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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Girls friendships - how do YOU survive them?!

22 replies

decena · 04/05/2009 18:49

I know this is a topic often raised but god, I just find myself getting so wound up about it!
My DD is 6 and only has 2 girls her age at her very small rural school.
Last week we had one girl round and they played fine together although she is very bossy then at the end of the day, I overheard her telling my DD about her secret club in the playground and she did not know if she wanted DD to join! She said she would think about it and my DD had to bring 2 pressies (meaningless little things) for her to school before she decides (ie bribery). I don't like my DD having to do this but otherwise she will not really have anyone else to play with. She sometimes plays with the younger kids but this is not ideal. My DD is a very mild girl who wouldn't say boo to a goose.
Now, we often have this other girl to play but her mum is very unsocial and never invites DD back to hers. I can see this girl being the Queen Bee and don't want my DD to be picked on but what can you do in such a small school?
My DD seems happy and rarely says anything about the playground, I have to be really careful in asking in case she picks up on my anxiety.
How I will survive the teenage years when the bitching really starts, I have no idea!
Other than large glasses of wine and chocolate (for me), any suggestions for DD and myself to survive the coming years?

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middymo · 04/05/2009 18:56

Sorry, this probably wont help, but if it were me I would move my child to a larger school, with a greater pool of friends to choose from.

It may help to have a word with the teacher about the "secret club" and what you have to do to join, and perhaps the teacher can keep an eye on it.

Original poster

decena · 04/05/2009 19:26

It is not possible to move to another school, if anything the other schools within driving distance are even smaller. It is just unfortunate that the intake for my daughters year has very few girls in it.

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 04/05/2009 19:32

I would actually move her to a larger school too. Small schools can have lots of advantages but the main downside is a very small friendship pool. As there are already problems they will get worse-some of them become big fish in a small pond. You wouldn't get the 'bring pressies to be in a club' in a large school-they could simply join someone else's club.

pointydog · 04/05/2009 19:33

how does your dd feel about it?

This isn't necessarily a big deal. Stay calm and breezy with your dd and don;t show your annoyance with the girl.

pointydog · 04/05/2009 19:34

well ime 'joining clubs' can be a bit of a minefield in any size of school

Original poster

decena · 04/05/2009 20:25

I would say again that it is not possible to move her to another school not without us moving house which we can't do. Academically the school is excellent so I would not want to move her anyway. Also then she would not be at the same school as the other village children. It is not like she is getting bullied or anything.
I agree with pointydog, there is always these things going on and I went to a big primary school and it was even worse, the whole class of 15 girls were then against the one girl!
I suppose really I am looking for reassurance that all girls go through this and as a mum, I need to get used to the worry.

OP posts:

ILiveinhope · 04/05/2009 20:36

I think that you know that you need to get used to it! However easier said than done.

I would speak to the head about the "secret club", but in addition to this I would look at clubs she can join outwith the school circle.

Rainbows and Brownies. Any clubs at the local library. Drama classes on offer at local towns.

Broaden her friendship group outside the school, and if possible get chatting to the other mums and set up play dates from this.

mablemurple · 04/05/2009 21:12

Definitely tell the head about the secret club - my dd also goes to a very small village school (40 pupils in total)and that kind of clique would just not be tolerated. I don't know why you say playing with the younger kids is not ideal - with this size of school it is unavoidable and has benefits for both the older children and the younger ones, ime. Also agree with Iliveinhope about out of school activities.

ShellingPeas · 04/05/2009 21:13

I would second ILiveinhope to find outside school friends - my DD (7) has only 5 girls in her year, including DD and there is one very dominant ringleader, who I find hard to deal with but who DD seems to deal with okay. Like you we're unable to send DD to a larger school with bigger year groups.

I send DD to some outside clubs and she has made friends with girls (not at her school) at Rainbows and dance class. These have given my DD additional social skills and more confidence to deal with the dominant child in her year group.

pointydog · 04/05/2009 21:14

decena, this is fairly normal stuff, yes. Don't worry about it if no one is upset. Keep a calm, open conversation going with your dd. And a good idea to try to find an activity where other children outsdei the school will be present

newgirl · 04/05/2009 21:17

i realise that you cannot move but i think just 3 girls is quite intense and these secret clubs etc might be a result of them all getting quite sick of each other - you can prob talk to the teacher who can have some circle time and say that secret clubs can make people feel sad?

can she foster friendships with the boys instead? could you invite boys to tea?

def try the brownie/woodcraft/cubs route too so she has other friends and might learn new ways to play with these girls

junkcollector · 04/05/2009 21:26

Sorry if this is a stupid question but who is in the secret club if you DD isn't and there are only 2 other girls? Are you sure it isn't just this girl being silly?

piscesmoon · 04/05/2009 21:29

If moving isn't an option, I would definitely go for more out of school activities and use them to encourage friendships.

MillyR · 04/05/2009 21:44

My DD is in a similar situation - there are only 4 girls in her year group. I would follow the advice given about joining out of school activities. Also consider joining the Beavers. My DD joined as the only girl and it strengthened her friendships with the boys in her class.

