DD possibly unhappy in reception - parents evening

[Maxiebaby]

We are really worried about some of the things our DDs reception teacher is telling us about our daughter and feel she may be unhappy. We cant get any sense out of DD about what the problem is, so are having to draw our own conclusions. Parents evening is coming up next week and we are not expecting good feedback, and also want to get our view across. Would appreciate the opinion/reassurance of fellow mumsnetters.

DD had some teething (we thought) problems in term 1 with behaviour/social aspects, which seem to have reared their head again recently. She is bright, very lively and admittedly a bit of a handful sometimes. She is apparently 'not QUITE doing what she is told ' (quote, love the 'quite'!), finding it hard to get into groups socially, playing up occasionally and not concentrating well on her schoolwork (we find the same with homework).
The school wonders if DD is worried about a home problem as she is also developing what seem like nervous ticks such as excessive blinking and throat clearing. We can think of anything that may be bothering her and she is not articulating anything when asked.

My SIL, a primary teacher, thinks it could all be school related, exhaustion, too much pressure, constant TA changes, and suggests we prioritise sleep, routine, boundaries at home, and let DD play (which is what she wants to do) in her free time rather than forcing her to do the, in our (and her) view excessive homework.
We think this is worth a try before exploring other possibilities like special needs.

We are not sure however how the teacher will respond to our request that DD only does the homeword she wants to do. DD usually asks me to read her book to her, and likes some of the games/activiites in her weekend homework but we have to force her to do the rest and it seems to drag on all evening and all weekend on and off, poor kid.
Each evening she gets a book to read, an ongoing wordlist which is now impossibly (40 or so words)long, and at the weekend 2 books plus about 4 sides of A4 of varied homeword including sums/words/drawing/games/activities.
The teacher is older, very nice but very formal and old fashioned in her teaching methods-I volunteer in the class so get to see her in action. Personally we think this is the wrong approach for such little ones, and certainly for our daughter who just wants to play most of the time (April baby).

Incidentally, we think DD is doing fine academically (though nothing like some of his high-achieving class mates), reading ORT stage 3, year 1 words, counting to 100 with a bit of help, though motor skills less strong, so I am hoping the teacher will feel she can keep up with reduced homework.

Does it seem likely that DDs problems may be related to this pressure/tiredness or do you think something else may be going on?
Does our approach (prioritising routine, slepp, boundaries and reducing homework) sound sensible, and is their a way we can voice our concerns on homework and suggest it become voluntary in future without the teacher saying no or becoming defensive?
Is it too much to want a 4 year old to just enjoy being 4 and to be happy???

School is local, state, rated 'good' by Ofsted.

Do you know that your daughter doesn't legally even have to go to school until the term after she's five? Have you thought of keeping her off one day a week to see if that helps her energy levels. Her problems really might just be down to exhaustion. Might be worth a try.

Actually if it was me, I'd go in to parent's evening with a fait accompli, so my daughter's too tired to do all you're asking and it's putting her off, so she's not going to do any homework other than reading when she wants to, and I'm going to keep her at home a day a week to see if that helps. I don't see how the teacher can refuse tbh.

Refuse, no she can't at the moment (though next term DD WILL have to attend as she is 5 this term), but make her disapproval clear, certainly.

The teacher did start the year making noises about optional homework and even keeping kids off due to tiredness, but these seem to have been empty words. When I took this at face value and kept DD off a couple of times towards the end of the first term when tired and/or sickening for something and I just thought she'd be unable to cope or play up, her teacher said she thought it was a bad idea to do that as it would give DD the impression she cuold get off going to school simply by being tired. And at least some of those who've not done the 'non-compulsory' homework have also had questions raised!

Will have to develop a thick skin and not worry what the teacher thinks, after all we know our DD best.

Do think tiredness is a major issue here given that the behaviour problems have occured at the same point in each of the two terms so far.

Today is only Monday and we have already had an after-school hunger/tiredness induced meltdown that was so extreme I ended up in hysterical laughter (it was that or cry with her!).

I've kept my son off a couple of days, due to exhaustion, but I told him he'd got a temperature, so he didn't think he could just say he's tired and get a day off. Made a huge difference next day. Both times he's bounced back to school with renewed energy.

Smee, what a good idea keeping an exhausted child off school on the pretext of having a temperature - might try that if DD gets any more tired towards end of term.

On the homework issue, I dont think it will matter what we tell the teacher at parents now: DD is refusing point blank to read her ORT books. Tells me she doesnt like reading.
This is so sad when both her parents are avid readers and we really wanted to encourage a love of books (and learning) in her too, though we didnt think she needed much encouragement given how much she has always loved books until now. Sincerely hope too much pressure too soon has not put her off.

Her list of keywords has come back with lots marked wrong today as she was told to 'sound them out' rather than just read them normally and though she can read them all (all correct the previous day), couldnt do it the way they asked!!
Sounds very discouraging to me.
Anyone else come across this way of doing things? With DD or when hearing children read in school (I volunteer) I always get them to sound out to help them read words they are struggling with, but cant see the point if they can already read it! Seems like a backwards step or am I missing something ladies?

I'd complain to the school - maybe not couch it as a complaint, more a concern. Your poor lo though, being put off like that. I should think they'd want to know if they're a decent school, and if they don't well that tells you quite a lot too.

Smee,

Thanks for your sympathy for my DD.

