If you don't do the school run...

[cupofteaplease]

...does it affect your child's 'social life'?

I posted this in Chat at the weekend, and was directed here for more advice from the experts

I cannot do nursery school (attached to primary school) run on a regular basis as I work FT. Dh and childminder alternate drop offs and pick ups each week. I have done the school run about 5 times since September, and all the mums stand in line chatting. I'm good at making small talk, but it is clear they all know each other, so they are polite, but not friendly, if that makes sense?

dd (3.8) has been there since September and has not been invited to a single party or play date. I know there have been both of these as I know one of the mums from when our girls were little and we text one another occassionaly.

dh doesn't feel he can host a play date without me there, as he thinks other mums might feel uncomfortabe- I've no idea if he is right?

Are play dates and parties at this age determined by parents' friendships rather than the children? So will things get better? Or will dd be excluded further, seemingly because her mum doesn't make it to the school gate each time. (I say this because the nursery teacher says she is popular with lots of children.)

I'm feeling very bad about working at the moment after hearing of yet another party dd hasn't been invited to

I agree with BonsoirAnna, at that age I would expect us both to go, and so would be a bit nonplussed to find it was a DH.
It isn't until they get to school that it really matters, and mine didn't choose friends where I conveniently knew the parents. When your DD is ready to request invites for certain friends it will slot into place. You will also find that a lot of parents are in a similar position. If you are too busy to join the PTA you can volunteer your help for a certain event and thet gets you meeting other parents.

Well I'm glad I wasn't working at your schoo ls BonsoirAnna and piscesmoon -

"I would not expect to get a note, mothers in our neck of the wood would telephone" we didn't get a class list so would still have had the problem of matching mum to the child and asking for a phone number, and piscesmoon would you really be "nonplussed to find it was a DH" I have no problem having playdates with children's fathers NOT IN THAT WAY!!! and would have missed out on a lot of fun with friends if I had as 2 of the 4 children I did regular playdates with were cared for by their father. What real difference does it make if you go for coffee with your dd and meet the dh you can still talk about your child/ren talk about the school talk about holidays laugh aout funny things kids say etc.

In our school we did get a (voluntary) class list, so obviously we could expect a telephone call. I sort of assume that parents who don't sign up to the class list don't want their children to be asked to parties and playdates.

Oh, ok. I don't have a class list- they won't give one out, I asked for Christmas cards. So I have no way of finding telephone numbers/email addressed from parents. I thought a little note would be ok, but wasn't sure exactly how it would be received. This has given me a clearer idea that it's not really the 'done thing'.

Anyway, I hope to work PT next year, so maybe it'll sort itself out then, in Reception.

But thanks for all the advice- I shall ask dh to be a bit more proactive with talking to the mums, but he says as he works FT as well, he is quite pushed for time at the school gate!

BA- I'm interested in the voluntary class list- how does that include those parents who don't go to the school to drop/collect? How are they informed of the list and given the option to put their details down? Did the school assist with this?

At the beginning of year Parent-Teacher meeting, the class teacher passes around a form for all parents to fill out with their names, addresses, telephone numbers and email addresses. You are free to include whatever you wish. Then a exploited secretary kind parent types it up and photocopies it and the teacher pops one in each child's book bag.

i think the nursery is different - is she only donig half days? if so, then playdates are really used as cover/childcare for each other imo. if you're working and have childcare sorted then you're probably not in the loop as it were.

re parties - nursery i tended to just invite a few children, a mix of who DD mentioned and then children of my friends. Now she is in reception the pattern seems to be to invite all the girls and a handful of boys and vice versa.

at nursery we had an address list done by the nursery. At school it is voluntary, organized by class rep and distributed by email. Also includes column for who works or not.

To op, it might affect your child's social life but not necessarily adversely.

It also depends if you live in an area with lots of children round about who can make their own arrangements to play with each other.

And it depends on which after-school or weekend activities they do.

And before you know it, they'll be at secondary school sorting out their social lives without any parental interference.

DH and I share childcare and hence school pickups - he is much more likely than me to organise a playdate. I will invite round people I am friends with, and dd may or may not like their children. DH is much better about asking dd who she would like to have visit, and then arranging it. No-one has ever commented on it or said no, so I guess they don't find it strange.
I don't know if it makes a difference, but where we are because not so many people have regular jobs there are plenty of dads at the school gates - often enough DH will be arranging a playdate with another dad IYSWIM.

I think it does affect it - I only do one drop-off and one collection a week (dh does 2 collections and childminder does the rest) and ds (6) never gets invited anywhere unless I make a big effort to organise it. However, he goes to the childminder twice a week after school and so gets play time then and another day is swimming. So I don't think he does too badly and I'm sure as he gets older he will organise his own "playdates" by telling me he wants to go to play with someone! Dh does not organise anything with other dads (or mums) though he has made friends with dads at Saturday football so a joint expedition to see the mighty Aldershot Town at home might come out of that with footballing chums.

