I am worried that dd is becoming a selective mute - especially at school!!!

[Yurtgirl]

She is 4 1/2.

I would love some reassurance that she is just shy............

I will need some convinving!
TIA

Difficult really which to choose. You know your child best.

The program which could be implemented at school by a speech therapist experienced in SM (of which these are few) is called "the sliding in technique" which involves parent participation at first.

SM is linked to social anxiety it is not just shyness but EXTREME anxiety which prevents your child from talking.

Their are home educators who have managed well at home and gone through the "sliding in" with other adults/children their child may now from groups such as Brownies or other activities. So it can be done.

Other people have home educated for a couple of years and found their child to develop more confidence and return to school.

Talk to your child's school about SM. The general rule for a school which has a SM child is to remove all pressure for a child to speak but still provide opportunities and to let the child communicate in whichever way they feel most comfortable.

Talk to other schools in the area and explore your options fully.

Some schools will do all they can to help without worrying about funding issues others will want a diagnosis and everything done by the book which can be a timely process (when early intervention is key)and a possible battle to get through.

All any parent wants is to see their child happy and healthy so follow your hearts.

We recently had a meeting with D.ds special needs teacher,who remarked upon the fact that she expressed herself very efficiently with her eyes,in the way a young child would before having any speech at all. She then went on to say that she did not believe she had s.m at all,and that it was an attachment issue,and up to us to move her on into big girls talk mode. Also she did not think it would help if I came into the school,a strategy suggested by the SM manual,to try and get Dd to talk to me in a room,but within earshot of the teacher,because it would be exactly what she wanted. Yurtgirl I have hijacked your thread,I am sorry, but i wondered if any of you have any thoughts on this as I am going to see a specialist tomorrow.

The SEN teacher is completely wrong and hasn't a clue. You could ask the SEN teacher what training has she had in Selective Mutism and if she is a professional in this area because if she was you would greatly value her opinion (very sweetly of course).
Good Luck with the specialist tomorrow ask what their experience is of selective mutism, what their approach would be and if they have been successful!

dd didn't utter a word all reception year. Year 1 she has just begun to talk to the teachers, and chats with her friends, but is still silent when faced with any other adult, even family members.

It's difficult to watch as I can see many people think dd is being rude and then I get agitated and sometimes a bit cross.

I don't think home educating is a good idea at all because surely it is just helping the child to withdraw even further. My mother was what I have heard termed a "sociophobe". She couldn't cope with new situations or speaking with most people, and spent most of her time in the house. She never went to school events, even parents' evenings, unless my father could go and do the talking. She never went in a shop that wasn't a supermarket for fear of having to talk to an assistant. I feel if she had had help to overcome this or just been coaxed out a little, it wouldn't have become such a handicap. As it was, because it was tolerated and covered up by her family and then my father, her shyness impacted heavily on not just her life but her family's too.

Sorry to go on, but I think the best route must be slowly and surely gently encouraging a child to speak and trying hard to show understanding.

Sorry, haven't much time so I am just going to copy and paste from an email I wrote to someone:

My daughter is now 7 and has completely grown out of her selective mutism. She can still be a bit shy, but she will mostly reply - even to a stranger - when asked a direct question. I think she did just grow out of it.

Her selective mutism started when she was three and going to nursery. She didn't speak at nursery at all, not even to a friend she would speak to outside nursery.

At her worst (somewhere betwen age 3.5 and 4) she would only speak to me, her brother and two friends. She wouldn't even speak to her dad for a bit because he had been working away!

She started school aged 5 (normal in Scotland) and didn't speak for the first 6 months of school. She started by whispering to the teacher, then whispering in small groups. Now she has no reservations about speaking in class at all, and had loads of friends.

I was delighted recently when the teacher described her as "a chatterbox". She also took part in the nativity and had to say a couple of lines in front of the whole school and audience!

I don't know what finally made her decide to speak. Her teacher was really patient, but at the same time made it clear that she would really like to hear what dd had to say.

They also did some sign language in class (the teaching assistant knew sign language) which helped her fit in a bit. She also had a few picture cards for urgent needs she might need to communicate (such as toilet, or not feeling well)

One tip that I was given was if people were saying she was rude or shy was to say "No, she isn't rude/shy, she will speak when she is ready" This means that you are letting people know without having to explain in front of her, or having her labelled as rude or shy

HTH

There are plenty of ways socially for any home educated child to interact irrespective of difficulties with communication they may have. There is quite a large home educating community which have groups all across the country that partake in activities together or after school clubs such as Brownies, swimming or dancing.

If all pressure to speak is removed including gentle encouragement when a child is relaxed and happy they will naturally speak.

Think of it as a circle:

child finds it hard to speak
adult/child wants to child to speak and tells the child so
child finds it harder to speak because of pressure and easier not to
adult insists on child speaking
more pressure which increases child's anxiety

and so it goes round

Anxiety causes avoidance yes and the activity which is avoided because it causes more anxiety needs to be broken down into manageable tiny steps.

Removing the pressure to speak removes the anxiety. The problem then is how entrenched the difficulty has become and the child has to want to change perhaps feel safe enough to.

Brilliant news Wallace sounds like everyone involved really understood and really helped your daughter overcome this!

Wallace, the picture cards for urgent business is a great idea. We have had wet pants a lot, and she was sick and did not tell anyone. I am going to adopt your idea. Thanks.

Thankyou for your thoughts everyone!

Pinkhouses - dont worry about hijacking, its good to read about other peoples experiences

Wallace - I am really glad your dd is doing so well now, thats a really positive outcome

Wassuup300 - You are very knowledgeable about this, thankyou very much for your input. I shall print this thread out for future reference!

The 'sliding in' approach seems like a good one, Ill ask the school what they think about that

Sorry to anyone else I missed, I am really grateful for all responses! It has been quite a shock to realise that not one but both my children now appear to be in need of special help at school.