Agree with you about complaining (or rather , taking our concerns to the head) but first we're going to see what happens at the parents evening tomorrow. Ideally we could voice our concerns tomorrow on pressure, unrealistic expectations, tiredness etc and just take it further if we dont get a decent response. Agree it will prove whether the school really is a good one that takes parents concerns seriously and is therefore worth sticking with, or not.

I had two other observations from today's session volunteering in the class.

First, Im beginning to understand too that DD is losing her confidence because of all the telling off/negative attention/expectation on her to sit and concentrate on activities for too long a period. Had never understood why she has said things like 'im no good at reading' or where it was coming from (certainly not us). This again is crushing as she has always been a very confident outgoing child, plus her perception is certainly inaccurate.

Second, that, in my view at least, the teacher is expecting some of the kids, especially the younger ones, to concentrate on one activity for too long, which is asking for problems. I saw them doing an activity (involving cutting, sticking, assembling) for an hour this morning - thats too much for a lot of 4-5 year olds! Needless to say my DD needed a lot of help and encouragement to stay on track.

My poor little girl. I do hope another term of this wont be too damaging as in the worst case scenario that things dont improve we cant get her in anywhere else until September. TBH I think she's bearing up well considering, but could be having a much more positive first experience of school.

We're so disappointed with a school we had high expectations of, and bitterly disappointed, sad and angry for DD.

hi Maxi,

much sympathy for you and your dd. I know where you are coming from, as the school dd attends sounds rather similar. dd is in yr 1 but ever since she started school we've had to speak to her teachers regularly about dd's lack of concentration etc. She is one of the younger ones and also 'young' for her age, she still much prefers playing to doing her reading and homework! Unlike your dd she is a bit behind schoolwork wise - the school has their own 'standards' and every report we get says dd is behind those. I think also dd got told off regularly for not finishing her work in the allotted time, and she kept saying she was no good at reading/writing.

In the last few weeks things have improved a bit - not sure why yet as her teacher has been off sick and they've had a student teacher in.

I'd agree with what your SIL has been saying. When is your parents evening? The best of luck!

Forgot to add - dd's school is rated 'outstanding' by Ofsted. We're not convinced it's right for dd though, but at the moment she's OK so I'm a bit reluctant to move her away from her friends. Am due to see the teacher a week on Friday, assuming she's back by then.

An hour on one activity is ridiculous for that age. Of course some will do it, others won't. At DS's school they do things in 20 minute blocks it's very rare that the whole class is together. They tend to split them into groups of 6 and TA's and teacher drifts between them to help/ watch, etc.

• my son't school don't push reading/ writing at all. I'm shocked at tales of 4/5 year olds being told off for not finishing work on time, etc, as no way would that happen at his school. All they have to do is to try everything and try and enjoy it too. He has no homework, other than they bring books which they choose home as much as they want to. It's a great school, good ofstead, gets results. In other words, there are other ways of educating kids. Maybe you should look around - some children will thrive at that school, but maybe your DD isn't one of them.

Hi Paddingtonbear,

Your story sounds frighteningly familiar, but Im dismayed (for your DD and mine) to hear its still going on in year 1. Everyone tells me it is probably just an individual teacher and that things will probably be fine next year, but how can you tell??
Interesting that things seem better for your DD over the past few weeks when they have had a student teacher in...that must be the explanation for the improvement surely. We found the same when DDs class had a lovely, young, energetic fun supply teacher in for 2 weeks - totally different atmosphere and everyone (including parents) so relaxed!

Smee, it was only half the class doing this activity (so 15 kids with 1 teacher) but they were certainly doing it for at least 45 minutes or so whilst I was there and the activity was planned for an hour. DD is fairly often held back from playtime to finish her work by the way!

As mums we just feel for our kids so much when things like this go wrong, so its very hard to tell if you are overreacting or not?! If this is the way things are going to be then I definitely want to move DD, but things might of course settle down or be better with a different teacher. Just cant bear the thought of her having a bad experience with education. How long is long enough to know?

Smee, I am looking at alternatives, but in the state sector there is nothing due to waiting lists anywhere decent (thats London for you). Cant see much point in going from a supposedly 'good' state school to a poor performing one which will no doubt have other issues.

Am going round a couple of small independent schools this week, one of which has friends' kids attending very happily and they think it will suit our DDs character perfectly, but am struggling ot convince DH that it is necessary (or desirable).

for the past few weeks dd hasn't been getting any homework apart from reading books, as her usual teacher is off sick. Whilst I'm sorry her teacher is ill I haven't missed the homework, and we've been able to concentrate more on her reading - which has improved. dd hasn't complained so much about going to school, either. A few parents have said the same about their kids!
The yr 2 teacher is supposed to be better with young children, I've heard - this years came down from juniors - so fingers crossed.
your dd's reception homework sounds even heavier than ours was - and I thought ours was bad!!

I can understand that Paddingtonbear.
With some kids the more pressure you pile on the worse things get, and if you back off, they suddenley seem to want to do things themselves.

My DD is certainly like that - I remember potty training vividly and the increasingly emphatic 'no's the more we reminded her to use the toilet! Eventually we took the lead from her and it worked.

Last night I didnt even open DD's school reading book, but during our bedtime story I had a keen little girl saying 'let me [read] mummy..' totally off her own back!
Surely teachers should have met sufficient children to know that different strategies will work for different temperaments!