Parents and young children who miss each other a lot during school hours - tips for coping, please

[Scrumplet]

DS will be at school full-time once he's five (later this year). He is reluctant to separate at the moment for part-time school - I'm dreading how he'll cope once he's full-time. And I expect to miss him an awful lot too.

If anyone else has experienced this mutual-missing-each-other-a-lot feeling once full-time school kicked in, did you and your children eventually find a way of handling it happily? Grateful for any tips.

Hiya...my DD had a LOT of seperation anxiety difficulties when she first started school. We had a lot of tears and refusals of going to school in the morning. We got around this by reading some books about school and what happeneds there (books about the first days of school etc..) and then I started sending in a special thing with her to keep in her book bag that whenever she really missed home, she could go and touch it or look at it, so it gave her a concrete physical thing to think about. She also kept a picture of us in her book bag that the teacher let her go and look at whenever she was feeling sad. Slowly, over about four weeks, she started to settle into school more and we stopped each of these things seperately (BTIM, stopped sending in the object, then a week later, stopped the topic books, then a week later the picture IFYSWIM).
For your concern of missing him, I think the best thing to do is to keep busy as much as possible as it makes the time go by faster, and then once you get into a routine, it will be like second nature and you won't notice it so much. The biggest thing I would say, from my experience, both as a parent and a teacher, is to try your best not to be anxious about leaving your DS at school, because they will pick up on that very quickly and it will make them think that school is a bad place, and that they too should be anxious about it. I have a two year degree in early childhood education, and I remember learning that in theory and saw it SO often in practice as well, the children that adjust the best to seperation are the ones whose parents also are not anxious in front of their child...in saying this, I know this is a lot easier said than done!

I know exactly where you are coming from - DC1 and DC2 (8 and 10) are going back to school tomorrow and I still dread it. I just love having them at home and really miss them in term time! DC2, like your LO had huge seperation problems when he started reception. We solved it in a similar way to melissa75. DC2 had a little wooden heart that he kept in his pocket, which he could touch if he was feeling anxious. He needed it for about half a term. (He has kept the heart BTW in his box of 'treasures')

what a lovely idea (the heart) i wish i had of thought of that...

this thread has made me cry brought up old sadness.... because dd now in year 1 really struggled and sobbed every morning for the first year... she had only been 4 for 1 month in the august

she is much better now though and does now say she likes school

but for the first year i did refuse to do homework sent home by the school with her becasue i felt it was enough just to actually get through the week in one piece!!!!

DS started reception in January and when he was finding it hard to say goodbye one morning, I told him that I was going to tell him a special word, and if he felt sad he was to say it to himself in his head because it was our word and it was going to make him smile. He laughed a lot when I told him the word was 'bottoms'. When I picked him up, he told me he'd smiled every time he felt sad because he remembered us laughing about it. Half a term in and he still laughs at it.

I have a very close bond with my dd and dreaded her going to school f/t. She's in Y1 now and it's easier but like someone else said I still find it hard to let her go after a holiday. I love having her home and I love the way she chills out and loses that wired energy she has after school. She still finds it hard to go to school and not be at home which she loves but she's kind of resigned to it now. We both are. it's how our society is structured. But I wish school was just for 3 or 4 days a week instead of 5.

I wish that too imaginary. This morning was so hard as half term was brilliant fun. But then again half term was brilliant because it's special. Given the choice mine would far rather be at home, but he's so excited when he comes out every day, he's virtually bouncing with happiness, so school's definitely a positive. I still wish it was 4 days instead of 5 though.

My youngest is about to start school in Sept and I am trying to look at the positives as I know I will be dreading it. I am worried about how I will be mentally and are trying to stay positive but I know it will be a different feeliong to when one and two started school as he is my last one.

My children are 13 and 8, and when the school holidays come, I always feel as if 'things are back to normal' when they are both home. Don't know I will cope with university!!!!!!!

lol seeker - this morning we started a carshare with another family in the village. I agreed to let DC (10) walk to the other family's house alone (3 doors down the road!) for the first time. I have to admit I had a tear in my eye as I watched him go out of the garden gate on his own .... It doesn't get any easier however old they get......

I meet with my DD once a week for lunch - most schools are fine about letting them "home lunch" we don't come home, that would make it worse when it was time to leave again for the afternoon! That way we have a cuddle in the local cafe or something, she gets something hot to eat so by the end of the week she's not tired AND hungry a double disaster!! Also means she only has to cope with 3 full days, then meet mummy for lunch nip back for a few hours then its half day friday here.