Don't see a problem with a note - then you can provide email address and tel no. Keep party invitations as they usually have tel nos on and often email addresses and some mums will have other mums' numbers etc.

Our school won't do the list of parents because of "data protection" (nonsense as all they need to do is get parents' consent to circulate a list). Real reason: too lazy/busy/whatever.

I am so lonely and bored I am depressed. I invited mums and kids who my children wanted to play with back to mine for lunch, play etc, some mums have been here 3 times but they have never invited us to theirs. I share a school run and do have a couple of very close friends,of my older children's friends but I have made an effort with my younger kids' friends' mums but altho they are happy to come here, they don't make an effort to reciprocate. When they gather at the schoolgate I'm too shy to join them bcos they look like they're arranging things together. Altho on a 1-1 I have nice exchanges w them. Do I keep offering or not bother anymore? They all look like they're having a great time and laughing, I am consumed w jealousy that I am left out. But don't get me wrong, they are all nice peopleand probably have no inkling I feel so sad and needy.

Haven't read whole thread, but yes, in my experience it makes a difference. I worked until last summer term when I quit (long story), in that term I made contacts with other mums and dads and now ds is invited round far more (he always got party invites, but not anything else). Perhaps parents like to physically see other parents before they invite? Ds was always with his childminder so no-one knew what dp and I looked like......However, the friendships I really envy are actually those that go back to nursery/playgroup and beyond (ds went to a nursery no-where near where we live...)
Maybe people are right and when the child can veralise more who they like/dislike that will change things...

Kidowner, that's so . I think you just have to force yourself to hang around with them and try to look interesting yourself, and hopefully they will defrost a bit. Funnily enough I got this with a group of fellow commuters once, who had all been getting the same train for donkey's years. I was sort of tolerated and they would chat to me and be friendly, but they would never save me a seat like they did for each other, which actually mattered a lot on that train. Perhaps these things just take time.

I don't do the school run. My kids generally sort out their own play dates, and announce who I am supposed to ring to confirm things. Sometimes I use the class list to make arrangements as well. I am quite rubbish at this, but my two don't seem to suffer too badly, and get to go to enough parties. Once or twice a year we have a brunch or BBQ or something and invite a core group of parents and children we like a bit more, and that helps a lot, I think.

Oh dear, this is what worries me too for when DS starts school in September. I work FT and am hoping to be able to adjust my hours so I can drop DS off every day and pick him up one day per week, but I guess a lot of the 'networking' is done at pick up time? We've only been in the area for a year or so, and I don't know any local parents from post natal groups etc. Lonely mum alert!

I'm with Lisalisa - work FT, always have done, and manage one drop off a week. People are perfectly nice to me, but they obviously don't know me as well as the people who are there every time. I think it does make a difference to the playdates. When DS1 was in reception the mums were friendly to my nanny and did playdates with her, but now I have a new nanny who seems to be seen as a nanny not a playdate host(and to be fair to the mums, is less chatty/clubbable than my previous nanny).

There are mums I NEVER see doing drop off, just because they are always late to school and we are not (because I am late for work anyway when I do drop off).

I'd recommend going to any party your child is invited to, staying for the duration and being useful while you're there, helping at school events including trips (save your days off for this sort of stuff). You can also find people who do admit that their DH often works on Saturday mornings/ is often abroad/ whatever, and they will do playdates at the weekend. But even with all that, you do need a class list of some description I think.

I've been amazed recently to meet other mums and children at parties who are in my ds's year (not class) and whom I have never seen. Made me realise how hard it is to work ft and have an involvement in your dcs school life.

Someone has arranged for a birthday party after school. As ds will be in wrap around care he can't go and it didn't occur to me to do a round robin email (as some others did) asking for other parents to take their dcs to the party. Fortunately for ds I had an email from another class mum offering to take ds. I would never have asked as I don't know people well enough to assume. Honestly felt a bit sad at the thought of ds missing out but I think that is the combination of working ft and being a single parent.

I do think more networking is done at pick up time mainly because everyone is there at the same time. Drop off time can vary so although I do one drop off a week I never see the same parents and sometimes I don't see anyone. I can't hang around as I'll miss my train. I never get to do pick up unless I've got the day off or am off sick.

MollieO - oh no, that doesn't bode well! While I think work may agree to me starting at 10 so I can drop off, I have serious doubts that finishing at 2.45 will be acceptable! I guess I'll have to wait and see if there's a class list etc...

I'd have to leave work at 1.30pm to have any chance of collecting at pick up time! I do one 10.30 start a week (I have a long commute!) in order to have some face time with ds's teacher and even then I rarely see other parents as I'm usually gone before they arrive!

We did our own class list after one of the older year's parents suggested it. The school can't do it because of privacy issues and some parents have put sketchy contact details I assume because they either don't want to be contacted or do the school run every day so don't see the point.