ds bit another child - school overreacting?

[geekgirl]

Am pissed off with the whole situation really and yes probably somewhat precious too.
Ds is 5 and in an extremely difficult class. We live in a village next to a US army base, 20 out of 25 children in ds's class are American military, and a third of the children in his class have considerable behavioural problems, and as they're all coming from the American system they are of course not yet statemented or anything so the school struggles on with their own limited resources.
Ds is usually extremely well-behaved at school and has never done anything wrong there before. He's not terribly happy though and dislikes the unruly atmosphere so it's all a bit of a sore subject for me really.

Anyway - today one of the children kept breaking a model he was building. Instead of telling the teacher, ds bit this boy's hand. He didn't break the skin.

As I was picking the children up, the head took me aside and told me all this and informed me that ds narrowly missed an automatic 1 day exclusion as he hadn't broken the skin, and that he had an 'internal exclusion' instead, having to spend the last hour of the school day in the office. He said it'll be a fresh start tomorrow but the incident won't be forgotten.

I am really, really pissed off tbh. A few weeks ago another child in ds's class was shoved into the wall so hard he had to have stitches in his head, yet the perpetrator wasn't excluded. Last week ds came home with a badly scratched, bleeding hand - the child who had scratched it had apologised to him and that was it - perfectly ok with me, they're only little after all and a sincere apology is sufficient imo. The school's reaction now feels like a complete and utter overreaction. Of course ds shouldn't have bitten anyone and he certainly deserved a very stern telling-off - but to bandy the word exclusion about? For a 5 year old who is usually perfectly behaved???

Sounds odd to me, I think we all - children included - deserve consistent guidance as to what is or is not acceptable.

I know one of the boys in ds1's reception class last year was bitten and the parents of the biter received a letter home warning that it was viewed seriously but I don't think there was ever any idea of exclusion.

I also know that at their nursery biting was regarded as more serious than punching or hitting - and I never really got my head round why. Certainly on the one occasion ds2 was bitten I was called in and it was explained to me what had happened, whereas on other occasions he had been hit and nothing was said. Maybe the school are concerned the parents will react more negatively to biting? Whereas in my (very limited) experience I would say biting seems to be a reaction to being frustrated or under stress? And your ds does sound pretty frustrated at the school situation.

Sorry I can't help more just wanted to offer my views.

thanks greenlawn - I'm really upset about this tbh. I think ds just snapped - his models are forever getting wrecked and I presume he just had enough. He's never bitten anyone before and he's got two sisters so plenty of flesh to bite if he felt like it IYSWIM . He's only just turned 5 - I can't believe they threaten such a young child with exclusion for something so banal.

I spoke to dh who wants me to go in there all guns blazing but that's not my style plus it'd be bloody awkward to fall out with the head as I'm a governor. I just need to moan about it really.

Well I think you're entitled to at least a discussion with the Head, in particular as you have a concrete example (ie the scratched hand) to compare it to (assuming you're sure the child who did this wasn't also threatened with exclusion?).

But maybe the bigger concern is the way your ds feels about school as a whole as this sounds like the tip of the iceberg - so if you have that discussion maybe it should be along the lines of why you think ds isn't happy (and what can be done to improve things) rather than about this one incident?

Good luck with it, horrid to feel your ds is being singled out.

Totally understand and sympathise with you on this one. If it were me I would insist on a meeting with the Head to seek clarification on their apparent inconsistent approach in handling "unacceptable" / unruly behaviour. I would also insist the school removes the black mark against your ds name given that he is only 5 and that his behaviour was the result of absolute frustration! I would also ask the Head to outline how he intends to resolve the general unruly behaviour within the school.

My DD, who is also 5, was bitten by her "best friend" at school last year. I was told about when I collected her at the end of the day and I honestly thought that the school had handled the incident sufficently:- they simply told the child that her behaviour was wrong and that she needed to apologise to my DD, which she duly did. They had a quiet word with both sets of parents and made neither feel that their child's card was "marked".

Their behaviour policy should explain when they exclude, isolate, warn etc. As a governor I'm surprised you haven't read it

Is biting deemed more serious because of passing on diseases?

we did discuss the urgent need to review our policies at the last meeting

I don't remember being told anything about biting in particular at any new parents' evening but I agree that it's obviously more unhygienic than, say, pushing!

Ds would love a 1 day exclusion - every morning is a battle.