DD and I kiss one another's palms so that we have a kiss ready for when we need it [sop]

TBH I was OK with dd going to school, other than the whole rite of passage/growing up thing, she's been at nursery since very small and I actually see more of her now she's at school as I work fewer hours. She struggled to settle though and cried a lot at first, whereas at nursery she was as happy as larry. The spare kisses were to help her out but I must admit they helped me too, I felt awful leaving her there crying.

I'm not a fan of term time, unusually Ilike the boyswith me aswith hols

but the tip I would give is not to worry but to celebrate it! I now holsare a problemfor lots ofworking famillies and fair enough,but excepting that a lot of people seem to just not like them and I think thats a shame.

I'd rather miss them than drop themoff and say phew tbh

Just remembered but my son really finds the idea of something to look forward to helps. This morning I promised yoghurt raisins. Must remember to take them when I pick him up...

dd (y1) seems to enjoy school enormously, however she's always found it hard to leave me at the classroom door as she find the moment of separation very difficult

when I went to pick her up today her teacher said she'd been very upset at lunchtime but wouldn't tell anyone why.

when we got home I asked her what had upset her and she said she just missed me and that made her too sad to eat her lunch. i asked her if she wanted to take something special in to remind her of me or home and she said that wouldn't help as the only thing she wanted was for me to be there - she says she wants to be at school, but she wants me there too - feeling a bit stumped really - I've always been very cheerful in the mornings and not lingered too long as that makes it worse, but it really tears me up inside thinking that she's crying at lunchtime

I love having my dss t home to and always feel sad when school strts .....when ds1 was small he used to get upset at leaving me and i hated leaving him too- but as a nursery nurse I know that s soon as all the mums leave and the day begins its very rare for a child to carry on being upset and generally they easily accustom themselves to the routine and enjoy the day however there are lots of things you can do to make it easier (please dont feel patronised by what I suggest trust me ive seen people do all of these and more)

dont linger and hug and kiss and wave and hug and kiss- be business like find your pumps put them on into class oh look theres mrs xxxxx give us a kiss - bye xxx

never let them see you upset - explain your day and give them things to think of ie at lunchtime if its sunny i will peg the washing out,when i do my jobs this morning ill look for that story etc etc

Let them know how your day will go discuss it with them - today im going to tesco i will get kitty some more cat food and your cereal etc then after lunch i shall go to the hairdresser

let them take something small in their pocket from home a cheap bracelet of yours a keyring on their zip etc etc my son used to have a lipstick kiss off me on his hand everyday so my kiss stayed with him.

Always keep your eye on stuff thats going on in the classroom so you can link it to home - a favourite story the teacher reads a picture of your childs on the wall any topic going on- bits you can contribute to class even a shiny leaf picked up on the way to school fpr the teacher.

split the day into 3 morning, lunch,afternoon then home and always ask about their day and find out whose friends with who etc.

NEVER bad mouth the teacher to them you d the teacher need to be seen by your child as a 'team' and if you as his mum the best person in the whole world dont like the teacher - hes not going to either,is he?

Thanks for posts, all.

It isn't only me then!

mimsum - your DD sounds like my DS, in that it seems to be the act of separating, rather than the separation itself, which causes distress. This happens whether it's me leaving DS at school, my mum's, or with his dad even. Although I don't know about school, my mum and DS's dad assure me he's fine pretty quickly after I've gone, which is comforting.

Peachy - that's a lovely way to look at things: nicer to miss them than to feel glad to see the back of them! I do want to see the back of DS sometimes but not every day. I have a friend with three boys who is well-known to hate the holidays (I don't understand why she recently had her third, TBH), who told me how glad she was to see the back of half-term - even though a relative took the two eldest out on four of the week days! I know we're all different. I suppose I just don't understand that.

melissa75 and nickschick - thanks for your advice. I have been advised of similar things before, but I'm afraid I don't believe in some of these approaches. I realise that children mirror our emotions - so if we're anxious, they may be, too. So of course we need to keep an eye on our own feelings. But they do have feelings of their own! And, for me, in the context of a distressed child, going to the other end of the spectrum where it's all fine-and-dandy, nothing-to-worry-about, brisk-peck-on-the-cheek-and-depart isn't satisfactory either - it doesn't give the child any space to express legitimate fears (about separating from a parent, for example) and to feel heard. Also, there's an assumption that any anxiety the child is experiencing is automatically a mirror of their parents' feelings. A child separating from a parent at this age will often quite legitimately feel very unsure, in his own right, and I feel ill-at-ease with the jolly parent brushing over this.

