What's the right / best thing to do?? Which school?

[walkingprimrose]

Hi,

I have had massive dilemmas over choosing a primary school for my dd. I ended up putting the one that made sense practically for short and long term reasons as my first choice (St Josephs).

Reasons I chose St Josephs:- Most children going to dd's nursery next door will go; 1 school -infants & juniors; 99% of the children go on to the high school which is the best school in county and therefore she would be going up with friends; would be one drop off point when ds starts nursery as it is next door; everyone says their child has been / is happy there; smart uniform; family members go there.

However... I never really warmed to the school when I looked round (4 times!! and even sat in on a lesson). In fact I hated it the first time.

Anyway, I got my first choice.

Now I feel so panicked about whether to accept the place or not. The thought of her going there makes me feel so tense and weird. Now I have found out that there are some spare places at my local(outstanding) infant school (Everdale), which I did really love when I went round, but isn't so good for practical reasons.

Reasons I didn't choose Everdale - no uniform; separate junior school; 99% of children will go on to a different (although outstanding) secondary school to the one I'd wanted for my dd; no nursery; will have 2 drop off/pick up points when ds & dd are at nursery & infants and infants & juniors.

It's like I want her to go to St Josephs but don't actually like it, and I don't want her to go to Everdale but actually love the school!!! AM I as insane as I feel??

Would you follow your heart or your head??

Plus St Josephs is an RC primary and I don't actually agree with faith schools in principle really, and I hate the location.

Another worry is that there is a little girl who is currently at my dd's nursery who will be going to Everdale - my dd seems to adore her but the girl totally dominates my dd and is a bit physically agressive. Also my daughter seems to copy this girl's bad behaviour, when without her she is well behaved. If I changed schools, would I be blighting my daughter's life with this girl??

Sorry this is so long and convoluted - it's far worse inside my head, believe me!!

Opinions gratefully recieved.

Primrose x

It's like I want her to go to St Josephs but don't actually like it, and I don't want her to go to Everdale but actually love the school!!! AM I as insane as I feel??

I am in exactly the same dilema. Our school A is closer and more convenient, good Ofsted, we know people there, DD wants to go there- arrgghhh. I didn't get a good impression from looking around though.

School B is slightly further away and has infants and juniors on same site and all children go to the same excellent high school. Liked it better.

I put down school A 1st and tried to counter my gut feeling. However I felt sick when we got our 1st choice. Luckily we went on the waiting list and now have a place at school B. We are going to take it even though it will be a less practical way forward.

Hope that helps. It's not easy I know, good luck with the decision.

Hi, thanks both of you.

aandb - kind of good to know I'm not the only one not pleased that I got my first choice. I'm finding it hard to make the decision to change schools though, as I can't understand why it seems to be only me who feels this way about the school - there's a massive waiting list. I'm scared that I'm going to ruin my dd's life by not sending her to St joseph's,I'm scared of regretting it.
x

I would go with the nearest one, but then I'm lazy

Me too@mrsruffallo

Failing that, go with instincts. If you hated it, why send your child there?

Stop worrying about secondary schools and other children at this stage, too. Just think about this - will you both be happy about her starting there in September?

I'm still a little scared of regretting not choosing school A, especially when I'll see all my neighbours walking down there every day. However, I realised that I would regret it MORE if I didn't choose school B. For me, I always tend to think the grass is greener and there was no obvious decision. We would have to give up things on our wish list by choosing either and neither school would be disastrous as I'm sure is the same in your case.

I was getting annoyed by people saying go with your gut feeling as I didn't feel I did have a gut feeling! The thing that did it for me was thinking back to my reaction when visiting school A.

Thanks Mrs Mattie & Mrs Ruffallo - both schools are close. St Josephs = 1 mile away
Evergalde = 0.5miles away. Maybe shouldn't worry about future, but surely it's an important consideration??

aandb - you sound v. like me - grass is greener etc. I keep thinking about those intial feelings, and when I do, it seems insane to send her to St.J's.

What about the dodgy friend issue - do you think that's irrelevent?

You are not insane and you need to go with your process for deciding, however convoluted it is, so that you're happy as you can be come September. My gut instinct is to say.... follow your gut instinct. But maybe you can back it up a bit. Go back to both the schools - if not inside, to the school gates, and remember how you felt when you visited (as I suppose it was a while ago now?). Imagine the scenario of your dd actually going to either one. How would you feel? How would dd feel? I did this and realised that my gut had been mis-led by some superficialities.

You can do logical 'head' pros and cons till the cows come home, there may never be a convincing argument either way. And unfortunately you may not ever know if you made the right decision, you can only go with the information and feelings you have at the time.

As for the friend issue, may depend on how big the school is - dd may be in a different class in which case it may not be an issue. Plus there will be all sorts of friendships that throw up challenges during her school career.

Good luck with the dilemma

I think your objections to Everdale sound fairly unimportant when weighed up against the fact that you like the feel of the place.

