girls and friendships

[julesrose]

My dd is in Y1. She was new in September and the class had been together since reception. She seemed to be doing just fine, making friends, having fun and has been invited to lots of parties, playdates etc. There is one girl in the class who my dd knew before she started - my dd really likes her and is a bit in awe of her it seems. I invited her back for a play the other day and the mum told me the next day that she didn't want to. This was after a few regular playdates at either house which had been great so I was a bit surprised. My dd also told me she and a few of the girls were starting a secret club because this other girl won't let them join in hers. Yesterday I picked up 3 girls from a party and saw myself the subtle power plays going on with this girl. Came in the form of negative comments about things my dd suggested and exclusion tactics with the other girl in the car against my dd. Really horrible to see and could see my dd felt hurt though bravely carried on trying to join in.
Anyway it doesn't seem to dent my dd's admiration of this girl - it's as if she wants to be her friend and can't see that she's actually being a bit mean.
Do you think there's anything I can say to my dd to help her deal with this. I am friends with this girl's mum though she's a bit hot and cold IYKWIM. Strangely the mum was telling me recently about problems she's having with her older dd8 who's experiencing exclusion and negative comments from girls in her class.

[slummymummy36]

Hiya. I have 2 dds 7 and 10. This is girls for you I'm afraid!! My eldest is alot more laid back than my youngest so she has not had quite as much grief, but my youngest has had similar things to what you mention.
One thing I have learnt in the last 5 years is little girls can be big bitches!! My 7yo until very recently had a new best friend every day due to 2 girls in her class being mean and playing my daughter off against each other. They blew hot and cold every ruddy day. If one was her friend the other would want to be, if one dropped her the other would not want her and so on. I found it really hard to sit back and bite my tongue but kids need to learn to stand up for themselves.
In the end, i did give my DD a little chat about how ridiculous and daft in my opinion her "friends" were being and perhaps to save a lot of hassle for herself perhaps she should try joining in playing with X,y and Z (other girls in her class). It took a few subtle chats but in the end she generally moved over to the more stable group of girls.

[julesrose]

Hi sm- thanks. Hard to sit back and watch though. Brings out the lioness in me a bit. So do you think I should just sit back and wait for dd to realise that this girl she's stuck up on a pedistal isn't that good a friend. It's this hero worship in the face of rejection I can't get. I think at school she just plays with a bunch of other kids. I'll just keep supporting her other friendships I guess, and hope it isn't a long term problem.

[LadyGlencoraPalliser]

Yup - its a girl thing - I have three and there have been a lot of ups and downs with friendships. All you can do, IMO, is what slummymummy says, keep encouraging the friendships with the nicer girls and give her the confidence to ignore the unkind ones.

[slummymummy36]

To help with the other friendships with the "nice" girls in the class I put in the effort with lots of playdates etc and made out the "horrible" children were too busy/activties clashed etc. Therefore cutting down on extra out of school contact with the undesirables as they became known between me an hubby!!

[julesrose]

good idea. Do you ever say anything to your dd about the not so friendly bunch - if you're dd was upset by something they did or seems confused by their behaviour? What do you say that helps her see it for what it is but so she doesn't get put right off them, knowing that in a week it'll be all fine again..

[Fimbo]

It doesnt get any easier as they get older. My dd is 10 (yr 6) and she still has friendship issues with a certain girl. She often comes home in tears because the girl has muscled in on dd's friendship with her best friend.

I seeth under my breath but keep enouraging dd to play with the other girls in her class.

Ds is 5 and just started reception, I am hoping boys will be different.....

[melissa75]

I completely agree with what slummymummy has said. It is so true, sometimes you have to try to let them learn their own way, with a little guidance along the way. My daughter (9) was in the same situation in year one, and so I know exactly what you are saying, and I have dealt with it with my own pupils. Girls can be VERY mean to one another. I think if they are not seriously hurting one another then let her sort it out, because sometimes parents getting involved can alienate her even more.

[hippipotamiHasLostThreePounds]

I have read this thread with interest. I have a dd in Y1. And in the last few weeks she has been coming home upset, saying she is being left out, no-one wants her in their 'gang' etc.
It has co-incided with her best friend becoming very close to another girl in class. This other girl is very much a queen bee who dictates who can and cannot play. And whilst she accepts dd's best friend, she will not let dd play.

It is hearbreaking when your dd is sobbing 'I am soooo lonely at school' at bedtime.
And equally I am when dd tells me she played with her best friend today because queenbee would not let dd's best friend play. It appears dd has become her best friend's fall-back option. Not ideal either imo.

But I guess I just have to let her get on with it. It is sooo easy to interfere though, I really have to restrain myself.

Have just told dd that people who do not let others play are not very kind and that she should just play with as many different children as possible.

[Joolyjoolyjoo]

God yes- my dd1 has just started school this year, and already I hate the whole friendship-politics thing which seems to go on!! There is one little girl who dd is very keen on, but who I don't really like - mainly because she puts dd (and my other dc!) down all the time, and is very sneery, manipulative and tells lies a lot (look, I know she is only 5, but still...!) I am currently biting my lip, but trying to steer dd towards other (nicer!) little girls in her class! I also worry that this little girl is trying to make dd and her "exclusive" friends, which means dd has noone to play with if her friend is off school, so I too am going down the "more the merrier" route with my advice to dd.

[kc3]

Girls friendships are so difficult. I have dd1 10 and dd2 5 and there seems to be the same Queen Bee friendship issues in both classes. What is so frustrating is the parents seem oblivious of their little darlings mean steak

[Karamazov]

My DD is 5 and in reception - and we're going through this at the moment. Her best friend, has been not letting her play / join in with the other children. I have told DD to repsect the fact that her friend might not want to play with her - but to tell the teacher when the girl in question excludes her or another child. In my view, excluding other children (you're not allowed to play with us type attitude...) is just nasty. Not on at all. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about it, and they've got to learn to cope with it, as it goes on way into secondary school (I spent hours dealing with these issues when I taught in a secondary school)