DD has a possesive friend.......

[npg1]

Hi,

Try to keep a long story short and im not in right frame of mind at mo but need someone to give me some advice please.

DD is in Yr 1. When she first started in reception another girl who i will call W latched herself onto my DD and they have become friends. W is a very strong character and my DD does exactly what w says to her, I think she is scared of upsetting w. Well when they went into yr1 another girl joined the 2 of them, again a very strong character. I was worried they would gang up on DD but I dont think they have although they often give DD 'grumpy looks.' DD wasnt allowed to play with anyone else so W said but things have got better and they mix with other girls now, but DD isnt allowed to go off on her own with someone.

I have learned to deal with this and let them get on with it, have expressed my concerns to the teachers. Today however has got me concerned again......

DD has Mandarin class at lunchtimes on a tuesday. I know she doesnt want to go anymore so was going to let her stop after easter. DD ate her lunch today and W said 'dont go to mandarin class today.' So what did DD do, she didnt go. This all came out in the car on the way home and I was cross. She knew it was wrong but she did not go. Aparently w has said before not to go but DD has always gone. W will look at her when she comes into the playground after the class with a 'grumpy look.'

I have explained tonight that she doesnt do what other people tell her to do, she knew it was wrong.

I think I will go into the classroom tomorrow and ask the teacher if i can make an appointment to see her. I dont want Dd to be the one to get into trouble for something someone else has told her to do just because she is worried about upsetting her friend. this isnt the first time she has done something w has told her to do.

The real key is to get your dd to stand up to this girl. Do you see them socially or are you ever there when the girl is bossing your dd around? Could you interject a few choice sentences into the mix when you hear them speaking? Or get the teacher to do the same?

I would just stop and think about how this conversation is going to go before you go and speak to the teacher.
'My DD does things that she knows are wrong because W tells her to '
' so would your DD jump off a cliff if W told her to ?
etc etc
It's your DD's fault not W's !!
A good telling off may make your DD realise that a 'grumpy look' from W is preferable.

It may be worth discussing strategies for your DD with the teacher...my DD was picked on by a girl who WANTED to tell DD what to do but DD was not having it...so it all got a bit fraught. I had a good chat to the teacher and she suggested ways I could help DD while she had a word with the other girl. Cleared up almost overnight once she spoke to the other girl.

You do need to talk to your DD about doing things becuase you are doing them for yourself, not doing what other children want you to. It sounds like she may have a few difficulties standing up for herself, but often children lack self confidence, this other girl likely picked on your DD when she noticed that.

I also asked the teacher to separate the 2 girls wherever possible without it being obvious, which they also did, as luckily they mix groups very often in her school.

DD is now mixing with lots of children not just this one and we have had conversations about why some people are horrid...and not giving in, and knowing your own mind etc etc.

Thank you for your replies.

I have been in today to speak to the teacher about it. The teacher has had a quiet chat with both girls seperately about not doing what a friend tells you to do when you know it's wrong and about telling friends what to do.

Obviuosly my DD wouldnt jump off a cliff or do something serious but I felt I needed to address this as I dont want her getting into trouble for something more serious. I dont think she is totally to blame, it's the other girls fault for taking advantage of her.

DD also said to me that she is worried to upset W and make her grumpy which is why she does things because she tries to please her all the time.

Teacher has also spoken to W mum i found out tonight as there have been several things going on in the class/ playground and mum is now doing things at home with w about friendships and how you cant boss people around and have to be friends with everyone.