about it. It was the way she spoke to me, that's hard to put across but it was sooooo condescending. I suppose they get used to speaking to children all day, I don't know...anyway sorry for having a go.
Morningsun - primary school. He's 5.

I'll make sure I ring them next time, every day...trouble is I get in a state about phoning in case I am being a nuisance, and in the past I've rung once and nobody's said anything about it even if he's been off for two weeks. (he was once)

So I was a bit surprised iyswim.
It just reminds me of our last school where they were really really horrible and threatened me with the welfare officer despite having an agreed absence situation

I am scarred by that a bit

OP posts:

morningsun · 11/05/2009 18:06

IF~I sympathise actually.
At 5 they do not have to phone to check he is safe,as they do at secondary school[in case of being awol or truanting~they send a group call text].
I think they are doing this to give you a slightly hard time to keep you on your toes and to keep their attendance figures up.
My ds was off friday and today~I called[actually,went in]on friday but not today as I used to call each day he was off and was told only need to do so on the first day.
Our school is lovely btw and I half thiught they might phone cos of sats assessments but they didn't [they never have] as I guess its obvious he is poorly from friday.

Original poster

InternationalFlight · 11/05/2009 19:32

Oh that's good Morningsun...I was starting to think I'd imagined their true motives

I'm surprised that yours haven't made a fuss it being sats week and all...must be a good bunch

Hope your boy is well soon...sending mine back tomorrow so I can get on with some DIY!!

OP posts:

katiestar · 12/05/2009 14:36

i think it is a safety thing that they ring and check if they don't know the reason for absence.Schools are very paranoid nowadays about 'losing' a child.A boy at our school once slipped off before registration and of course no one knew he was missing.

Original poster

InternationalFlight · 15/05/2009 10:17

Thanks Katie, that is quite salutary

However I have a further question...yesterday he was off again due to having thrown up about midnight on Wednesday (something he ate I think)

I rang at 9am to say he was off, and asked if I ought to ring again on Friday as I was going to keep him off in accordance witht he 48hr thingy.
She said 'are you saying he will be absent tomorrow?' and I said 'yes' and she said 'well in that case I will mark it in the register, and no you do not need to ring'.

Today I had a phone call at 10. It was the other secretary, saying she was just going through the register and noticed he is marked as 'absent'. Is he unwell?

why did she ask me that? I said, 'Yes I rang eysterday bla bla and ws told not to ring again'. She said 'but is he UNWELL?' so I said 'No he feels much better but I am sticking to the rules about d&v. Is that Ok?'
Finally she said 'Yes that's fine' and hung up.

I'm really confused. Is she trying to establish what to put, ie Authorised absence, Illness etc? and if so, why didn't the other secretary put it was illness yesterday?

OP posts:

hellywobs · 15/05/2009 17:59

At my son's school they say they don't want you to phone in - not until the third day! I think it's very very weird. And then they want you to send a letter, even though they have forms which you can fill in (which are much easier as I don't have a printer at home so can't send in a letter unless I've done it at work). I'm not supposed to, but I wait for the form (though my ds has only had one day off this school year).

hellywobs · 15/05/2009 18:01

And yes I know I could hand-write a letter but it's far more hassle than filling in their A5 form.

pointydog · 15/05/2009 18:11

is 'getting on TOO well' code for 'they talk all the time and it's getting annoying'?

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