Let's look at them again:

no uniform: surely this only matters if there are discipline problems? or had you set your heart on a bright red sweatshirt?

separate junior school: we chose the separate infants school over the one belonging to the junior school because we like the cuddly atmosphere and never regretted it; ime 7yo are a lot tougher and more adaptable than 4yos, so I'd try to cater to the needs of the 4yo over the potential 7yo iyswim

99% of children will go on to a different (although outstanding) secondary school to the one I'd wanted for my dd: this is more of a practical point, I would first think about whether your dd can get into the secondary school you want from Everdale's- are you still in catchment; I don't necessarily think changing friends at age 11 is such a big deal; dd left most of hers behind when she went to secondary and she's been ok

will have 2 drop off/pick up points: do a test run and see how it works, wasn't too bad for us, but obviously you want to try it out

problems with one dodgy friend: I don't think I would let that decide, ds had problems with one very dominating and quite physically aggressive little boy in reception, they are now at junior's together and the best of friends; children do change as they grow; it may be that the loveliest sunniest toddler at nursery then goes through a dodgy patch at school

The pros for Everdale: atmosphere, sounds quite important to me- but do visit both schools once more and see if you still feel the same

Also, if you don't like faith schools that ^will be a constant niggle.

i think you have to go with your gut feeling on this. I knew within 5 minutes of walking into my dd's primary school that i had found the right school and was happy to send her there rather than the "outstanding" slightly closer to home school.
I think it's a great idea to re-visit both schools.
Good Luck

I would go with the school you like now and suits your DD best for now.

It is risky to choose schools or avoid them based on people you know. I thought I would know lots of people going to DS school. In the end several didn't get in and went to other schools. The two that did get in moved away from the area before the end of reception.

I think the only reason to avoid Everglade is if you would have a problem getting your daughter into a good junior school from there.

Maybe the uniform is a bit of an issue as I think uniforms are a good idea. You could always join the PTA and suggest they introduce a uniform.

I had this dilemma with DD. I preferred the school she now goes to, but with hindsight I think she would have been better off at the other one.
It's not all about which school YOU like. It's about what is best for the child! Are they laid back so need a relaxed approach or would they prefer more structure & routine (i.e are they a bit lazy and need the odd push from teachers)?
Small, large, highly disciplined, relaxed & laid back..... How would the child cope with these factors?
I would need the structured approach but I wish I hadn't chosen it for DD!

We are still having kittens in the Bear household! No advice just know how your feeling

Nope you're not mad at all...in fact Im having the same dilema and our decisions aren't even out yet until the end of the month. I posted about it a week or so ago because I was having second (third and fourth!) thoughts about our first choice school.

Although it was the best school for convenience etc and there are a couple of other children from DS's nursery going there it just doesn't seem right somehow...nothing I can put my finger on but there is something niggling me about it so completely understand how you are feeling. Im going to wait until the decisions are out and then go from there...Im almost hoping we don't get our first choice so that the decision is made for me lol!!

My dh has just given up now cause Im driving him mad about it all...if he went to the other school I would have to drive him every day whereas he could walk to our first choice,its a longer day cause its a primary over an infants but its got a nicer feel to it!! Argghhhh my head feels like its going to explode so goodness knows how you feel!!

Anyway thought you'd like to know that you are not alone!!

Just found out from the council letter that we probably could have got our Ds into a nicer school. But when I phoned those schools in November, the school secretary said we lived outside the catchment! Now I wish I could hide those papers fom DH so we don't have another row!

Gut instinct -- you know where your child will thrive (and obviously, your guts are, and have been, trying to tell you this).

Good luck.

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for all your replies - it is good to know that I'm not the only one... although I am sorry that there are others who feel this way, as it's awful!

cory - good breakdown of the issues! You're right, most of the problems aren't insurmountable.

karise - that is awful for you. That is exactly what I am afraid of happening - picking the one I like the feel of over the one that will be best for her.

I did go back to St. josephs this week - the school must think they've got a nightmare mother on their hands. Anyway, it still didn't wow me at all yet there was nothing specifically wrong with it I suppose. The receptionist annoyed me though - I didn't tell them I was thinking of not taking the place we've been offered but she let me know quite clearly that if I didn't want the place then there were plenty of people who do. I felt v guilty and yet annoyed with her at the same time.

How to know which type of school will be best for your child?? She's only 3 and a half... in all honesty I don't know what kind of atmosphere she would thrive in the best. How terrible is that??? Why don't I know this??? She's changing all the time, I know what she's like with me but it's difficult to know what she's like when I'm not around... but I know she's probably behaves differently - for example she WILL NOT let me show her or teach her to do ANYTHING eg. hold a knife and fork properly or hold a pen (just starts to go "let ME do it, let ME do it" etc ...getting frusrated and cross). But, she seems willing and fine when her teacher at nursery school does these types of things. What does this mean?? Anyway not expecting anyone to answer these questions, just spouting....

You know your child, you know what you like, you clearly feel uncomfortable with St J. she's only a baby. go with what you think will nurture her. Uniforms can cover a multitude of sins . Stroppy receptionists take their cue from school management.

You can always change your mind! kids move from nursery to primary easily because we expect them to...they can move primaries just as easily, its just a question of how you frame it to yourself.

It sounds like you know what you want, but are unnerved the idea of turning down the best deal. Turn it down if the idea of leaving your baby there makes you panic. That's instinct kicking in. And instinct is not illogical, it is the synthesis of emotional and intellectual intelligence. Listen to it.

Thanks again everyone who has responded to mt dilemma- you're a great support...
when one does not know where else to turn... because you feel a fool and because you're worried that friends are probably sick of analysing it with you...

Salome64 - I think that's what I needed to hear. You sound like a wise and sensible woman. Thank you. x

aw! {blushes modestly but prettily} good luck. She's lucky to have a mum that really thinks about how she will thrive in which setting.

or very unlucky to have a mum who's got no idea what she's doing! But we'll go with your interpretation.x

no idea what she's doing = just about everybody!