Also, invite girls from the years above and below around for tea.

It isn't just girls; the boys have all sorts of pecking orders and fallings out too.

Original poster

decena · 05/05/2009 12:16

Thanks everyone. The problem is much more for me, I never used to worry about anything until I had kids!
It may not sound like it but I am the kind of mum who thinks it best that DD learns to cope on her own so I would only speak to the school if she was getting upset and not wanting to go to school etc. which she is not the case. She counts this girl as a friend and it was her idea to have her round to play. My DD is very much a follower and wants to fit in - I can see the teenage years "oh go on, take a smoke.."!
She does go to other groups but again, only populated by the same kids.
She is very much an outdoor girl so I am hoping that as she gets older, she will get involved in ranger groups etc.
I have always said to her to hae lots of friends and yes, she does play with boys occasionally and the older kids.
Thanks everyone for your support.

OP posts:

jujumaman · 05/05/2009 13:09

Decena, I know exactly where you're coming from, it's not so much this individual situation as the prospect of years of tears and heartbreak. I feel exactly the same about my dd1, she's still in nursery but already I get utterly paranoid if she says so and so wouldn't play with her, imagining her being the nerdy no-friends kid for the rest of her school career. In my case, I think it's because I was very popular at school and find it hard to imagine my dcs being any other way. But it's a total overreaction and, as you say, something I could never have envisaged before having kids.

I think we just have to chill out and get a grip, all children - especially girls- fall out with each other, all children have gangs and exclude each other at some point. But nearly all children survive this phase, it's what toughens 'em up and makes them able to cope in the real world. As you say, plenty of wine, plus looking at the bigger picture.

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 05/05/2009 13:27

I wouldn't say a bigger school would be any different. I've just moved DD from a bigger to a smaller school and the old school had these invitation only clubs.

When I was young I was at a small school where there were only 3 girls (inc me) in my year group. It is a tricky number as it often seemed to be 2 ganging up against the other one. And who the one who was left out changed week on week.

I'd have a word with the teacher and let her know of your concerns. The benefit of a small school is that they can keep a close eye on it.

ouchitreallyhurts · 05/05/2009 14:18

I have 4 girls and I find it quite upsetting at times when you hear what one girl has said to another and so on. From the outside looking in, I thought that boys tended to play in large, equal groups without the cattyness that girls employ but obviously as a mum of girls I don't really know.

There was another thread a few days ago where I shared what my eldest had said in the Guardian about being picked on and left out of groups etc. I saw the head soon after (fairly unhelpful) but the class teacher kept her eyes peeled at playtime and dealt wtih a few of the incidents ( I have visions of said teacher hiding behind the shed and playhouses from what she told me!) but it was clamped down on in a caring but firm way. dd1 much happier now - which is sods law because we are moving away next month!

stealthsquiggle · 05/05/2009 14:26

Since a friend and I have just been agonising about our DS's falling out (not really about the fact that they had fallen out - more about how stressed they both seemed about it - 'tis sorted now) I am starting to worry about how much worse it will be with DD

OP - talk to the teacher/head. DS's class has a v. small number of girls in it and their teacher and headmistress both monitor 'exclusive' friendships very carefully to make sure no-one is being left out - more so than they do in years where there is a more even balance of boys and girls.

I would also agree that outside friendships (clubs of one sort or another) can help in keeping a sense of perspective on the inevitable problems - now or later.

newgirl · 05/05/2009 15:36

i dont think you need to worry for the future and think all girls get in cliquey huddles - there are lots of very nice easy going kids out there

i think this is an unusual situation - my dd (7) hasnt had these dramas at all (ha ha!) but i do think that is because there are 16 girls in the class so they have all found people they get on with and mix up quite a lot for variety

you may find it all very different at a bigger school such as secondary - hope so (but then the hormones will kick in )

DamonBradleylovesPippi · 05/05/2009 15:46

decena I experienced this at exactly the same age as your dd. Same playground little cliques. It's not a big deal and teaches you who you are and who you really want as a friend (not them!) etc. I used to be made play the servant while the other girls where having high tea! I still remember it to this day but it was only once, I never went back to their house. I was a good soul but not stupid. I'm sure such things go on all the times (read book Cat's Eye by Margaret Atwood for some insight). Only suggestion talk to your dd a lot, so you can pick up any sign of serious anxiety and can reitarate her worth. Also extra school activities so she can meet up with girls and boys more to her liking.

btw my dds are not to that age yet and I'm quite dreading it as well.

aintnomountainhighenough · 05/05/2009 16:16

The fact is that you will get this at any school. Undoubtedly the smaller pool of friends doesn't help this however as you have said this cannot be changed. I actually think these situations can be turned into a positive in that you can help your DD deal with the situation. By talking it over with her you can help her tackle this situation and hopefully overcome it - she will then become much better at dealing with difficulties in the future. Involving the school if it becomes a problem is a good thing. I think that quite often there is a queen bee type in a school and often in life, lets face it they aren't going away however we can help our children deal with these people. Good luck.

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