Right, this is me overreacting and I know it, but dd having v bad responses in school

[Pawslikepaddington]

Had parent teacher consultation tonight. The main problem is dd's reading, as she can't cope with getting things wrong. Apparently she has this totally unprecendented response where she totally goes into herself and won't answer/speak to anyone at all-it is like she has gone into a closed shell and doesn't know how to come out of it again. She is very bright and expresses herself really coherently, but if she hits a certain level of stress she totally "shuts down" as the teacher put it. She has inconsolable tantrums at home, where I have had to put her to bed for her own safety, but not silent ones where she is totally cut off from everyone-should I be seeing a behavioural person? I am really scared!

Ask the school what they think for a start. They've seen a lot of children and may find it easier to gauge whether your dd is within the normal range or of she needs extra help.

I think this is a fine example of how some spects of schooling is 'hothousing' children so they become almost fraid of failiure of getting it wrong.

DS2 was very similar although I cant compare reactions obviously and it took a lot of encouragement and reassurance that getting it wrong means you are learning- i dont know how old your dd is and whether her reactions are just age related or what-talking to school would be an ideal start but then setting rules as to acceptable behaviour at home is also neccesary - these 'rules' change with maturity.

Im wondering if shes embarassed by her own intelligence?

I have a piano student like this. He gets himself into a place where he won't play, won't try, won't talk, won't be persuaded to switch to another piece. Just sits there.

So I send him home and teach his brother for his time plus what the silent one didn't use. If he has a good day I keep going and give the brother a shorter lesson.

There are warning signs which I recognise now and will try to switch before he flicks the switch.

30p is he particularly 'bright'? is this is coping mecchanism? -how does their mother react?

How old is your dd?

nickschick - he is a bright boy, who showed early promise, but is now struggling due to his own lack of confidence. Children who knew nothing are now overtaking him (he also plays another instrument). He doesn't look like he enjoys music, but is compelled to do it (by himself).

His mum is supportive and patient. I have discussed him taking time off from lessons, changing teachers etc. but when she talks to him at home he does want to carry on.

By thirtypence on Wed 11-Mar-09 08:48:44
nickschick - he is a bright boy, who showed early promise, but is now struggling due to his own lack of confidence. Children who knew nothing are now overtaking him (he also plays another instrument). He doesn't look like he enjoys music, but is compelled to do it (by himself).

His mum is supportive and patient. I have discussed him taking time off from lessons, changing teachers etc. but when she talks to him at home he does want to carry on.

So do you think he is held back by his own worry of underachiening? isnt it sad I dont recall being afraid to 'look daft' when i was a kid.

Do you have warning signs before she goes into a tantrum? My DS1 was a bit like that, he didn't like to fail but I got very adept at heading it off and teachers,once they got used to it managed to avoid the trigger points.
I would wait until she is back to normal and discuss it with her i.e which part particularly upset her? would there be a better way of coping?
With the teacher I would suggest that, if it is just the reading, she lets DD read it through first silently and then tells her if there is a part that she finds difficult or she wants help with-sort out that part- and then do the reading.

My dd is a bit like this. And she's a bit like this in her piano lessons, too!

I have been working on it by having long talks about how it's OK not to know things. I tell her that life is a journey and an adventure. When we are small, we are born knowing a lot of things but some things we have to learn as we go along. Not knowing things is fun because it means we can be excited as we find things out. It's sad, when you get older, because you get to learn fewer really new things and are less excited (which is not strictly true, imo, but it helps with the general theme).

I keep on telling her that there is a big gap between the things she knows and what those around her know because they are older. I also tell her that part of knowing things is repetition; by the time she gets to my age, she will have been told/done things so many times, she will just know things she has to really think about now.

It's a response geared to my dd, so it may not work for yours. I thought that dd's extreme response was generated partly by her thinking she was "in the wrong" somehow when she didn't know things.

Hth.

I used to teach a girl like this, she became terrified of making mistakes and wouldn't let me see her work or talk to me. I wasn't concerned about her ability to read or write, but with her anxiety and therefore her ability to learn (which is all about feeling safe enough to make mistakes, imo). I worked with her all year on addressing her anxiety, giving her coping strategies through safe situations not related to her writing. She was 6 years old. By the end of the year she was happy and smiling, and making great progress in her written work too.

Some children become very scared of making mistakes, it's a long process to help overcome this, but it is doable. It is something that some children have in this more extreme form - talk to the school about how they can help.

Oh wow!!! So many answers-thank you!!!

She was 5 last week, and I have the same fear (I find it really hard to hand essays in at uni, as I am scared they aren't good enough!) so know how she is feeling internally, which helps.

At home it took me years to cope with her-you have to go on to an entirely different subject, even if it is mid sentence, and she snaps out of it instantly-it is really weird, and the only way anyone can describe it is Jekyll and Hyde syndrome! Have spoken to the teacher about how I deal with it, and she said she would take the ideas on board (and the nursery nurse has a niece with the same temprement (sp!!), I spoke to her this morning, so has a huge soft spot for dd). I think dd is also a bit worried as her questions are sometimes the kind that you have to go away and find out, so the teacher can answer other people's questions, but not always hers IYSWIM, so think she feels a bit odd.

She does ballet, swimming, and is starting dry slope skiing next week, and she isn't the top in ballet but is in swimming, so gets used as the "show piece", which can't be helping!

If I play tennis/football anything with her, I have always played to her level-maybe I should up it a bit over time so she gets used to not always winning?

My son backs away if pushed too hard. He's four and doing brilliantly in reception at numbers, but shuts down if even asked to write his name let alone read anything. It's as though he's scared to get it wrong, yet I know he can do it, as he does it at home without thinking. The school have backed off and aren't worried about it. They gently put things in front of him to see if he wants to try and don't push it. tbh, I applaud that approach as it's so easy to smash their confidence. Is she at a relatively pushy school though? What do you think of the way they're teaching her? Am only asking as it sounds so different to my son's. There they don't worry at all about them reading or not reading at just turned five. Some of his classmates can and some can't, but the teachers say it will come in time and they help them all as they think they individually need it/ are ready for it.

It is just a standard c of e school-not overly pushy (but they have had problems with reading levels in the past so may be upping it a bit). We do loads of kisses and cuddles and giggles when reading at bedtime, although it takes AGES as we have to discuss all the pictures too, but she is enjoying home reading so am glad to do it (even when I've been in her room for over an hour and am thinking "Come oooooooooon, my coffee is cold now!! And I've missed Larkrise to Candleford again!!!". I simply shove those feelings down to my toes and continue!

So interesting all this - I mean all the different approaches to starting them off. We saw a massive difference just within local primaries. We went for the school that was most hands off, as it seems to suit our son. They really don't push reading at all until year one, as they go with the more European approach where formal school quite often doesn't even start until 6 / 7. I think it depends on your child as to the best way. My nephew loved the more traditional academic stuff in reception, but I know it would put my son off. Somehow though they all come through it - after all we did..

I wouldn't worry so much if she is only 5, my advice was for an older DC.

"If I play tennis/football anything with her, I have always played to her level-maybe I should up it a bit over time so she gets used to not always winning?"

I would say that it is a mistake to let her win all the time, losing is difficult and it is a good idea to get used to it early on before she starts playing with other DCs who all want to win. With something as easy as a card game I had to tell grandparents that they weren't doing DC any favours by letting him win all the time.