All this said, I'm really not sure how to strike the balance between the two. Parents are generally not welcome lingering in a classroom to settle their child, and it's true that the parent has to leave eventually, so if it's going to cause distress when they do, they might as well leave sooner. So for all my ranting I don't have the answer!

I love the idea of the lipstick kiss on the hand, nickschick. I wear lipstick, so that could work a treat.

Thanks again for posts.

I hope it works for you ...I wasnt suggesting you take a distressed child in and just dump him what i was saying was calm routine in a morning leaving no time for that few minutes of heart clenching sadness and so that they can (eventually) see that routine leads to a day of routine then back home with mum! - trust me when i say no teacher wants a child sobbing during register and it rarely does happen,I think a lot of 'our' fears come from our childhoods where mums were encouraged to linger around (mine never did lol) and I do think this new approach does work better almost as in school is a job its seperate from the hugs and kisses at home.

You may find your fears are unfounded that come Sept your child dashes into nursery with scarcely a hug - whatever happens you will cry all the way home .

Good luck x

Scrumplet, our school lets parents come into reception with the child each mornign and stay for a little bit if they want to/ need to. DS actually finds this easier than a clean goodbye in the playground. I like it too, as I can see what he's up to and meet some of the other kids in his class/ get to know teachers/ assistants, etc. Sometimes I stay about five minutes, other days he's ready to hug me goodbye straight away. Seems far kinder this way to me, though I know most schools don't let you do it.

One school I trained in the mum was there til almost 10am- she just sat there with her dd.

You may find it easier than you anticipate.

I have twin DDs and twin 2 used to march into nursery without a backward glance whereas twin 1 used to cry and cling to me. I obviously anticipated the same situation at school but it completely reversed and twin 2 had a terrible time settling in, whereas twin 1 adored it from day 1.

I distinctly remember twin 2 looking up at me with her tearstained little face and saying 'mummy, my heart hurts when you're not here'. Very difficult, they're so so little to be starting school. My DD's are 8 now and I adore the holidays with them, I just hate the routine and the clock watching of school.

I must be so hormonal at the moment. This thread is making me cry

Scrumplet - I had this with my DS. We had a horrendous time settling him at nursery school when he was three (having reassured us repeatedly that he would settle, the nursery school finally admitted defeat and suggested we try when he was a bit older. This we did, when he was coming up to four. At first, we just went for half an hour and he sat on my lap and watched; we gradually left him bit by bit and he did eventually settle, but was never happy about it. For this reason, we kept him there for three mornings per week until he turned five, when he finally went to school, having missed most of Reception.

He spent the first two weeks sobbing on his teacher's lap, bless him. It was heartbreaking, but we put a brave face on it, kissed him goodbye cheerfully and left (and then sobbed all the way home - DH too!!)

That said, although I was very tearful about his unhappiness, I was in a way quite glad once he finally went to school. As I have a DD two years younger as well, it was quite nice to have a break from her very high-maintenance brother. At the same time, though, I did miss him terribly - and particularly missed all the things we used to do together.

It's hit me much harder now that DD has started school. The good thing for me is that I can write during the day now rather than at night; the bad thing is that I really miss toddler groups, taking her for a babycino in M&S and so on!

But back on topic... When DS started school and was so unhappy, I made him a kind of 'advent calendar' for the first six weeks. I did a picture of him and all the little landmarks on our walk to school, which amused him, and every day, he got to open a little door. Either there would just be a number (which would mean 'one day down, only x more to go until the holidays...') or there would be the promise of a treat (like a game when he got home, or a few pages of one of his favourite books or, if he was really lucky, a mini-milk on the way home. I didn't want to do fancy rewards - I felt that attention was the best reward for a day at school!)

Good luck to both of you.

oh, I forgot to say, I also told my DD that she just had to close her eyes (hopefully in the toilet not in the classroom!) and she'd be able to "see" me in her head, and that I'd be in her heart too (gulp). She still talks about it years later "mummy you're in my head and my heart".

We had an awful time with our D.s,who cried every day for almost a year. Someone eventually loaned me a book called The Kissing Hand. The mum leaves a kiss in the hand of her child every morning at the school door, and he has it with him through the day as a talisman. He ends up giving it back to her when he thinks she needs it more. That worked well for both of us.