I think that exclusion for incidents such as biting and taking a strong line on it is important, particularly in a disruptive group like this sounds. Both my DS now 2 and 5 have had phases of this I'm not proud to say, usually when frustrated with other children. What is wrong is if punishment is inconsistent - that's giving children(their parents) completely the wrong message.

I'd write a polite note to the head and deliver it, for discussion, in person. If they're not forgetting your DS's action it should be noted that they from a childs perspective and your understanding have been inconsistent in handing other cases (Is it possible they were discreat?)

I don't think the little boy who scratched ds got threatened with anything - I'm quite friendly with his mum and she would have said something if the school had told her. I'll ask her tomorrow.

I do agree with a zero tolerance approach to bad behaviour - but for the usual stuff I think a good telling-off is all that's needed for small children...

My son had similar difficulties in his first school and his behaviour ended in him being sent home and on more thanone occasion being left in a cloakroom alone for a morning. We moved him after a term, discussed the problems he had had with the new teacher. He is a totally different child now, happier and not scared of going to school, he behaviour in school is fine now just the normal minor naughtiness. There were several children with behavioural problems in his previous school and the education office were very helpful in finding us a new place and said we could appeal for wherever we wanted. Moving him was the best thing we did.

I will talk to ds's teacher this morning and ask whether ds has ever misbehaved in any other way or whether this was really as totally and utterly out of character as I suspect it was. If it is indeed out of character I will have to talk to the head... I'm not good with conflict and am rubbish at that kind of stuff.
The child he bit had punched him in the playground or broken his models countless times - I can so understand why he bit him (of course I didn't tell him that !).

The thing is - it is a good school but ds's class is just a nightmare. They describe it as a 'blip', but my child is right in the middle of that blip.
Dd1 & 2 are in years 5 and 3 and all is lovely for them.

As an ex primary governor I would suggest you ask the head what his views of the behaviour in the whole class are - no doubt () he will have been in this classromm to observe several teaching sessions esp if it is acknowledged that it is a "blip" class.

If he blusters and fibs cos he hasn't been in then ask that he does so.

IME the head has a monitoring role for the whole school and should be observing classes on a regular basis (or maybe the deputy) so that they can be a truely self-evaluating school in Ofsted-speak!

biting at aged 5 is unacceptable and your son needs to learn other ways to communicate frustration. I think school need to come down hard on such things.

Imagine if it was the other way round. Would you be saying "another child bit my son, but it's ok because he was being a pain in the arse." I doubt it.

It needs addressing of course, the other kids shouldn't be doing what they are doing and the school needs to sort that out.

actually yes I would - maybe I'm too lax? But as I said, last week ds came home with those bad scratches on his hand (which is still covered in scabs) and I felt satisfied with the school's apparent response. I would have felt the same way about a bite.

And as he's never bitten before he's obviously quite capable of 'communicating frustration' .

I think that being kicked out of a lesson for biting is reasonable. Schools do keep a note of all incidents because they have to. It doesn't mean that your child going to be packed off to special school or get permamently excluded just because of a nip at the age of five.

When your child got scratched did you get a form explaining the injury. My son calls them "banged head forms" even though he gets one every time he cuts his knee or whatever. Without giving names it explains how your child got their injury. A far more detailed account will be stored on the database, however no one is going to be arsed to read through it all, unless there are an exceptional number of incidents.

I think that the school's level of punishment was in proportion to the crime. Sitting outside the head office for an hour is hardly colditz.

In the event of a bite breaking the skin I don't think a temporary external exclusion would be out of place. However I think you should worry about that when it happens.

no, no form about the scratches...

I spoke to the teacher who said not to worry, and that it had been extreme provocation - apparently ds had spent ages carefully building a very intricate thing and then the other child came along and purposely wrecked it with one sweep of his hand. Ds didn't bite him hard enough to even leave any kind of mark but that they obviously have to take a strong stance against biting (completely agree).

She said ds has always been good as gold before and to forget it ever happened, and that there wasn't any kind of black mark against his name or anything like that.

If you're ds is still sporting the scabs from last week's scratching incident though you have every right to request sight of the "accident" form the school are obligated to complete for every accident/injury sustained on the school premises.

YANBU
Your DS snapped under extreme frustration.Everybody has their limit !
If they know your DS is usually a good boy they should have been directing their energies into finding out what happened.It seems very heavy handed to me !!

My ds1 has come home with clear bitemarks twice - school didn't even notify me. I was more pissed off about that than the fact that he had been bitten. Totally OTT reaction by your son's school.